TLDR: Helping a loved one through their final days is a heartbreaking thing. But it is something every one of us will inevitably have to do one day. Buddhism has some helpful teachings, regardless of the faith of your loved one.

Death is an inevitable part of life. Each day, we are one day closer to our death. Yet it is a subject that makes most of us uncomfortable.

The human mind is brilliant at ignoring and shutting out anything that makes us uncomfortable. We are all ostriches in some ways.

But, like most things in life, the more you face it, the more you think about it the better you are able to deal with it when it visits – whether it is your own or that of a loved one.

There is no reason for a Buddhist who understands the teachings to be afraid of death. The Buddha had actually left us a roadmap for navigating the dying process and confidently dealing with death.

For a start, be mindful of the needs of the person whom you are helping. The Dhanañjāni sutta (MN 97) tells of one of Buddha’s closest disciples, Sariputta, helping a reformed, corrupt tax collector, Dhanañjāni, to die on his own terms as a brahmin. Sariputta helped him to calm his mind and slowly guided him to be reborn in the Brahma heaven. 

Therefore, do respect another’s faith and beliefs. We should not mess with others’ minds in their dying days.

The Three Stages

Accompanying someone on this life’s final journey has three stages:

• The run-up 
• The last days 
• The epilogue

The Run-Up

This period can last for several months or even years. Throughout, we should be sensitive, loving, thoughtful and supportive. A compassionate  frame of mind would be helpful to the patient. Below are some activities that can bring peace and lightness to one approaching end-of-life stage. 

• Help the terminally ill patient to perform wholesome acts. If he is physically unable to, do it on his behalf. But make sure to let him know what was done in his name so that he can rejoice in the acts. Incidentally, it is never too late for someone to practise generosity.
• If he leans towards cynicism or negativity, encourage him to see things more positively and have more positive narratives in daily life. Speak words of love and care, reconciliation and closure.
• Gently help him come to terms that he doesn’t have to solve everything in this lifetime.
• This part of life’s journey can be very hard and lonely. Show care and love; be openly demonstrative. You may feel a bit awkward at first but do this because it matters to the patient. Give time and attention, listen empathetically.
• If you are both comfortable with physical contact, then hold and touch the patient. Holding, touching and stroking can trigger feel-good chemicals, such as oxytocin, which is pleasant, calming and comforting.
• Closer towards the end when it is obvious that he does not have much time left, find an appropriate time to have a candid conversation about death. Be honest in answering questions; don’t give false hope.

Incidentally, once you commit yourself to supporting a dying patient, be prepared to accompany him for quite a while on his painful journey. Terminal illnesses can drag on painfully for some time.

Whatever you do, focus on bringing the patient a sense of peace, calm, comfort and joy. Lift the mind. A useful mantra is a mind that is light, goes to the light. A mind that is heavy will sink into the dark.

Focus on wholesome recollections. If the patient tends towards unpleasant events or people, gently encourage him to forgive. Steer the conversation back to wholesome and pleasant experiences, especially the good that he had done in his life. But there is no need to make a shopping list of good deeds. That will only stress him. Just share a couple of wholesome and uplifting stories, the sort that soften the eyes and bring out a smile. The more joy you can help him recall, the lighter his mind will be.

This is the period to offer to bring a monk or nun to visit. But the patient must be ready and want that. It is beneficial for the dying to see a monk or a nun. It can induce faith, bring about reassurance, peace and calm. It is especially helpful if the person doesn’t have many family or friends around. The sangha, especially in Singapore, are wonderful people. 

The last days

This literally means the last couple of days or even just hours remaining of this life. By this stage, you have pretty much done all that you can for the dying. Conceive of this period like the day of the examination – it is too late to cram. All that can be done to prepare them for death should already have been done. Now it is the time to relax and let nature take its course.

Be sensitive to the needs of the dying. He may not be communicating much at this point so you need to look out for him. Keep him physically comfortable and pain free.

Change into fresh clothes. Set the conditions of the environment to his needs and preference. It can be quiet in a dimmed room or music (of his choice) playing softly in the background. Regardless, it must be his choice. Loved ones in the room should minimise noise and give him space to rest peacefully. A conducive mood will help the dying peacefully retreat into the mind.

You too need to prepare yourself for the inevitable. Calm your own mind, which is not easy. The more attached you are, the harder it is to stay calm. But if your mind is anxious or grieving, you are going to disturb the dying and prevent the mind from calming down properly.

Death is a natural process like eating, sleeping or answering nature’s call. Nobody feels fear engaging in those activities. Then why be afraid of death? If you sit with the dying, avoid any iota of agitation. Instead have faith or confidence in the power of the Triple Gem. That faith will translate into courage which is a source of strength for the dying.

Focus on metta (friendly kindliness) and compassion. Be a comforting, reassuring and quiet presence. At this point, you may or may not be saying anything much. But if you do, avoid any words that could trigger attachment and clinging. One of the worst things that you can say to someone dying is “Don’t go” or “Don’t leave me” or something like that! Do that and you might cause him to cling desperately onto the human realm. Should he die with that grasping in the heart, he will be stuck hovering around like a haunting being.

Instead, thank the dying for having done his duty well. Reassure him that the family and loved ones are fine and can take care of themselves. Tell him that it is time for him to move one and not look back.

You can also help the dying to settle the mind on the body. Even if he had no meditation experience, you can still guide him to observe the natural rising and falling rhythm of breathing detachedly. Then advise him to let go of the failing physical body and, with quiet confidence, move on.

The Epilogue

At the wake or after the funeral, we may have to continue supporting the grieving family. But be sensitive to the raw emotions around you. Be empathetic and listen first.

Do not presume to offer advice or service.
Separately, we can also perform wholesome deeds, such as donating to charitable causes and/or offering alms to the sangha (monastics) in memory of the deceased.

Do remember to share merits from all good and wholesome work we have done with the deceased. That would be most helpful for both the living as well as the recently-departed loved one.