TL;DR: Before embarking on Buddhist dating, cultivate sati (mindfulness) in your intentions, embrace anicca (impermanence), practice samma vaca (right speech) and active listening, navigate differences with metta (loving-kindness), and commit to continuing your bhavana (mental cultivation) practice for a fulfilling and harmonious journey.
Dating within a Buddhist community can sometimes be seen as a tricky affair. Why?
The fear of disrupting this serene environment with romance or facing the awkwardness of post-breakup interactions can deter many.
At the same time, it is a place where we can find our best partners who share our view of life and morality. How many non-Buddhist partners would accept us going on a no-phone retreat for 1 week?
Some seasoned members succinctly caution against mixing personal and spiritual spaces, likening it to “not s*itting where you sleep.” However, in contrast, there are many exemplary cases of Buddhist couples encouraging one another’s practice until the end of the path. So, what to do?
We got you fam! Here are 5 tips and considerations when you start dating in your Buddhist circle.
Cultivating Intentional Connections
Are you seeking companionship primarily to alleviate loneliness, or do you genuinely resonate with the spiritual values of the person you’re interested in?
Approach dating with the intention of fostering metta (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), and mutual respect.
For example, instead of focusing solely on finding a partner, consider how you can contribute positively to someone else’s life and spiritual journey. Be aware of your desires and motivations without being consumed by them.
Consider a scenario where you meet someone at a meditation retreat. Rather than rushing into a relationship based on attraction alone, take the time to observe their conduct and engagement with Dhamma teachings.
Seek to understand how their spiritual practice aligns with yours and whether there is potential for mutual support and growth in your paths.
Embracing Impermanence in Love
Buddhist teachings emphasise anicca—the understanding that all things, including relationships, are impermanent and subject to change.
Embrace this reality as you engage in dating within your Buddhist circle. Our needs and love language evolve. Learning to surf the waves of ups and downs and being ready to do so is a good starting point.
For instance, rather than clinging to specific expectations about how a relationship should progress, appreciate each moment and connection for what it offers in the present. Having a planned timeline of when to BTO (applying for government housing) with him/her is one of the fastest ways to Dukkha-land.
To strengthen this view, recall a past relationship where embracing anicca helped you grow spiritually, even after the relationship ended.
Communicating with Compassion
Effective communication is foundational in any relationship. In the context of Buddhist dating, practice right speech—speaking truthfully, kindly, timely, and with mindfulness of how your words impact others.
For instance, when discussing sensitive topics like Dhamma (teachings) or Sila (ethical conduct), choose words that foster understanding and respect. Contempt can arise if you engage in a contest of who is more detached or who can hold the precepts more strictly. Remember to respect one another’s progress on the path. It is non-linear and we all have different starting points too.
Imagine having a disagreement about where to go for the weekend. Instead of asserting your viewpoint forcefully, practice active listening and empathetic communication. Acknowledge your partner’s concerns and express your thoughts calmly and respectfully.
Navigating Differences with Wisdom
In relationships, differences are inevitable. Approach these differences with curiosity and metta rather than judgment.
Respect and honour each other’s unique spiritual paths and viewpoints on Buddhist teachings.
Suppose you and your partner have contrasting views on the role of rituals in practice. Rather than debating the superiority of one approach over the other, explore the underlying motivations and meanings behind each perspective.
By engaging in open dialogue and curiosity, you deepen your understanding of each other’s spiritual values and strengthen your connection.
Committing to Spiritual Growth
Regardless of relationship status, prioritise and commit to your spiritual growth.
Maintain a consistent bhavana (mental cultivation a.k.a meditation) practice, participate actively in community activities, and deepen your understanding of the Dhamma.
Create rituals with your partner that support your spiritual growth together. This could involve setting aside time each week for meditation sessions or attending Dhamma talks as a couple.
By sharing these practices, you not only strengthen your bond but also reinforce your commitment to the Dhamma and to supporting each other.
If it helps, create a commitment between the two of you to continue the practice even if a relationship doesn’t work out. The saddest outcome is when both parties stop the practice because of a breakup.
Conclusion
Dating within a Buddhist community requires attentiveness, compassion, and respect for Dhamma values in the other. Despite potential challenges like post-breakup dynamics, finding a partner who shares your Dhamma path is invaluable.
By cultivating intentional connections, embracing impermanence in love, communicating with compassion, navigating differences wisely, and committing to spiritual growth, you enhance relationships and deepen your own Dhamma journey. These practices not only strengthen bonds but also contribute to community harmony and growth when done wisely.
Wise Steps:
Reflect on Your Intentions: Approach dating with metta, karuna, and mutual respect.
Embrace Impermanence: Appreciate each moment and connection without clinging to outcomes.
Practice Samma Vaca and Active Listening: Communicate honestly and listen deeply to foster understanding.
Navigate Differences with Metta: Respect each other’s spiritual paths and viewpoints.
Commit to Continuing Your Bhavana Practice: Prioritise your spiritual growth and integrate it into your relationship journey.
TLDR: How to navigate the uncertainties of online dating? Learning to want less, expect less and identify what is within and outside of our control can help us know ourselves better.
As a young (<30-year-old) man interested in women, I spent the last four years actively swiping on various dating apps looking for a partner for a long-term relationship. The search has not resulted in a lasting relationship, and I am still single, but all is not lost: reflecting on the process has produced some thoughts that could make dating less painful, which I hope to be able to share.
“Mendicants, I do not see a single sight that occupies a man’s (woman’s) mind like the sight of a woman. The sight of a woman occupies a man’s mind.”
Of course, the Buddha also said:
“Mendicants, I do not see a single sight that occupies a woman’s mind like the sight of a man. The sight of a man occupies a woman’s mind.”
I think this sutta does describe the underlying drive behind dating. We allow the many facets of others to occupy our minds and thoughts, making them our singular focus—and create for ourselves a world of distinctions, complexities and possibilities (& unhappiness!)
Online Dating: More Than Just Swiping
Online dating is a process that involves the creation of profiles by interested people—you curate photographs, videos and short descriptions and traits about yourself, list out your preferences in a partner (gender, age, relationship type, etc. ), and the dating app platform searches for suitable people meeting those preferences and presents them to you. Next, you decide if you’d like to connect with them, and if they feel similarly about connecting with you, they accept, and it’s a match! The talking part commences, and possibly an in-person meetup in the future should both parties agree.
The Three Kinds of Uncertainty in Online Dating
As simple as the process sounds, looking back, I’d say that my experience of online dating is one that can be characterised by three kinds of uncertainty:
First, the uncertainty in whether I’d meet someone; long stretches of not matching with anyone, wondering if there was something lacking in myself that made me unworthy to be considered, and the additional loneliness I felt through this process of waiting.
Second, the uncertainty in whether I’d get along with the people you meet; people came in with their own expectations, ideas and thoughts about the dating process. Many were just bored, and wanted to see what it was like, without any real interest or investment in the process. Some appeared to be dating according to a checklist, keen to find any point of incompatibility. Others were disinterested, and spoke nothing much. Many matched and neither spoke nor responded to a “hello”, and unmatched soon after.
Ghosting happened often, expectedly (and also most unexpectedly), and people regularly dropped out of connections that they had no interest in continuing—without even a “this isn’t what I’m looking for, goodbye”.
(Let me note that: people should not have any obligations to continue conversations that they don’t feel comfortable or safe engaging in. Ghosting can be the best way to end an interaction, especially if further explanation or reason only serves to magnify the discomfort or danger.)
Being ghosted created more self-doubt: was it the quality of my end of the conversation? Was I too serious? Not fun enough? Not interesting enough? Too desperate? Too insecure? Was I not a good person? Was I not good enough? Was it something about me that I could fix? Skill issue? Frustration and unhappiness also arose from being “unceremoniously” disconnected.
Thirdly, the uncertainty in building a lasting connection. For the few matches for which conversations were responsive and interesting, that I felt increasingly invested in, there was the uncertainty and anxiety in being able to hold on and build something out of the connection.
Upon reflection, I guess I did also turn people away for being too intensely invested in the process. This came with feelings that it was my flaws that sabotaged it, and wondering if I’d ever meet someone as unique, great and good as them ever again.
Eventually, it also dawned upon me that I had no real sense of what was going on. I just had an “idea” that I had a stake or an investment in a relationship — I too had no clue what I was going to do with a relationship beyond the first few dates.
Reflecting on my experiences (with the help of the Dhamma) has made them less painful, and I’d like to share some thoughts that’ve comforted me, and helped me to look at the dating process differently.
Wanting Less, Hurting Less
Wanting brings a sort of dissatisfaction—so want less: At the root of it, the preoccupation with dating & finding someone is itself a source of suffering. The Buddha taught that the:
“…union with what is displeasing is suffering; separation from what is pleasing is suffering; not to get what one wants is suffering”
When we find ourselves in relationships that are unfulfilling and unbeneficial, there is unhappiness. Losing, changing, or ending a promising connection that we greatly enjoyed is also a form of unhappiness, and when we seek but do not find someone suitable for us, that is yet another sort of unhappiness.
My takeaway: To moderate my wants & expectations regarding relationships. Although the inevitability of (some degree of) suffering attached to the pursuit of romance and love persists, by letting go of unrealistic or unnecessary expectations about relationships, I subject myself to fewer avenues of suffering. To me, this is a call for simplicity and moderation in my expectations about relationships—to focus on the few and vital aspects that are the most important to me.
Focus on What You Can Actually Control
What is within & what is beyond our control: I think we spend too much time and effort on what is outside our control, and too little on what is within our control.
What is outside of our control? Meeting the right person. What is within our control? Our happiness and fulfilment.
My takeaway: We may think that the process of encountering people is entirely within our control, but that isn’t necessarily true. We can do a great deal in setting ourselves up for success—by the ample possession of good morals, qualities, traits, behaviours and habits, by looking for people in the right places (not on online dating platforms perhaps 😜), by ensuring that we are in the right mindset and frame of mind to date. However, we are ultimately dependent on there being a suitable counterpart out there—someone at the right place, right time, who shares a compatible outlook on life.
The online dating scene is noisy and full of distractions—people are in it for a variety of reasons and try as much as we do to filter incompatible people out, chance and uncertainty features strongly in this process. Just as we don’t expect to be the lucky draw winner for every contest we enter, and aren’t overly disheartened by this outcome, we should practice a sort of “patient forbearance” (khanti) in this process, and focus on ensuring that we have done what we can to set ourselves up for success.
My takeaway: We may think that happiness, fulfilment and completeness come from finding the ideal partner, but that isn’t necessarily true.
There are some joys that arise from being partnered, such as the experience and ability to care for and be cared for in romantic relationships, having someone to share and experience life with; but our happiness and fulfilment is largely our own affair.
Even if a partner presented to us all that we need to be happy and fulfilled—whether materially, emotionally, romantically or otherwise—blinded as we are by our expectations and wanting, we would not be able to recognise and appreciate it. The solution to this lies within ourselves.
When we work on ourselves, the most natural and immediate beneficiary is not our (prospective) partner, but ourselves. The cultivation of skilful, beneficial and wholesome qualities brings immediate and long-term improvements to our lives. These traits would also attract like-minded people who appreciate them—an additional plus point. Similarly, the letting go of unskilful, unbeneficial and unwholesome qualities makes us easier to live and interact with, benefiting both ourselves and those around us. When we are easy to get along with, people find our presence enjoyable and less stressful, which is an added bonus.
Know Thyself: The Hardest Swipe
Know Thyself: If I were to condense all of my thoughts about dating learnt over the past four years into a single phrase—it would be “know thyself”.
My takeaway: We are best placed to truly understand ourselves and what we are looking for in relationships; to know what it is that we actually want and whether it is helpful to us.
Our continued fixation on idealised images and aspirations about dating brings us a great deal of unhappiness when they go unmet, or when reality is dull compared to our expectations.
Self-knowledge brings perspective on the relative importance of relationships compared to the other things in life: our family, friends, work, spiritual practice, health, and other life goals.
Could we also find a great deal of contentment, fulfilment and freedom in our current singlehood? If yes, by sowing good causes and conditions, we can patiently wait for the opportunity to meet someone aligned with our approach to life—and discern when a person isn’t suitable for us, and vice-versa .
Ultimately, respect, and concern for the welfare—physical, emotional, mental and sexual—of others underlies the whole process; after all, it is meant to be a joyful and enriching process for both parties after all.
Finding Peace, Not Just a Partner
In the spirit of the ‘Serenity Prayer’ by Reinhold Niebulr:
“… give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what can not be helped, and insight to know the one from the other.”
May we aspire and work towards healthier and sustainable tendencies in dating!
Wise Steps
Be clear about what I want from relationships – moderate my wants and expectations
To understand what is beyond my control and what is within my control
To know myself – have clarity on what I am looking for in relationships
TL:DR: The time after post-breakup can be challenging. In this article, we’ll discuss how one can cultivate an inner environment of peace, as well as sculpt a healthier and more positive mindset, to themselves, their partner, and their future.
Letting go is only one part of the journey. What comes next is the process of healing—for both you and your former partner. Even if the breakup was mutual and handled with care, emotions do not disappear overnight.
Navigating a breakup can be emotionally overwhelming, but healing is possible with mindfulness and self-compassion. Buddhism teaches us to meet our emotions with mindfulness, not suppression. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, the loss, or even the relief without judgment. Grief does not mean the breakup was wrong; it simply means something meaningful has ended.
Here are a few ways to heal with wisdom and self-compassion:
Sit With Your Feelings Without Clinging to Them
After a breakup, the mind often spirals into what-ifs and regrets. Thoughts like “Maybe I should have tried harder” or “What if I never find someone like them again?” may arise.
Instead of pushing these thoughts away or drowning in them, observe them with mindfulness. Treat them like passing clouds—real, but impermanent.
A helpful practice is to sit quietly and acknowledge:
“Right now, I feel sad. And that’s okay.”
“Right now, I miss them. But feelings come and go, just like everything else in life.”
This simple awareness helps you create space between yourself and your emotions, rather than becoming consumed by them.
Release the Need for Closure
One of the greatest sources of suffering post-breakup is the belief that we need a perfect ending—a conversation that wraps everything up neatly, a reason that makes complete sense, or an answer that soothes all wounds.
But life is rarely that tidy. Sometimes, people part ways without full clarity. Sometimes, emotions remain unresolved.
Buddhism reminds us that seeking control over impermanence only creates suffering. Instead of seeking “perfect closure,” allow yourself to make peace with what is.
Closure is not found in words from another person; but in your acceptance of what has passed.
Cultivate Loving-Kindness for Yourself and Your Former Partner
It is easy to dwell on pain, resentment, or guilt after a breakup. But holding on to negative emotions only prolongs suffering.
A gentle Buddhist practice to support healing is Metta Bhavana (Loving-Kindness Meditation). Even if your heart feels heavy, take a moment to send these wishes:
To yourself: “May I be at peace. May I heal. May I grow.”
To your former partner: “May you be happy. May you find peace. May you live with ease.”
At first, this may feel difficult—especially if the breakup was painful. But over time, releasing love rather than bitterness frees you from emotional entanglement.
Loving-kindness does not mean you have to stay in contact, reconcile, or agree with everything that happened. It simply means you choose to let go with grace, rather than resentment.
Shift Your Focus to Growth
Relationships are not failures just because they end. Every relationship—no matter how long or short—teaches us something about ourselves, our needs, and our capacity to love.
Rather than fixating on what went wrong, ask yourself:
“What did I learn from this relationship?”
“How did this experience shape me into a better, wiser person?”
“What kind of love do I want to cultivate in my future relationships?”
By shifting your perspective from loss to growth, you honour the experience rather than regret it.
Embrace the Space That Has Opened
A breakup is not just an ending; it is also a beginning. It is the opening of space where you can rediscover yourself, reconnect with old joys, and explore new experiences without the constraints of a relationship.
Give yourself time to:
Reconnect with previously neglected hobbies and passions
Strengthen friendships and family connections.
Spend time in solitude to nurture self-awareness and self-love.
Instead of rushing to fill the void, allow the empty space to breathe. In time, you will realise that this space is not loneliness—it is freedom.
Closing Reflections: Love as a Path, Not a Destination
In Buddhism, love is not seen as something to possess, but as something to cultivate.
True love is not about holding onto a person; it is about wishing them well, whether they walk beside you or take a different path.
A breakup, when handled with wisdom and compassion, is not a failure of love—it is a continuation of love in another form. It is the recognition that, sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is let go.
So as you step forward from this ending, remember:
Love is never lost. It simply transforms.
Pain is temporary, but growth lasts a lifetime.
Your capacity to love remains, and it will find new ways to bloom.
No matter where you are in this process, be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time, but every moment of acceptance, every breath of kindness, is a step toward peace.
Other HOL Articles for those dealing with breakups:
Editor’s note: This is an adapted article from Roberta’s blog of reflection and learnings
TLDR: As life paths diverge, Ro shares the challenges of maintaining deep connections with old friends, shifting priorities and growth. Knowing when friendships have expired might be our best wake-up call.
Fake niceties & growing older
The best part of growing older is the confidence and ability to take less nonsense and prioritise your well-being. As the years have passed, I’ve found that I’ve become more selective about the people I keep, as well as let into my world.
At the same time, it’s easy to look at your life from a distance and realise how much smaller your world has become.
There’s no emotion attached to the realisation that my ‘favourites’ list has shrunk dramatically in the last decade. It is what it is, but it has made me reflect on how I am validating the relationships I choose to invest in.
What is the opportunity cost of letting some connections slip away?
The rifts get bigger than our bridges
While I’ll always have love and appreciation for my friends past and present, for many of us, our different life paths, experiences and values have created rifts which are hard to bridge. This is when Buddha’s truth of ‘Anicca’ (Impermanence) strikes hard. While suffering can arise from change, joy too can arise from change.
With the people who I spent so much of my youth with, I’m not always given the leeway to grow and evolve into myself.
I’ve found myself pulling away from the hollow supportive networks where everything I do is met with applause and every problem or negative emotion that I have is met with platitudes like “it’ll get better” without any follow-up.
I’m forever the same persona to these people that I’ve known for many formative years of my life.
Is that reason enough to lose touch, future experiences and ongoing connections with long-time friends?
I’ve become more attuned to the effect of people on my energy levels and mental state.
Where once I would, I’ll now no longer tolerate the negative actions or energy of someone, no matter how dear they are to me. Self-awareness is one of the most valuable skill sets that come along with age.
If we’re lucky, we begin to understand how the actions and words of people impact our wellbeing and we learn the skills to create a cocoon (of sorts) around our inner selves, allowing only those who truly uplift us to take our time and energy.
This doesn’t mean being dismissive; it’s about treating ourselves with the respect we deserve and expecting the same from our networks.
Conversations become superficial
Unfortunately, my oldest friends who I love dearly are not the people that I feel I can confide in or be my aspirational self around.
Our catch-ups are often superficial and focused on the who, what, where, and when rather than the topics that tap into our inner thoughts, let alone topics that inspire and intrigue me.
I’m aware it takes two to create conversation, and I’d want nothing more than to hear the deep thoughts of these friends. However, the need to show status and be picture-perfect in every aspect of life prevents us from tapping into these topics.
Perhaps they feel the same, the unsaid words often drowning out the chit-chat that flows between us at brunches and lunches. Maybe we’re scared of what we will find out about each other, after knowing each other for decades through our evolution from scrawny little kids to women.
Maybe if we were to find out the true depths of our opinions and personalities, we wouldn’t like each other or even worse, we wouldn’t understand each other and it’s better to simply stay cordial and surface level, to celebrate the moments that mark life’s milestones.
It’s very possible that they feel the same and don’t know how to share it with me. I don’t discount the fact that everyone is dealing with their unique life struggles and challenges. We’re all capable of feeling the gamut of human emotions.
Looking around, I’ve realised that the “newer” people whom I’ve developed close friendships with and feel psychologically safe with are empathetic and compassionate people who thoughtfully listen and don’t mind the silence.
They’re not focused on status or money. They don’t mind if I sometimes come as my uncertain and confused self. Often, they are people who have gone through some form of struggle or challenge in their personal lives and have learnt that life is full of grey areas with shades of grey scattered within them.
***
One of my favourite speeches is a commencement speech by American author, David Foster Wallace, titled: This is water.
The speech starts with a parable:
“There are two young fish are swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes “What the hell is water?”
It’s hard to catch our automatic thought patterns and judgements of people and the world. It takes far more effort and compassion to consider alternate scenarios that humanise others.
In the speech, Wallace also references everyday mundane scenarios (a slow-moving queue at a grocery store, being stuck in traffic) and implores the audience to view others in unconventional ways, by challenging our default thought patterns.
This allows us to open our perspective and not take things at face value – which is almost certainly incorrect. Through this practice, we become aware of “water” or the humanness that surrounds us.
The hidden stories we don’t see
We will never know the full story of what another person is going through. We need to remember that our assumptions and judgements about another are clouded by our own experiences and states.
After trying to sustain these friendships, I can only hope my friends realise and appreciate that my life experiences and loss have led me to notice the water more than most.
It’s a common theme in life; the forming and breaking of friendships and how to bridge the gap between two people who once laughed together. Things change, priorities shift and we are bound to our own decisions and outlooks of life.
As time passes, I find comfort in understanding that growth isn’t just about who we’re becoming, but also about letting go of who we were.
Each connection, however long or short, is never a loss. They serve as valuable lessons that shape us, mould us, and lead us toward our next destination.
We can view the change as sad, or an opportunity to learn and evolve. My old friends and I can continue down our paths appreciating the times we had, and we never have to burn bridges.
Meta SEO <Ro Ignore>: As life unfolds, friendships shift. Some friendships expire. Delve into the realities of growing older and the wisdom of prioritizing authentic connections.
Wise Steps:
Embrace Change in Friendships: Understand that friendships naturally evolve, and it’s okay for priorities to shift. Embrace the changes in your social circle and allow room for new, authentic connections to form.
Foster Open Communication: Encourage open and honest communication in your friendships. Create a space where deep thoughts and inner reflections can flourish
Editor’s note: This is an adapted article from Roberta’s blog of reflection and learnings
TLDR: Running thin on kindness for your loved ones? Ro explores deeper why that happens and how we can change that.
Life’s Ironies
It’s one of life’s ironies, that we often reserve our charm and grace for colleagues and fleeting strangers, while our closest companions sometimes (or often) get the grumpy, exhausted and less-than-ideal versions of us.
In a recent conversation with some friends (all inspiring, strong ladies), we reflected on how easy it is to take those dearest to us for granted.
It’s like we’re keeping our kindness currency in a bank, only using the keycard for brief interactions scattered throughout our day. I’ve been pondering this behaviour and why this tends to be the case for so many of us. It is as if our bank of Metta is sucked out of us before we notice.
Great at corporate, Not-so-great at loved ones
A close friend of mine, a true corporate powerhouse, who can network with potential clients and business magnates with the charisma of a Hollywood star, reflected on how she often greets her partner with but a quick peck and a tyranny of demands.
Such a paradox. It’s not intentional, of course — she doesn’t mean to be demanding and low energy. In the moment, she isn’t able to withhold her raw emotions and frustrations and when he’s not around, she feels worse for her behaviour. She had, what Ajahn Brahm calls, ‘Double Guilt’, the guilt from feeling guilty about doing something negative
Loved ones in our line of fire
We’ve all been there. Life’s demands and uncertainties that are associated with being an adult can leave us feeling anxious and on edge. When we’re with our loved ones, we get to come out from under the facade that we carry throughout our days and reveal our anxieties and raw emotions.
Who better to witness this transformation than our loved ones, who end up often unfortunately in the firing line?
Showing kindness to others is an important social currency. I believe that a small kindness to a stranger can go a long way. It’s important to remember though, that friends and family are our true gems, and worthy of being treated as such.
They care deeply, they’re the ones who see us at our worst and still love us. In a world bursting with seven billion people, these connections inject meaning and purpose into our existence.
So then, it should be as natural as breathing to shower them with kindness and affection, right?
How often do you give your partner a warm smile?
When we talk about kindness, it’s often defined as selflessly helping others, with no expectation of receiving anything in return.
We beam at our barista, applaud a colleague’s effort, and lend an ear to an acquaintance. With our friends and family, we often have a different bar for them and load them with expectations that we associate with our relationship.
We don’t approach them with the same lens that we do strangers, which makes showing kindness that much more meaningful.
Unfiltered vs. Worst Self
It’s both a blessing and a curse to have our loved ones see all of us. They see the best side of us and the less patient and often curt sides of our personalities.
Psychological studies even reveal that we sometimes unleash direct (nagging, demands) and indirect (passive-aggressiveness) aggression on our closest ones because we think they can handle it. Essentially, we treat them like the punching bags of our emotions.
Think about that. We’re being our worst selves to our favourite people, just because they will “tolerate” it. What a twisted way of showing affection.
Imagine An Alternate Reality with Your Loved Ones
Wouldn’t it be better if we lit up when our partner entered the room? Or greeted our parents with hugs that radiate love? Maybe we should meet our friends with the energy we save for the coffee meeting with a client?
I’m not advocating for us to don masks and put up fronts before our loved ones. But it’s about acknowledging how our autopilot treatment of our loved ones can be harmful.
Time is precious, and in our busy lives, amid countless demands, it’s vital to spoil our loved ones with kindness and appreciation.
These are a few tips about how we can show more kindness and love to our favourite people:
Practice Stoicism — imagine life without them
This can sound morbid and negative, but that’s exactly what makes it a strong practice. In my daily meditations, I can experience the huge hole my life would have without the presence and love of my family and closest friends.
This makes me feel a sense of immense gratitude and love for them and the time that I have with them. I’m able to be more present and more openly show my appreciation for them.
Ever notice the small gestures from your partner, like making you a cup of tea or opening the door for you?
Maybe it’s a friend, listening to your latest quandary. It’s so easy to take for granted these actions from our loved ones when we are in the thick of our turmoil.
Yet, the small actions are acts of love that we should take more time to acknowledge. Noticing these actions gives us opportunities for us to show gratitude. It can be as simple as conveying your gratitude for their actions through a heartfelt, in-the-moment “thank you.”
By sharing gratitude and being aware of their actions, you are less likely to “attack” your loved ones.
It comes back twofold, as it also helps future difficult conversations become more meaningful.
You can try out Gratitude meditation guided by an awesome nun, Ayya Khema, right here.
Be Present — The Game-Changer
Quality time together requires presence and curiosity. No matter how tired, grumpy or impatient I feel, nothing turns that around and shows my partner that I care more, than by being present.
When I am present, I have the space to appreciate that they are human beings, just like me who are experiencing their life challenges and insecurities. Presence is the key to showing love and gratitude, as it helps to create space and intentions from your actions.
I switch off my smartphone, turn away from the screen, and just listen. Listen with compassion and love by remembering that the words that my loved ones share, convey how they feel, and this is important to me.
Amongst all the chaos of work and life, we mustn’t forget to scatter kindness where it’s most needed.
It takes effort to ensure our loved ones feel like they are the most important people in our lives. While it’s beautiful that they get full access to see us at our worst, it’s not a free pass to treat them worse than we treat a mere stranger or colleague.
By expressing kindness in your relationships, even when you’re venting or airing frustrations, we are paving the way for those close to us to listen and understand us. Kindness gets your needs met.
