It’s Mid-Autumn Fest! What can Chinese V Day teach us about love? Kyle unpacks some lessons he has learnt through his life’s journey and shines a light on how we can look at lanterns differently.
With the Mid-Autumn Festival (Chinese Valentine’s Day) in full swing coupled with the Korean and Thai drama series I’ve been watching lately, I can’t help but ponder the four-letter word (not the infamous word that starts with the letter F) that we all feel but may not fully comprehend – LOVE.
Love’s Complexity and Tragedy
As a 44-year-old man, I know I should better understand love, but I’ve never had a relationship (let alone an exciting one) or a boyfriend.
Instead, the only ‘exciting’ things I have experienced were tragedies. I’ve experienced insecurity about my body, battled cancer, and struggled with my queer identity. I often wonder what I’m missing out on without a special someone to love or be loved by. Pondering deeper, maybe it is better to focus on what I have and can experience rather than what I am lacking in my life
Exploring love through Buddhism
In the Buddhist community, we often hear about love through the concept of loving-kindness (Metta). The root word of Metta is ‘Mitta’ which means friend. The feeling of friendliness is probably the easiest way to grasp this concept and the fuzzy & warm feeling it entails.
Metta is not to be confused with compassion. Compassion is associated with a willingness to comprehend the pain of others and support them in their hardships.
While this is an important trait and another of the Four Divine States of Buddhism (Four Brahmaviharas), it’s not what loving kindness is.
I especially love how the Buddha used the term “loving-kindness” rather than just “Love” alone. Love that is expressed in conjunction with kindness. This got me thinking about how kindness and love can be intertwined.
Why Love Needs Kindness
While kindness is selfless, I’ve observed that loving someone or being loved seems to come with an expectation of something in return. Couples argue about not giving each other enough time/effort/love and this makes me curious about what Buddha meant by loving-kindness.
The concept of loving-kindness in Buddhism is often associated with the idea of cultivating compassion for all beings, regardless of their relationship to us. In the Metta Sutta, there is a passage that says
“Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.”
“Let none through anger or ill-will,
Wish harm upon another.”
After reading this passage, it’s important to understand that loving kindness isn’t simply about being kind to certain people or only one’s friends or family. It requires one to be free of harmful thoughts and extend that kindness to all beings. Yes, this extends even to the uncle/auntie who keeps asking you when are you getting married.
Although this seems hard, practising this kind of love can be both selfless and unconditional. We often underestimate the capacity to what extent one can practice loving-kindness selflessly and unconditionally. Consistently practising the art of unconditional love is possible and rewarding!
Practising loving-kindness allows us to be more open-minded, making room for opposing views and emotions while reducing our egocentric tendencies.
By doing so, we become resilient to negative experiences and are less likely to be impacted by them.
Is there anything more loving or kind to oneself than the freedom that comes from not carrying the negative thoughts?
The Power of Meditation and Mindfulness in Cultivating Loving-Kindness
Mindfulness and meditation are powerful practices that can help cultivate a sense of loving-kindness.
Meditation promotes mindfulness, which in turn raises awareness and dispels our attachment to certain views or ignorance. Mindfulness involves being fully present in the moment, without judgment or distraction, and meditation can help achieve this state by training the mind to focus and quiet the chatter of thoughts.
When we are mindful, we can better appreciate the beauty of the present moment and connect with ourselves and others.
Through the loving-kindness meditation I’ve experienced, I can cultivate a sense of loving kindness towards ourselves and others. This involves recognizing the inherent worth and dignity of all beings and wishing them happiness, health, and peace.
By practising loving kindness regularly, we can become more empathetic, patient, and understanding towards others, and develop a greater sense of inner peace and contentment.
Incorporating goodness into our daily routine
Incorporating acts of kindness and compassion into our daily routines is not only beneficial for those who receive them, but it can also have a positive impact on the giver.
Imagine if this is how we express our love daily, how much worthy love can be in pursuing?
When we intentionally send loving kindness to those around us, we are more inclined to treat them with kindness and compassion. This can foster more peaceful and harmonious relationships, improve communication, and increase empathy.
Moreover, the pursuit of loving kindness can have a broader societal impact. When more individuals practice loving kindness, it can create a ripple effect of kindness and compassion, leading to a more compassionate and peaceful society.
Ultimately, you can’t break up with the loving-kindness you have shared with others, can you?
As a single and fabulous 🙂 44-year-old gay man, I’ve come to realize that I don’t need to find love or a partner to feel fulfilled.
Instead, I’ve found a way to love the world around me, rather than simply loving a selected few.
As I strolled down the street, I couldn’t help but admire the stunning lanterns adorning the decorations. It dawned on me that this is what the mid-autumn festival is truly about – the lanterns symbolize inclusivity, shining their light equally for everyone. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, it doesn’t matter.
The design or shape of the lanterns is irrelevant; The soft glow of the lantern can also represent the gentle warmth of human kindness, spreading light and love in the midst of darkness.
Nurturing a sense of loving-kindness requires deep introspection and healthy connections with others.
It’s a lifelong journey that can enrich our lives in countless ways.
By embracing kindness, and empathy, and opening our hearts, we can gain a better understanding of ourselves and our place in the world. At last, I just want to say I love you too.
The best ‘mooncake’ we can give ourselves
Just like mooncakes, people prefer different types of mooncakes. Being okay with your own mooncake’s shape and flavours and those that surround you can make you a lantern in a world that can seem dark.
Nurturing a sense of loving-kindness requires deep introspection and healthy connections with others.
It’s a lifelong journey that can enrich our lives in countless ways.
By embracing kindness, and empathy, and opening our hearts, we can gain a better understanding of ourselves and our place in the world. I just want to say I love you too.
Wise Steps:
Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation: Regularly meditate on kindness to enhance empathy and understanding in relationships.
Perform Daily Acts of Kindness: Extend intentional acts of kindness to others, promoting better communication and empathy.
Embrace Inclusivity: Focus on spreading warmth and love to all, regardless of your relationship status, and find fulfilment in loving the world around you.
TLDR: Be mindful of the underlying metaphors that shape your view of relationships. Relationships are not transactions to be balanced out, but collaborative artworks that are infinitely deep. Give selflessly with no expectation of return. Ironically, this is also how you are rewarded with beautiful and deep connections.
My Journey Into Seeking ‘Balance’
I am not sure which came first – my fascination with order or obsession with building card towers. Either way, this childhood hobby created an attraction to balance. I recall many Chinese New Year holidays where I would eye decks of poker cards and make mental notes to squirrel them away as building blocks for my castles and city blocks.
And though I certainly delighted in the splendour of a make-believe cityscape, my deepest absorption was reserved for the delicate balancing act of 2 plain poker cards, repeated ad infinitum.
Years later, this hobby faded away, leaving a faint but indelible psychological imprint. This shaped the way I arranged my academic life, family time and relationships.
My secondary school life was the first proving ground for this worldview. Friendships were cordial, positive and respectful. I excelled in group discussions, where everyone gets proportionate air time. I was a reliable team member in group projects, where I always put in my fair share of work.
Being a natural listener, I made sure to listen and speak in equal measures, I was an easy conversationalist who struck up many acquaintances. Favours were always reciprocated. All these made me an uncontroversial choice for the class monitor, and eventually the consortium council chairperson.
Everything stood in beautiful order, and I played my discrete role in this tower of cards to the tee.
When Balancing Everything Frays
And yet, these neat, clean lines showed signs of fraying. Somehow, I was deeply unsettled in more personal settings like stay-overs and class barbecues, where our roles and lines blurred into a confusing mix of funny personal stories, boyish mocking and crude jokes. This discomfort didn’t entirely stem from a growing sense of moral superiority.
Even as a council chairman, there was an invisible wall that separated me from the rest of my executive committee. This wall thinned during official meetings, thickened in informal work sessions and get-togethers. Was I drawing my boundary lines too thickly and sharply? Could they be drawn any other way?
Someone once told me that life will keep teaching you the same lesson until you learn it. In my case with relationships, the lesson first came in pricks and then bludgeons.
Who Should Pay for The Food?
We were at a Bishan hawker centre filled with the usual lunch crowd. I parked our bags down on a recently vacated table and signalled my girlfriend to buy our lunch. She hesitated a moment and then merged into the crowd. I sensed something was off but brushed it off.
Later, on our walk home, with eyes downcast, she remarked with a touch of resentment that she had paid for our meal.
“I footed the last few bills, isn’t it only fair that we split?”, I protested almost immediately. In my mind, our 2 poker cards had started tipping over, and her paying for our last meal tipped them back into poise. At that moment though, something else hung in the balance.
“Yes, that makes sense dear, but in our relationship, I had expected you to pay for the meals.”, she said softly.
That comment hit a deep, raw nerve, setting off an emotional quarrel about values and equality, a quarrel that did not resolve when we reached her house.
I turned away, fuming, without so much as a goodbye. She later called, apologized for the comment, and we agreed to an uneasy truce that we would split our couple expenses down the middle.
Like a hastily plastered band-aid, this agreement tided us through easy and safe couple activities over the next few weeks but tore apart in the face of the truly difficult issues.
When Seeking ‘Balance’ Spirals into Pain
We were talking about settling down, and the question of who was paying for the house naturally came into the picture. I wanted us to split the expenses proportional to our income; she wanted me to shoulder the entire cost. This was the meal payment quarrel all over again, on a larger magnitude.
Almost immediately, the same disagreements erupted with greater fury. We argued for weeks, with frustration and mounting anger.
I was adamant about following the principle of fairness, of staying true to the idea of gender equality in treatment and contributions.
I was taken aback by her outdated concept that males should be the leader of the household. She wanted to be assured that I could provide for the family and felt insecure about her economic future because of her hip condition which might render her wheelchair-bound in a few decades. Above all, she sincerely believed that relationships shouldn’t be about transactions. The house of cards was coming apart.
In a moment of darkness, after what felt like our umpteenth call that ended in logical logjams and emotional breakdowns, I seriously wondered if I had made a wrong choice of partner.
Uncovering The Author of My Pain
What hurt me the most was how this recent row contrasted with the deep sense of connection and resonance we shared in every other aspect of our relationship. How could such an otherwise beautiful and stable relationship crumble so quickly just because of a crude matter of dollars and cents?
Our shared vision of a future family, the beautiful child we dreamed about, the cosy home we talked about all felt like naive lies we told ourselves.
Tall, black walls of emotional anguish enveloped me. Our house of cards was being demolished.
She called again, I answered.
“I had been thinking. If we can’t agree on such a fundamental belief, then perhaps, we might not be meant for each other,” I said quietly. She paused. In that heavy pause, the whole world ground to a standstill.
“Why would you…why would you say that?”, she managed a feeble reply, in between muffled sobs.
Right there and then, it struck me how much pain I was causing myself and her. It struck me that the way out of this impasse was not more incisive logic. It struck me that perhaps, just perhaps, I had dead-ended in a maze of my creation.
“Actually, you know what,”, I sighed a breath of relief, “I’ll pay for the house.”
The Givers, The Takers, and The Matchers
When I came across Adam Grant’s work about giving, it gave voice to my growing realization of how my metaphors for relationships had stretched beyond its limits.
According to Grant, there are 3 broad types of people, namely givers, takers and matchers. Givers derive immense joy from giving to others, takers burn bridges by asking for favours and not giving back, and matchers always seek to balance every favour and thing. If it is not already obvious, I was a true blue matcher.
Though matchers may seem the most pragmatic in this dog-eat-dog world, it is the givers who experience the most unbridled joy in their relationships.
Rethinking Balance and Seeing Artwork in Relationships
If anything, my most intimate relationships have taught me that this metaphor of balance between 2 people hinders deeper connection. This idea of balance creates a misconstrued duality between the self and others.
Perhaps a more enriching metaphor is that of a collaborative artwork, where every single brushstroke, regardless of who it came from, adds to the beauty of the infinite, ever-deepening whole. Give selflessly without any expectation of reward, and ironically, you will be rewarded with the most breathtaking and meaningful masterpiece.
If you are wondering, these days I generally pay for meals and she foots the other bills. This is not so much a calculated arrangement as an organic evolution in how we express our contributions to this piece of art we call our relationship.
We also don’t keep score anymore, but it does seem that somehow, we end up shelling out equal amounts at the end of the day. Maybe, just maybe, the 2 cards don’t need the straining attention of this recovering matcher to balance after all.
Wise Steps:
Review how you view and treat your relationships. Are you a giver, taker or matcher?
Evaluate if your relationships are where you want them to be. Are they a source of joy and beauty? If not, what are the underlying reasons?
In your most important relationships, think of 3 ways in which you can give selflessly, solely for the joy of the other party. Act on them as soon as you can.
