TLDR: Learn why love alone isn’t enough and how to build a solid foundation. Angela shares Buddhist-inspired techniques for a more fulfilling partnership.

Before sharing 5 insights on relationships, allow me to say hi there – thanks for reading this article! 

I’m Angela, currently in a 13-year+ relationship with my ex-boyfriend-turned-husband. Most days, we’re happily married, but that didn’t come without learning a few lessons along the way. 

Today, I want to share five things I wish I had known before diving into a relationship, with guidance from Buddha’s wisdom. Ready? Let’s explore!

Insight 1: Love Alone Isn’t Enough

We often hear that love conquers all, but real life has a way of showing us otherwise. While love is essential, it’s emotional intelligence that truly sustains a relationship. This means being able to understand and manage not only your own emotions but also those of your partner.

Lesson 1: Cultivate Emotional Intelligence

The Buddha’s teachings on the four foundations of mindfulness—observing the body, feelings, mind, and mental objects—offer a roadmap to cultivating emotional intelligence. 

Mindfulness can help you pause and observe your emotions without judgment, leading to more compassionate and thoughtful responses in your relationship.

For example, instead of snapping when you’re frustrated, take a deep breath, recognise your feelings, drop the unwholesome thoughts and replace them with kindness. 

Here’s the good news: the more you practise mindfulness in everyday life, the more familiar you will be with your emotions. This in turn gives you a larger breathing space (no pun intended) between the stimuli and your reaction. 

This self-awareness is crucial in relationships as it enables you to identify and work on your issues rather than projecting them onto your partner. 

If your partner has a habit that annoys you (e.g leaving the switch on after the kettle boils), mindfulness helps you approach the situation with patience, understanding that change takes time and that your relationship is a journey of growth.

Insight 2: Relationships Require Consistent Effort

There’s a myth that if something’s meant to be, it will come easily. The truth is that building a strong relationship takes work, and it starts with a solid foundation of friendship. 

Buddha emphasised the value of kalyana-mitta, or admirable friendship, which is crucial in choosing a partner who shares your values and goals.

Lesson 2: Friendship First

Imagine you’re passionate about volunteering or animals. Finding someone who shares this passion can create a deeper connection that goes beyond surface-level attraction. When your relationship is grounded in genuine friendship, you’re better equipped to navigate life’s challenges together. 

For my husband and I, we make it a point to do one hard thing together a year as a couple. Last year, we attempted Hyrox, a functional fitness competition with 8 gruelling stations and 8 rounds of 1km run. 

It was challenging but having a common goal gave us opportunities to spend time together to train for the competition.

We also made friends with other couples in the fitness community and inspired each other during training. It was so fun we did it again this year!

Aside from an annual couple challenge, my husband and I commit to attending at least 1 meditation retreat together a year because we see the value of growing together spiritually. 

We have been practising this over the last 7 years and will definitely continue to! Just a side note to not compare whose samadhi is deeper or more joyous – cause any form of craving is dukkha!

Insight 3: Don’t Lose Yourself in the Relationship

The idea that you should always put your partner’s needs before your own sounds noble but can lead to resentment and imbalance. Instead, practising mindful communication, as taught by the Buddha through Right Speech, is essential.

Lesson 3: Communicate Mindfully

Right Speech encourages us to speak truthfully, kindly, beneficially, harmoniously and at the right time. In practice, this means actively listening to your partner, seeking to understand before responding and choosing your words carefully. 

Instead of cutting your partner off mid-sentence, try to listen fully, ask questions, and respond with empathy.

For example, during a disagreement, instead of saying, “You’re so careless,” you could say, “I know you didn’t intend to, but when you forgot our plans, I felt hurt.” This expresses your feelings without attacking your partner, making it easier for them to understand your perspective. 

Another example of right speech is instead of bringing up old grievances that don’t relate to the current issue, focusing on what can help the situation. For instance, instead of saying “This is just like last time when you messed up.”, try saying, “Let’s work together to find a solution”.

By practising these principles of truthfulness, kindness, beneficial speech, promoting harmony and right timing, you can foster healthier communication, reduce conflict, and build a stronger relationship.

Insight 4: Conflict Can Be Constructive

Many of us view conflict as a sign of a failing relationship, but it’s actually a natural part of any partnership. Don’t let your arguments create distance between you and your partner. What matters is how you handle it. The key is to approach disagreements with compassion and an open heart.

Lesson 4: Turn Conflict into Connection

When conflict arises, focus on expressing your feelings without blaming your partner. For instance, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when I share my thoughts.” This shifts the conversation from blame to understanding.

And remember, taking responsibility for your actions and apologising when needed goes a long way in healing rifts.

The Buddha taught that our intentions shape our actions and, ultimately, our relationships. The Right Intention involves cultivating thoughts of renunciation (letting go), goodwill (metta), and non-harm (ahimsa). 

In the heat of an argument, it’s easy to say things that hurt. When faced with conflict, approach the situation with the intention to let go of ego, understand rather than win and consciously choose to avoid words or actions that could cause unnecessary pain. This shifts the focus from confrontation to connection.

Insight 5: Passion Ebbs and Flows

The excitement and passion of a new relationship can be intoxicating, but what sustains love in the long run is gratitude. Recognising and appreciating the small things your partner does helps keep the love alive.

Lesson 5: Practise Gratitude Daily

Gratitude is a powerful tool in any relationship. Make it a habit to thank your partner for the little things, like refilling the trash bin with a bin bag after a long day of work, being a supportive listener, and cooking scrambled eggs while you get ready for work. 

These simple acts of appreciation strengthen your bond and remind both of you of the love you share.

For my husband and I, we make it a point to sit down one Sunday a month to communicate our couple’s gratitude message. “What is one thing you noticed about each other that you like?” A simple but powerful ritual. 

What I discovered is that love is best expressed not through big celebrations or gifts, but through small acts of care and thoughtfulness.

Final Thoughts: Building a Joyous Relationship

A joyous relationship isn’t something that just happens—it’s a journey of effort, understanding, and compassion. By applying the Buddha’s teachings on mindfulness, spiritual friendship, communication, conflict resolution and gratitude, you can navigate the ups and downs of love with joy. 

Be your own best friend first, seek out shared values, embrace conflict as a chance to grow, and never underestimate the power of a simple “thank you.”

When your inner peace is settled, your couple’s relationship will also thrive.

Wise Steps:

1. Cultivate emotional intelligence: Practice mindfulness daily to understand your emotions better.
2. Engage in shared interests and activities with your partner.
3. View disagreements as opportunities for growth and understanding