TLDR: Is ‘moving on’ about forgetting or embracing memories? Explore the depths of grief and healing in the Buddhist context.
The term “move on” can have two drastically different meanings: it can refer to someone who has passed away and moved on from this human existence, or it can mean someone has moved on from a situation or relationship in their life. Both interpretations carry profound weight and stir up deep emotions within us.
If we’re talking about death, the idea of a loved one moving on is gut-wrenching. The finality of it, the loss, the absence that will forever linger – it’s a pain that cuts deep into the soul (or the lack thereof). We’re left with memories, remnants of the person who was once such a vital part of our lives, now fading away into photographs and echoes of their voice.
For the recent accident at Tampines, I can’t imagine how the loved ones of the deceased would feel. Gone so suddenly are the loved ones you just said ‘bye’ to in the morning.
Moving on in this sense means finding the strength to keep living without their physical presence, honouring their memory, and carrying forth the love they cultivated within us.
But “moving on” can also refer to the end of a relationship, a romance, a connection that was once profound but has reached its expiration. This too is agonizing, and in some sense, similar to the pain of a loved one dying.
Untethering & What’ifs
Yet, the grief is tinted with different hues – the hot sting of heartbreak, the hollowness of being untethered from someone who meant everything, and the haunting “what ifs” that pervade the mind. Here, moving on is an exercise in letting go, in allowing ourselves to heal and progress despite the longing and attachment we feel to this person who was once our world.
If you’ve ever had to move on from a lover, you know the desolation of it all too well. That person was your confidant, your sanctuary, the one you poured your heart into with abandon.
And now they are gone, opted out, and moved on themselves, leaving you with a void that feels inescapable. When my last relationship ended, it felt like the ground had disappeared beneath my feet. They had become my anchor during difficult times.
The advice here is simple in theory yet excruciatingly difficult in practice: you must allow yourself to feel it all.
The anguish, the anger, the disbelief – let every emotion course through you, hold nothing back. Scream into your pillow, cry until your eyes sting, write lamentations into the depths of night. For it is only by feeling it fully that the pain can begin to lose its brutality over time. You must resist the urge to repress, to slap on fake smiles and hollow out your heart. That path leads to entombed heartache that will sabotage any future joy.
It may feel endless, this confronting of your hurt, but it is far braver than turning your back on the storm of emotions within. Talk to loved ones, write, meditate on acceptance – do whatever appropriate rituals help to alchemize this transition.
And be endlessly compassionate and patient with yourself. You wouldn’t berate a friend for aching over this loss, so afford yourself that same tenderness.
There is no schedule for healing, only the choice to consciously feel and consciously heal.
This echoes how the Buddha advised King Pasenadi when the king’s queen passed away. It could be summarised into three areas:
1. Reflect on the universality and impermanence of change and death. All beings experience loss, so put the personal sting in perspective.
2. Express your grief through skillful means like eulogies, donations and wise sayings. Heal your heart by dedicating merit to your loved one and encouraging goodness in others.
3. Remind yourself that there is still purpose to be found – get back to meaningful work for your well-being and that of others. Channel energy into positive actions rather than unhelpful displays of grief.
Only in Time
In time, the lacerations will scab over and scar. You will think of this person less, or think of them as a figure from your past rather than an acute absence.
Small joys will find a way to bloom again in the spaces within you that were temporarily dormant.
This is the purpose of moving on – to clear space for something new to grow in its own time, whether that be peace, rekindled passions, or another great love. But that process cannot begin until we have fully reckoned with the loss and lovingly attended to the tender, wounded parts of our hearts.
So let the moving on be anguished and visceral. Let it be long, bittersweet epiphanies in journaling and drives where you scream along to songs. Let it be whatever it must be to exorcise the hurt in order to move forward as your most liberated, healed self.
Your heart deserves to be uncaged and to beat robustly again in this life, no matter how excruciating the journey to getting there may be.
The Greatest Tragedy
Ultimately, the greatest tragedy after being left behind would be to abandon yourself in the process. Too often, the patterns that emerge look like: lashing out with corrosive self-judgment, indulging in sensual escapes, forcibly detaching from your emotional world through workaholism or thrill-seeking.
For me, work threw me a lifeline, giving my restless mind an escape from replaying memories on loop. But the ache was still there on long MRT rides home. Was I able to find solace in the cells of my excel spreadsheet? You bet I didn’t.
This path of self-alienation robs you of the vital parts needed to truly heal. It’s your gentleness, your willingness to feel, your commitment to authenticity – these are the fertile seeds of rebirth amidst the ashes.
Tears to flow, shoulders to lean on
So allow the tears to flow, without judgment or forcing them away. Lean on loved ones who can compassionately share the burden of processing this loss. Speak the unspeakable – how much you still care for this person, yet realize they could not meet you fully. Be tenderly devoted to your own heart through this; she is the one who will nurture you into your next becoming.
Every part of you is essential, no matter how insignificant this experience tries to make you feel.
You are so much more than this ending. This heartbreak need not brutalize you. Nurture a deep connection with the Dhamma, allowing it to guide you towards greater love and understanding, both for yourself and others.
It took me by surprise that over a year later, I could look at old photos (deleted from my instagram public feed) without the same sting. Healing truly is gradual.
Wise Tips:
1. Fully feel and release the pain without repression. Buddhism teaches that resistance to the truth of suffering only prolongs it. Allow yourself to grieve viscerally – scream, cry, write it out. Only by feeling the anguish fully can you ultimately metabolize and release it. Resisting or repressing the pain will only entomb it within you.
2. Practice profound self-compassion and surrender to impermanence. Berate yourself for the depth of your love, for that openness of heart is one of life’s most sacred gifts. Visualize releasing every shred of attachment to this person, the narratives you’d built, and the mementos of your bond. Grieve each letting go, but keep letting go until you have utterly surrendered to impermanence.
