TL;DR: Milktea recounts the emotional journey of healing after a breakup, moving from shock and denial to acceptance through Buddhist practice. By embracing impermanence, letting go of attachment, and reflecting on personal growth, she finds peace and clarity with the support of the Dhamma and spiritual friends.
Breaking Up on a Happy Day
It was a fine day in Singapore after a week of travelling when I returned home to my (then) boyfriend. He picked me up, and we chatted as usual before he dropped me off after lunch.
Later that afternoon, he mentioned wanting to talk. We sat at the park near my place, and then he broke the news…
After 4 years of cruising together, he called it quits.
The reason?
The relationship had become draining for him. He felt emotionally disconnected and unable to be vulnerable with me. He also mentioned feeling burdened whenever we discussed marriage plans.
I was shocked. I thought we were doing okay.
He had always seemed enthusiastic about building a future together—starting a family, buying a home, planning our wedding. I had saved up money, researched potential neighbourhoods, and even thought about how our home could be.
But now that was gone.
It felt like my world had shattered.
I suggested giving ourselves space before discussing it again.
Denial Stage
The breakup request felt abrupt, and I wasn’t emotionally prepared, especially after a mentally tiring trip.
For the first few days, I couldn’t accept reality. We agreed to a week of no contact to confirm if this was the right decision. During that time, I grieved, shared stories with friends, and reflected deeply.
I realised I had made mistakes in the relationship. A mentor pointed out that as an extrovert, I needed to learn to listen better, not just talk about my needs. It hit me—I could have been a better partner.
When we met after the week, I shared my reflections, prepared for any response. I told myself, “Whatever happens, happens. All conditioned things are impermanent.”
But his answer remained the same. It was better for us to part ways. Even after confirming multiple times, reconciliation seemed unlikely.
It was time to face reality.
Anger and Resentment Stage
I attempted to find closure by accepting reality, but the grief lingered. Despite knowing I shouldn’t dwell on what was, my heart struggled to accept. I repeated the same stories to my friends, feeling like a broken record. They knew every detail, in various retellings and languages.
I compared myself to a pig playing in mud—knowing it was dirty but unable to resist. How long would I burden my friends with negativity from the breakup? They were understanding, but I realised I need to stop.
No amount of mud slinging at his flaws or the relationship would bring back the past I hung on to. It would only bring more ill will to people around me.
Realisation and Acceptance
It was time to face reality, to delve into my inner world and to revisit Buddhist teachings (the Dhamma).
During meditation, I realised I had been fixated on our future, the fantasy of “happily ever after.” My attachment to these future plans blinded me to his current needs. Continuing the relationship would only perpetuate unhappiness, not love.
Reflecting on impermanence and conditioned arising, I understood that clinging to memories and failures would only lead to suffering. Just as all things arise and pass away, so too did our relationship.
The Buddha’s teachings on impermanence (anicca), suffering (dukkha), and non-self (anatta) guided me to let go fully. By assuming there was a fixed ‘me,’ who was in a relationship and was supposed to continue existing in that manner, I was holding onto what was changing, wishing it was otherwise.
Moving On
Accepting reality, I found relief.
Despite friends suggesting my time was wasted (due to societal norms of being a female with ‘expiry dates’), I disagree.
Time is only wasted if you didn’t learn from the experience. I have learnt much about my flaws and my shortcomings. It is not easy to shine a light on your darkest spots. Lessons are gained even in the deepest depths of pain.
I now have more time and energy to attend to the things that I’d neglected when I was dating. I am also reflecting on how I can improve as a person. To build myself out of the ashes of a ‘failed’ relationship and to emerge a stronger and wiser individual.
Leaning on my Dhamma friends (kalyanamittā) has been a great balm to my wounds.
They stir up kusala (wholesome) mind states within me. They encourage me to workout to keep my mind stable.
In summary, my time together with my ex-boyfriend was right for us then, and I cherish those moments. I’m glad to conclude the chapter with a smile. It was a good 5-year journey. Now, I wish him happiness on his path ahead.
Mind-Tricks for Letting Go
Two practices supported me through this process, thanks to the Triple Gem (Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha) and my Dhamma friends:
Consider Opposite Values: When I feel angry or disappointed about an incident or memory, I switch my mental state to focus on the positive values I uphold. For example, when I felt angry because my (ex) partner exploded without warning, I shifted my mindset to, “I am upset because I value calmness.” This approach helped to stop the narratives surrounding the breakup. This trick prevents the mind from spiralling into negative states about the person, and it reframes the thinking towards oneself without making it personal.
Cultivate Non-Attachment to Stories: When mindfulness is sharp, I observe feelings and narratives as they arise and fade away. If I dwell on or follow these fleeting stories, it only leads to dukkha (dissatisfaction). I recognise them as narratives rather than a reality to be grasped onto. I acknowledge them and allow them to pass naturally.
These tricks continue to help me navigate future challenges, ensuring a wholesome mindset.
Wishing everyone reading this a wholesome day ahead! 😊
TL;DR: Before embarking on Buddhist dating, cultivate sati (mindfulness) in your intentions, embrace anicca (impermanence), practice samma vaca (right speech) and active listening, navigate differences with metta (loving-kindness), and commit to continuing your bhavana (mental cultivation) practice for a fulfilling and harmonious journey.
Dating within a Buddhist community can sometimes be seen as a tricky affair. Why?
The fear of disrupting this serene environment with romance or facing the awkwardness of post-breakup interactions can deter many.
At the same time, it is a place where we can find our best partners who share our view of life and morality. How many non-Buddhist partners would accept us going on a no-phone retreat for 1 week?
Some seasoned members succinctly caution against mixing personal and spiritual spaces, likening it to “not s*itting where you sleep.” However, in contrast, there are many exemplary cases of Buddhist couples encouraging one another’s practice until the end of the path. So, what to do?
We got you fam! Here are 5 tips and considerations when you start dating in your Buddhist circle.
Cultivating Intentional Connections
Are you seeking companionship primarily to alleviate loneliness, or do you genuinely resonate with the spiritual values of the person you’re interested in?
Approach dating with the intention of fostering metta (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), and mutual respect.
For example, instead of focusing solely on finding a partner, consider how you can contribute positively to someone else’s life and spiritual journey. Be aware of your desires and motivations without being consumed by them.
Consider a scenario where you meet someone at a meditation retreat. Rather than rushing into a relationship based on attraction alone, take the time to observe their conduct and engagement with Dhamma teachings.
Seek to understand how their spiritual practice aligns with yours and whether there is potential for mutual support and growth in your paths.
Embracing Impermanence in Love
Buddhist teachings emphasise anicca—the understanding that all things, including relationships, are impermanent and subject to change.
Embrace this reality as you engage in dating within your Buddhist circle. Our needs and love language evolve. Learning to surf the waves of ups and downs and being ready to do so is a good starting point.
For instance, rather than clinging to specific expectations about how a relationship should progress, appreciate each moment and connection for what it offers in the present. Having a planned timeline of when to BTO (applying for government housing) with him/her is one of the fastest ways to Dukkha-land.
To strengthen this view, recall a past relationship where embracing anicca helped you grow spiritually, even after the relationship ended.
Communicating with Compassion
Effective communication is foundational in any relationship. In the context of Buddhist dating, practice right speech—speaking truthfully, kindly, timely, and with mindfulness of how your words impact others.
For instance, when discussing sensitive topics like Dhamma (teachings) or Sila (ethical conduct), choose words that foster understanding and respect. Contempt can arise if you engage in a contest of who is more detached or who can hold the precepts more strictly. Remember to respect one another’s progress on the path. It is non-linear and we all have different starting points too.
Imagine having a disagreement about where to go for the weekend. Instead of asserting your viewpoint forcefully, practice active listening and empathetic communication. Acknowledge your partner’s concerns and express your thoughts calmly and respectfully.
Navigating Differences with Wisdom
In relationships, differences are inevitable. Approach these differences with curiosity and metta rather than judgment.
Respect and honour each other’s unique spiritual paths and viewpoints on Buddhist teachings.
Suppose you and your partner have contrasting views on the role of rituals in practice. Rather than debating the superiority of one approach over the other, explore the underlying motivations and meanings behind each perspective.
By engaging in open dialogue and curiosity, you deepen your understanding of each other’s spiritual values and strengthen your connection.
Committing to Spiritual Growth
Regardless of relationship status, prioritise and commit to your spiritual growth.
Maintain a consistent bhavana (mental cultivation a.k.a meditation) practice, participate actively in community activities, and deepen your understanding of the Dhamma.
Create rituals with your partner that support your spiritual growth together. This could involve setting aside time each week for meditation sessions or attending Dhamma talks as a couple.
By sharing these practices, you not only strengthen your bond but also reinforce your commitment to the Dhamma and to supporting each other.
If it helps, create a commitment between the two of you to continue the practice even if a relationship doesn’t work out. The saddest outcome is when both parties stop the practice because of a breakup.
Conclusion
Dating within a Buddhist community requires attentiveness, compassion, and respect for Dhamma values in the other. Despite potential challenges like post-breakup dynamics, finding a partner who shares your Dhamma path is invaluable.
By cultivating intentional connections, embracing impermanence in love, communicating with compassion, navigating differences wisely, and committing to spiritual growth, you enhance relationships and deepen your own Dhamma journey. These practices not only strengthen bonds but also contribute to community harmony and growth when done wisely.
Wise Steps:
Reflect on Your Intentions: Approach dating with metta, karuna, and mutual respect.
Embrace Impermanence: Appreciate each moment and connection without clinging to outcomes.
Practice Samma Vaca and Active Listening: Communicate honestly and listen deeply to foster understanding.
Navigate Differences with Metta: Respect each other’s spiritual paths and viewpoints.
Commit to Continuing Your Bhavana Practice: Prioritise your spiritual growth and integrate it into your relationship journey.
TLDR: How to navigate the uncertainties of online dating? Learning to want less, expect less and identify what is within and outside of our control can help us know ourselves better.
As a young (<30-year-old) man interested in women, I spent the last four years actively swiping on various dating apps looking for a partner for a long-term relationship. The search has not resulted in a lasting relationship, and I am still single, but all is not lost: reflecting on the process has produced some thoughts that could make dating less painful, which I hope to be able to share.
“Mendicants, I do not see a single sight that occupies a man’s (woman’s) mind like the sight of a woman. The sight of a woman occupies a man’s mind.”
Of course, the Buddha also said:
“Mendicants, I do not see a single sight that occupies a woman’s mind like the sight of a man. The sight of a man occupies a woman’s mind.”
I think this sutta does describe the underlying drive behind dating. We allow the many facets of others to occupy our minds and thoughts, making them our singular focus—and create for ourselves a world of distinctions, complexities and possibilities (& unhappiness!)
Online Dating: More Than Just Swiping
Online dating is a process that involves the creation of profiles by interested people—you curate photographs, videos and short descriptions and traits about yourself, list out your preferences in a partner (gender, age, relationship type, etc. ), and the dating app platform searches for suitable people meeting those preferences and presents them to you. Next, you decide if you’d like to connect with them, and if they feel similarly about connecting with you, they accept, and it’s a match! The talking part commences, and possibly an in-person meetup in the future should both parties agree.
The Three Kinds of Uncertainty in Online Dating
As simple as the process sounds, looking back, I’d say that my experience of online dating is one that can be characterised by three kinds of uncertainty:
First, the uncertainty in whether I’d meet someone; long stretches of not matching with anyone, wondering if there was something lacking in myself that made me unworthy to be considered, and the additional loneliness I felt through this process of waiting.
Second, the uncertainty in whether I’d get along with the people you meet; people came in with their own expectations, ideas and thoughts about the dating process. Many were just bored, and wanted to see what it was like, without any real interest or investment in the process. Some appeared to be dating according to a checklist, keen to find any point of incompatibility. Others were disinterested, and spoke nothing much. Many matched and neither spoke nor responded to a “hello”, and unmatched soon after.
Ghosting happened often, expectedly (and also most unexpectedly), and people regularly dropped out of connections that they had no interest in continuing—without even a “this isn’t what I’m looking for, goodbye”.
(Let me note that: people should not have any obligations to continue conversations that they don’t feel comfortable or safe engaging in. Ghosting can be the best way to end an interaction, especially if further explanation or reason only serves to magnify the discomfort or danger.)
Being ghosted created more self-doubt: was it the quality of my end of the conversation? Was I too serious? Not fun enough? Not interesting enough? Too desperate? Too insecure? Was I not a good person? Was I not good enough? Was it something about me that I could fix? Skill issue? Frustration and unhappiness also arose from being “unceremoniously” disconnected.
Thirdly, the uncertainty in building a lasting connection. For the few matches for which conversations were responsive and interesting, that I felt increasingly invested in, there was the uncertainty and anxiety in being able to hold on and build something out of the connection.
Upon reflection, I guess I did also turn people away for being too intensely invested in the process. This came with feelings that it was my flaws that sabotaged it, and wondering if I’d ever meet someone as unique, great and good as them ever again.
Eventually, it also dawned upon me that I had no real sense of what was going on. I just had an “idea” that I had a stake or an investment in a relationship — I too had no clue what I was going to do with a relationship beyond the first few dates.
Reflecting on my experiences (with the help of the Dhamma) has made them less painful, and I’d like to share some thoughts that’ve comforted me, and helped me to look at the dating process differently.
Wanting Less, Hurting Less
Wanting brings a sort of dissatisfaction—so want less: At the root of it, the preoccupation with dating & finding someone is itself a source of suffering. The Buddha taught that the:
“…union with what is displeasing is suffering; separation from what is pleasing is suffering; not to get what one wants is suffering”
When we find ourselves in relationships that are unfulfilling and unbeneficial, there is unhappiness. Losing, changing, or ending a promising connection that we greatly enjoyed is also a form of unhappiness, and when we seek but do not find someone suitable for us, that is yet another sort of unhappiness.
My takeaway: To moderate my wants & expectations regarding relationships. Although the inevitability of (some degree of) suffering attached to the pursuit of romance and love persists, by letting go of unrealistic or unnecessary expectations about relationships, I subject myself to fewer avenues of suffering. To me, this is a call for simplicity and moderation in my expectations about relationships—to focus on the few and vital aspects that are the most important to me.
Focus on What You Can Actually Control
What is within & what is beyond our control: I think we spend too much time and effort on what is outside our control, and too little on what is within our control.
What is outside of our control? Meeting the right person. What is within our control? Our happiness and fulfilment.
My takeaway: We may think that the process of encountering people is entirely within our control, but that isn’t necessarily true. We can do a great deal in setting ourselves up for success—by the ample possession of good morals, qualities, traits, behaviours and habits, by looking for people in the right places (not on online dating platforms perhaps 😜), by ensuring that we are in the right mindset and frame of mind to date. However, we are ultimately dependent on there being a suitable counterpart out there—someone at the right place, right time, who shares a compatible outlook on life.
The online dating scene is noisy and full of distractions—people are in it for a variety of reasons and try as much as we do to filter incompatible people out, chance and uncertainty features strongly in this process. Just as we don’t expect to be the lucky draw winner for every contest we enter, and aren’t overly disheartened by this outcome, we should practice a sort of “patient forbearance” (khanti) in this process, and focus on ensuring that we have done what we can to set ourselves up for success.
My takeaway: We may think that happiness, fulfilment and completeness come from finding the ideal partner, but that isn’t necessarily true.
There are some joys that arise from being partnered, such as the experience and ability to care for and be cared for in romantic relationships, having someone to share and experience life with; but our happiness and fulfilment is largely our own affair.
Even if a partner presented to us all that we need to be happy and fulfilled—whether materially, emotionally, romantically or otherwise—blinded as we are by our expectations and wanting, we would not be able to recognise and appreciate it. The solution to this lies within ourselves.
When we work on ourselves, the most natural and immediate beneficiary is not our (prospective) partner, but ourselves. The cultivation of skilful, beneficial and wholesome qualities brings immediate and long-term improvements to our lives. These traits would also attract like-minded people who appreciate them—an additional plus point. Similarly, the letting go of unskilful, unbeneficial and unwholesome qualities makes us easier to live and interact with, benefiting both ourselves and those around us. When we are easy to get along with, people find our presence enjoyable and less stressful, which is an added bonus.
Know Thyself: The Hardest Swipe
Know Thyself: If I were to condense all of my thoughts about dating learnt over the past four years into a single phrase—it would be “know thyself”.
My takeaway: We are best placed to truly understand ourselves and what we are looking for in relationships; to know what it is that we actually want and whether it is helpful to us.
Our continued fixation on idealised images and aspirations about dating brings us a great deal of unhappiness when they go unmet, or when reality is dull compared to our expectations.
Self-knowledge brings perspective on the relative importance of relationships compared to the other things in life: our family, friends, work, spiritual practice, health, and other life goals.
Could we also find a great deal of contentment, fulfilment and freedom in our current singlehood? If yes, by sowing good causes and conditions, we can patiently wait for the opportunity to meet someone aligned with our approach to life—and discern when a person isn’t suitable for us, and vice-versa .
Ultimately, respect, and concern for the welfare—physical, emotional, mental and sexual—of others underlies the whole process; after all, it is meant to be a joyful and enriching process for both parties after all.
Finding Peace, Not Just a Partner
In the spirit of the ‘Serenity Prayer’ by Reinhold Niebulr:
“… give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what can not be helped, and insight to know the one from the other.”
May we aspire and work towards healthier and sustainable tendencies in dating!
Wise Steps
Be clear about what I want from relationships – moderate my wants and expectations
To understand what is beyond my control and what is within my control
To know myself – have clarity on what I am looking for in relationships
TL:DR: The time after post-breakup can be challenging. In this article, we’ll discuss how one can cultivate an inner environment of peace, as well as sculpt a healthier and more positive mindset, to themselves, their partner, and their future.
Letting go is only one part of the journey. What comes next is the process of healing—for both you and your former partner. Even if the breakup was mutual and handled with care, emotions do not disappear overnight.
Navigating a breakup can be emotionally overwhelming, but healing is possible with mindfulness and self-compassion. Buddhism teaches us to meet our emotions with mindfulness, not suppression. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, the loss, or even the relief without judgment. Grief does not mean the breakup was wrong; it simply means something meaningful has ended.
Here are a few ways to heal with wisdom and self-compassion:
Sit With Your Feelings Without Clinging to Them
After a breakup, the mind often spirals into what-ifs and regrets. Thoughts like “Maybe I should have tried harder” or “What if I never find someone like them again?” may arise.
Instead of pushing these thoughts away or drowning in them, observe them with mindfulness. Treat them like passing clouds—real, but impermanent.
A helpful practice is to sit quietly and acknowledge:
“Right now, I feel sad. And that’s okay.”
“Right now, I miss them. But feelings come and go, just like everything else in life.”
This simple awareness helps you create space between yourself and your emotions, rather than becoming consumed by them.
Release the Need for Closure
One of the greatest sources of suffering post-breakup is the belief that we need a perfect ending—a conversation that wraps everything up neatly, a reason that makes complete sense, or an answer that soothes all wounds.
But life is rarely that tidy. Sometimes, people part ways without full clarity. Sometimes, emotions remain unresolved.
Buddhism reminds us that seeking control over impermanence only creates suffering. Instead of seeking “perfect closure,” allow yourself to make peace with what is.
Closure is not found in words from another person; but in your acceptance of what has passed.
Cultivate Loving-Kindness for Yourself and Your Former Partner
It is easy to dwell on pain, resentment, or guilt after a breakup. But holding on to negative emotions only prolongs suffering.
A gentle Buddhist practice to support healing is Metta Bhavana (Loving-Kindness Meditation). Even if your heart feels heavy, take a moment to send these wishes:
To yourself: “May I be at peace. May I heal. May I grow.”
To your former partner: “May you be happy. May you find peace. May you live with ease.”
At first, this may feel difficult—especially if the breakup was painful. But over time, releasing love rather than bitterness frees you from emotional entanglement.
Loving-kindness does not mean you have to stay in contact, reconcile, or agree with everything that happened. It simply means you choose to let go with grace, rather than resentment.
Shift Your Focus to Growth
Relationships are not failures just because they end. Every relationship—no matter how long or short—teaches us something about ourselves, our needs, and our capacity to love.
Rather than fixating on what went wrong, ask yourself:
“What did I learn from this relationship?”
“How did this experience shape me into a better, wiser person?”
“What kind of love do I want to cultivate in my future relationships?”
By shifting your perspective from loss to growth, you honour the experience rather than regret it.
Embrace the Space That Has Opened
A breakup is not just an ending; it is also a beginning. It is the opening of space where you can rediscover yourself, reconnect with old joys, and explore new experiences without the constraints of a relationship.
Give yourself time to:
Reconnect with previously neglected hobbies and passions
Strengthen friendships and family connections.
Spend time in solitude to nurture self-awareness and self-love.
Instead of rushing to fill the void, allow the empty space to breathe. In time, you will realise that this space is not loneliness—it is freedom.
Closing Reflections: Love as a Path, Not a Destination
In Buddhism, love is not seen as something to possess, but as something to cultivate.
True love is not about holding onto a person; it is about wishing them well, whether they walk beside you or take a different path.
A breakup, when handled with wisdom and compassion, is not a failure of love—it is a continuation of love in another form. It is the recognition that, sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is let go.
So as you step forward from this ending, remember:
Love is never lost. It simply transforms.
Pain is temporary, but growth lasts a lifetime.
Your capacity to love remains, and it will find new ways to bloom.
No matter where you are in this process, be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time, but every moment of acceptance, every breath of kindness, is a step toward peace.
Other HOL Articles for those dealing with breakups:
Editor’s note: This is an adapted article from Roberta’s blog of reflection and learnings
TLDR: As life paths diverge, Ro shares the challenges of maintaining deep connections with old friends, shifting priorities and growth. Knowing when friendships have expired might be our best wake-up call.
Fake niceties & growing older
The best part of growing older is the confidence and ability to take less nonsense and prioritise your well-being. As the years have passed, I’ve found that I’ve become more selective about the people I keep, as well as let into my world.
At the same time, it’s easy to look at your life from a distance and realise how much smaller your world has become.
There’s no emotion attached to the realisation that my ‘favourites’ list has shrunk dramatically in the last decade. It is what it is, but it has made me reflect on how I am validating the relationships I choose to invest in.
What is the opportunity cost of letting some connections slip away?
The rifts get bigger than our bridges
While I’ll always have love and appreciation for my friends past and present, for many of us, our different life paths, experiences and values have created rifts which are hard to bridge. This is when Buddha’s truth of ‘Anicca’ (Impermanence) strikes hard. While suffering can arise from change, joy too can arise from change.
With the people who I spent so much of my youth with, I’m not always given the leeway to grow and evolve into myself.
I’ve found myself pulling away from the hollow supportive networks where everything I do is met with applause and every problem or negative emotion that I have is met with platitudes like “it’ll get better” without any follow-up.
I’m forever the same persona to these people that I’ve known for many formative years of my life.
Is that reason enough to lose touch, future experiences and ongoing connections with long-time friends?
I’ve become more attuned to the effect of people on my energy levels and mental state.
Where once I would, I’ll now no longer tolerate the negative actions or energy of someone, no matter how dear they are to me. Self-awareness is one of the most valuable skill sets that come along with age.
If we’re lucky, we begin to understand how the actions and words of people impact our wellbeing and we learn the skills to create a cocoon (of sorts) around our inner selves, allowing only those who truly uplift us to take our time and energy.
This doesn’t mean being dismissive; it’s about treating ourselves with the respect we deserve and expecting the same from our networks.
Conversations become superficial
Unfortunately, my oldest friends who I love dearly are not the people that I feel I can confide in or be my aspirational self around.
Our catch-ups are often superficial and focused on the who, what, where, and when rather than the topics that tap into our inner thoughts, let alone topics that inspire and intrigue me.
I’m aware it takes two to create conversation, and I’d want nothing more than to hear the deep thoughts of these friends. However, the need to show status and be picture-perfect in every aspect of life prevents us from tapping into these topics.
Perhaps they feel the same, the unsaid words often drowning out the chit-chat that flows between us at brunches and lunches. Maybe we’re scared of what we will find out about each other, after knowing each other for decades through our evolution from scrawny little kids to women.
Maybe if we were to find out the true depths of our opinions and personalities, we wouldn’t like each other or even worse, we wouldn’t understand each other and it’s better to simply stay cordial and surface level, to celebrate the moments that mark life’s milestones.
It’s very possible that they feel the same and don’t know how to share it with me. I don’t discount the fact that everyone is dealing with their unique life struggles and challenges. We’re all capable of feeling the gamut of human emotions.
Looking around, I’ve realised that the “newer” people whom I’ve developed close friendships with and feel psychologically safe with are empathetic and compassionate people who thoughtfully listen and don’t mind the silence.
They’re not focused on status or money. They don’t mind if I sometimes come as my uncertain and confused self. Often, they are people who have gone through some form of struggle or challenge in their personal lives and have learnt that life is full of grey areas with shades of grey scattered within them.
***
One of my favourite speeches is a commencement speech by American author, David Foster Wallace, titled: This is water.
The speech starts with a parable:
“There are two young fish are swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes “What the hell is water?”
It’s hard to catch our automatic thought patterns and judgements of people and the world. It takes far more effort and compassion to consider alternate scenarios that humanise others.
In the speech, Wallace also references everyday mundane scenarios (a slow-moving queue at a grocery store, being stuck in traffic) and implores the audience to view others in unconventional ways, by challenging our default thought patterns.
This allows us to open our perspective and not take things at face value – which is almost certainly incorrect. Through this practice, we become aware of “water” or the humanness that surrounds us.
The hidden stories we don’t see
We will never know the full story of what another person is going through. We need to remember that our assumptions and judgements about another are clouded by our own experiences and states.
After trying to sustain these friendships, I can only hope my friends realise and appreciate that my life experiences and loss have led me to notice the water more than most.
It’s a common theme in life; the forming and breaking of friendships and how to bridge the gap between two people who once laughed together. Things change, priorities shift and we are bound to our own decisions and outlooks of life.
As time passes, I find comfort in understanding that growth isn’t just about who we’re becoming, but also about letting go of who we were.
Each connection, however long or short, is never a loss. They serve as valuable lessons that shape us, mould us, and lead us toward our next destination.
We can view the change as sad, or an opportunity to learn and evolve. My old friends and I can continue down our paths appreciating the times we had, and we never have to burn bridges.
Meta SEO <Ro Ignore>: As life unfolds, friendships shift. Some friendships expire. Delve into the realities of growing older and the wisdom of prioritizing authentic connections.
Wise Steps:
Embrace Change in Friendships: Understand that friendships naturally evolve, and it’s okay for priorities to shift. Embrace the changes in your social circle and allow room for new, authentic connections to form.
Foster Open Communication: Encourage open and honest communication in your friendships. Create a space where deep thoughts and inner reflections can flourish
