TL;DR: Milktea recounts the emotional journey of healing after a breakup, moving from shock and denial to acceptance through Buddhist practice. By embracing impermanence, letting go of attachment, and reflecting on personal growth, she finds peace and clarity with the support of the Dhamma and spiritual friends.
Breaking Up on a Happy Day

It was a fine day in Singapore after a week of travelling when I returned home to my (then) boyfriend. He picked me up, and we chatted as usual before he dropped me off after lunch.
Later that afternoon, he mentioned wanting to talk. We sat at the park near my place, and then he broke the news…
He wanted to break up.
After 4 years of cruising together, he called it quits.
The reason?
The relationship had become draining for him. He felt emotionally disconnected and unable to be vulnerable with me. He also mentioned feeling burdened whenever we discussed marriage plans.
I was shocked. I thought we were doing okay.
He had always seemed enthusiastic about building a future together—starting a family, buying a home, planning our wedding. I had saved up money, researched potential neighbourhoods, and even thought about how our home could be.
But now that was gone.
It felt like my world had shattered.
I suggested giving ourselves space before discussing it again.
Denial Stage
The breakup request felt abrupt, and I wasn’t emotionally prepared, especially after a mentally tiring trip.
For the first few days, I couldn’t accept reality. We agreed to a week of no contact to confirm if this was the right decision. During that time, I grieved, shared stories with friends, and reflected deeply.
I realised I had made mistakes in the relationship. A mentor pointed out that as an extrovert, I needed to learn to listen better, not just talk about my needs. It hit me—I could have been a better partner.
When we met after the week, I shared my reflections, prepared for any response. I told myself, “Whatever happens, happens. All conditioned things are impermanent.”
But his answer remained the same. It was better for us to part ways. Even after confirming multiple times, reconciliation seemed unlikely.
It was time to face reality.
Anger and Resentment Stage

I attempted to find closure by accepting reality, but the grief lingered. Despite knowing I shouldn’t dwell on what was, my heart struggled to accept. I repeated the same stories to my friends, feeling like a broken record. They knew every detail, in various retellings and languages.
I compared myself to a pig playing in mud—knowing it was dirty but unable to resist. How long would I burden my friends with negativity from the breakup? They were understanding, but I realised I need to stop.
No amount of mud slinging at his flaws or the relationship would bring back the past I hung on to. It would only bring more ill will to people around me.
Realisation and Acceptance
It was time to face reality, to delve into my inner world and to revisit Buddhist teachings (the Dhamma).
During meditation, I realised I had been fixated on our future, the fantasy of “happily ever after.” My attachment to these future plans blinded me to his current needs. Continuing the relationship would only perpetuate unhappiness, not love.
Reflecting on impermanence and conditioned arising, I understood that clinging to memories and failures would only lead to suffering. Just as all things arise and pass away, so too did our relationship.
The Buddha’s teachings on impermanence (anicca), suffering (dukkha), and non-self (anatta) guided me to let go fully. By assuming there was a fixed ‘me,’ who was in a relationship and was supposed to continue existing in that manner, I was holding onto what was changing, wishing it was otherwise.
Moving On

Accepting reality, I found relief.
Despite friends suggesting my time was wasted (due to societal norms of being a female with ‘expiry dates’), I disagree.
Time is only wasted if you didn’t learn from the experience. I have learnt much about my flaws and my shortcomings. It is not easy to shine a light on your darkest spots. Lessons are gained even in the deepest depths of pain.
I now have more time and energy to attend to the things that I’d neglected when I was dating. I am also reflecting on how I can improve as a person. To build myself out of the ashes of a ‘failed’ relationship and to emerge a stronger and wiser individual.
Leaning on my Dhamma friends (kalyanamittā) has been a great balm to my wounds.
They stir up kusala (wholesome) mind states within me. They encourage me to workout to keep my mind stable.
In summary, my time together with my ex-boyfriend was right for us then, and I cherish those moments. I’m glad to conclude the chapter with a smile. It was a good 5-year journey. Now, I wish him happiness on his path ahead.
Mind-Tricks for Letting Go
Two practices supported me through this process, thanks to the Triple Gem (Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha) and my Dhamma friends:
- Consider Opposite Values: When I feel angry or disappointed about an incident or memory, I switch my mental state to focus on the positive values I uphold. For example, when I felt angry because my (ex) partner exploded without warning, I shifted my mindset to, “I am upset because I value calmness.” This approach helped to stop the narratives surrounding the breakup. This trick prevents the mind from spiralling into negative states about the person, and it reframes the thinking towards oneself without making it personal.
- Cultivate Non-Attachment to Stories: When mindfulness is sharp, I observe feelings and narratives as they arise and fade away. If I dwell on or follow these fleeting stories, it only leads to dukkha (dissatisfaction). I recognise them as narratives rather than a reality to be grasped onto. I acknowledge them and allow them to pass naturally.
These tricks continue to help me navigate future challenges, ensuring a wholesome mindset.
Wishing everyone reading this a wholesome day ahead! 😊