TL:DR: The elderly serve not only as living testaments of the past but point towards the inevitability of our futures. In this article, I go through the wisdom I have gleaned from working with the elderly, their regrets and realisations in their old age, and reflect on what we can do to best prepare ourselves to face those same challenges in our senior years.
Working with Singapore’s elderly has taught me a lot about what matters most in life. Through home visits and conversations with our seniors, I’ve heard countless stories about their joys, worries, and what gives them meaning in their later years.
These conversations come back to three main things: their health, how they spend their time after retirement, and their relationships with others. What they share offers important lessons for all of us about the choices we make and their long-term impact.
Health
“Health is Wealth” is a household adage that is especially applicable to the elderly.
Health is one of the main concerns raised in my conversations with the elderly. Such concerns revolve around “not wanting to face burdens, and not being burden unto others”
These burdens manifest themselves in multiple ways. Financially, health issues can incur hefty costs from consultation and treatment, especially when specialists need to be involved. Such costs create a tangible burden on one’s retirement savings and an intangible burden by way of opportunity cost; money not spent enjoying their remaining years with holidays or physical comforts.
Physically, the discomfort of illness can detract from one’s quality of life, exacerbating the emotional burden of your life’s approaching dusk.
Employability may also take a dip, both in one’s own ability to carry out work and the aversion of employers to senior workers with more liability.
Emotionally, being unable to perform Basic ADLs (Activities of Daily Living) can erode one’s self-esteem and worth, especially when one is reluctant to burden their still-healthy loved ones with their very existence. A poignant example would be an old woman I knew who was a national runner, whose active and mobile past was a sharp contrast to her new dependency on her husband for basic functions like the toilet. Such being the worries of the old, what can we do to better prepare ourselves to face such challenges?
Recognising what Buddha described as the vanity of youth and good health is a good first step. Thoughts like “Oh, see me so skinny, won’t be obese one la, can afford to eat more”, “aiya so young won’t kena cancer”, “aiya small illness just take MC only la” (So much certainty aiyo!) is a good first step. The Buddha described this as an intoxication with the vanity of youth and good health.
By reflecting on the Five Subjects of Frequent Recollection (AN5.57), we can recollect the reality of the body and mind. This will remind us to adopt habits that sustain the body well for our spiritual practice.
Principles and efforts to reframe aside, what practical steps can be done?
The elderly involve themselves in Active Ageing programmes run by the various Active Ageing Centres and Grassroots organisations: leveraging on social connections to motivate one another to keep physically active. If the old can do this? Why not the young? Involving yourself actively in communities like Community Sports Clubs (CSC) or DAYWA Singapore can provide lifelong friends to keep you committed to health in your late years.
Occupation
Retirement can be an overhaul of one’s daily routines.
Some elderly have shared that they wish not to retire to stay engaged with society and continue to earn some income. I recall one gentleman candidly sharing with me: “After I retired, I find myself very bored! Staring at the four walls at home with nothing to do makes me go crazy! Once I found myself taking the newspaper and tearing it just to pass time!”.
This reminds me of a maxim I usually hear from the seniors I visit: “Don’t stay at home and stare at the four walls, will kena dementia faster”. Reflecting on this, I feel that this maxim hides a more hidden problem beneath the surface. After all, if solace and isolation were the main issue, monastics on cave retreats would be rather at risk! The deeper concern I suspect, lies in one’s mental states.
I’ve observed some elderly engaging in conversations involving gossip and politics; where such topics could stir the blood or cause resentment and conflict, while others drink the day away. Those engaging in these activities indulge in transient pleasures and excitements fail to solve the loneliness that returns when such activities end.
The opposite can be said for individuals who apply their mind well and engage in more fruitful, and wholesome activities. Such activities can range from leisurely and therapeutic; exercise, gardening, learning new skills, reading, engaging in wholesome conversation, volunteering.
Such activities allow one to remain physically active, socially connected and cognitively stimulated with more positive emotions arising from them.
A further step for the practitioner would be to engage in activities that enhance one’s spirituality; meditation, reading philosophy, learning the Dhamma, and practicing the Dhamma.
In doing so, one gains a better understanding of one’s experiences; likes, dislikes, and moods, seeing that these fluctuate. In seeing this fluctuation, one gains an insight that feelings of loneliness not only do not persist but are mind-made (arise out of a wanting), and in seeing this, one can feel comfortable with oneself and be in one’s own skin.
Relations
A common trend I see in older adults would be a changing dynamic of relations. This could be relations between a couple, the individual and their children, their siblings, or their friends.
A majority are fortunate to have close relations with immediate family (spouse, children), good relations with friends (made across the life course) and neighbours, however, all these are subject to change.
Peers and life partners grow old, grow frail, grow sick, and eventually pass on.
Children get married, move out, have their own family, and may not be able to spend as much time with the elderly.
I used to have a general impression of retirees having almost all the time in the world. One conversation made me question this impression. A daughter of a senior who was terminally ill was sharing her frustrations with the Government (about how some systemic barriers prevented her parents from being eligible for some financial assistance).
She posed a question to me: “If your purpose of outreach is to honour our elderly, my question back to you would be: how much time do they have left to be honoured?”
It struck me: while a carefree retirement may be something a young person can perceive, the realities, factoring into the context the individual lives in: having household chores, having medical appointments (which can take up to a whole day at times), do the elderly, in actuality, have that much time?
Knowing that the clock is ticking, what can we then do best? While amping up the number of hours we spend with our loved ones would be something that sounds quite ideal, doing that in the context of our society would involve huge trade-offs, I take reference from accounts of caregivers who put aside their jobs and careers to caregive.
A more moderate approach would then be to focus on the quality of time that is spent. Reflect: how present are we with the people we love? I recollect one teaching by Ajahn Brahm, inspired by the tale found in Tolstoy’s Three Questions, which reminds us that the person we are with is whom is most important, and to expand on that, the moments we forge are ones that matter the most.
This reinforces the notion that every moment spent is all the more important, such that we don’t regret not having spent enough time with our loved ones, or regret treating them badly.
Conclusion
One thought that was on the backburner as I wrote this reflection was (assuming I do live to the age where the government considers me a ‘senior’): “How do I live the best of my life in my silver years?”
Start now: one does not get a chronic illness overnight.
The conditions for the body to be ill; consistently high blood pressure, high levels of cholesterol, high levels of blood sugar (basing off the common 3 Highs) are tempered over time through one’s habits: diet, level of activity, amidst other health factors (for more info, consult your local polyclinic doctor/nurse/care coach for health tips).
How does one then shape the conditions to remain physically healthy?
While individual agency and efforts do play a large factor in choice of one’s lifestyle, the environment around one largely influences such choices.
This can include the people we associate with. Jim Rohn, an American entrepreneur, once said: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. The company we keep will influence the lifestyle we have, and in turn the conditions for our own physical health.
As the Buddha once taught: Kalyana Mitta, wholesome friends, are the whole of the spiritual life. (SN. 45.2). Having good friends, and associating with wise counsel, would be protective factors for one not just by the lifestyles we lead, but also spiritually: the views and values we adopt.
By listening to our elderly, we learn how the decisions we make now shape our later years. As we continue supporting our seniors, we’re not just simply helping them find peace with their past, nor simply giving them a channel to inspire the younger generation – we’re learning how to live better lives ourselves.
Wise Steps:
- Set yourself up for success by connecting with a community that will encourage you to be healthy, and keep you company in your old age
- Begin cultivating mental practices like meditation, philosophy, mindfulness exercises, and even fulfilling volunteering work such that you have a solid foundation for purpose in your later years
- Practice presence and mindfulness in the time that we spend with our loved ones, ensuring that there is truly quality within our quality time.
