Support Us
Ep 66: Alone But Not Lonely ft. Ven Sumangala

Ep 66: Alone But Not Lonely ft. Ven Sumangala

by | Jan 30, 2026 | Podcast

https://youtu.be/Gag4APzBZ-4

Summary

What does it mean to be alone without feeling lonely? In this episode, Venerable Sumangala reflects on solitude, companionship, and the inner stability needed to stand confidently on our own. She shares why learning to be at ease with oneself is essential for mental freedom, emotional resilience, and genuine connection with others.

Drawing from Buddhist teachings and lived experience, this conversation explores how spiritual friendship, mindful discipline, and self-understanding allow us to navigate loneliness in modern life. Rather than escaping solitude, we learn how to transform it into a source of clarity, strength, and peace.


About the Speaker

👤 Venerable Sumaṅgalā Therī is the Abbess of Ariya Vihara Buddhist Society. She embarked on her spiritual journey in Buddhism at the age of 19, inspired by the serene sight of a monk and people meditating, which deeply delighted her heart. This initial inspiration led her to actively pursue, learn, and practise the Buddha’s teachings, with a particular focus on meditation.

She holds a B.A. in Psychology and in 1999, she completed her M.A. in Industrial and Organizational Psychology, both from Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia. Furthering her academic and spiritual education, Ven. Sumaṅgalā Therī obtained an M.A. in Philosophy (Buddhism) from the International Buddhist College, Thailand in 2011.

Her formal journey into monastic life began in 2005 when she left the household life to become an Anagarika. Her ordination as a Dasasil (akin to a Sāmaṇerī) took place in November 2008 under the sacred Sri Mahābodhi at Bodhgaya, India. Her preceptor-teacher was Ven. Mahinda Mahāthera, a proponent of Mettā and one of the early disciples of the late Ven. Dr. K. Sri Dhammananda Nāyaka Mahāthera from Malaysia. Her meditation teacher was Ven. Nadimale Sumedhā Maniyo of Sri Lanka, who guided her in samatha-vipassanā meditation practices.

On 21 June 2015, she took her higher ordination under the guidance of preceptor Ven. B. Sri Saranankara Nāyaka Mahāthera – the Chief Judiciary Monk of Malaysia, and bhikkhuni preceptor-teacher Ayya Santinī Mahātherī of Indonesia.

In 2004, inspired by the late Venerable K. Sri Dhammananda Nāyaka Mahāthera, she decided to start a bhikkhunī training centre to complete the Fourfold Assembly for Theravādin practice: bhikkhu, bhikkhunī, upāsaka and upāsikā. In 2015, she pioneered the formation and registration of Ariya Vihara, Malaysia’s first Theravāda Bhikkhunī Nunnery and Dhamma Training Centre. In 2019, she received a government allocated land for the building of the project with construction to commence in the first half of 2025.

From 2014 to 2023, she inspired six short-term Theravāda Samanerīs to go forth for good, including the first 3 Cambodian Samanerīs to do so. She has assisted more than 50 bhikkhunīs in higher ordinations in Bodhgaya, India.

Currently, she serves as the Abbess and President of Ariya Vihara Buddhist Society and is an advisor of Gotami Vihara Society in Malaysia. Ven. Sumaṅgalā Therī is actively involved in conducting meditation retreats and giving Dhamma talks in various centers and camps, sharing her deep understanding and experiences in the Dhamma with others.

She is one of the recipients of the 23rd Anniversary Outstanding Women Awards (OWBA) 2024, in honour of the United Nations International Women’s Day.


Key Takeaways

Solitude Is Not Loneliness

Being alone becomes nourishing when the mind is trained to be steady, kind, and present.

Right Companionship Matters

Wise friendships support growth and values, without creating dependence or fear of being alone.

Inner Stability Creates Freedom

When we are rooted within ourselves, we relate to others from wholeness—not lack.


Transcript

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Ven Sumangala: You master your life, you master your mind. You cannot live according to how people want you to be or how people perceive you to be.

[00:00:08] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast. My name is Cheryl. And today I have Venerable Sumangala as my guest. Venerable Sumangala, is a fully ordained nun of 10 vassas and she’s also the president of Ariya Vihara Buddhist Society, Malaysia’s first Theravada [00:00:25] bhikkhuni nunnery and Dhamma training center.

[00:00:28] Cheryl: She’s also an advisor to Gotami Vihara Society in Malaysia. (add HOL intro clip) How can one be supported in this journey? And how to intentionally cultivate spiritual friendships?

[00:00:43] Ven Sumangala: It’s a very lonely journey because, majority are behaving that way, and you’re behaving [00:00:50] differently. We have to understand that when we walk the path in our life, again and again I say, we are seeking for what? Happiness, freedom. So that is our goal. If we think that, oh, when we have less friends, then we’ll be very lonely. But actually it’s not true. The important thing is kalyāṇa-mitta.

[00:01:11] Ven Sumangala: Friends that are beautiful. In a way that’s [00:01:15] supportive of your mental development. Most of the time, maybe every day, we look into our mind, we can feel the mind is at the lower side, not the upper side. So, who we associate is very important. So the Buddha even mentioned in the Mangala Sutta, what brings blessing number one is not to associate with the fool.

[00:01:37] Ven Sumangala: Number two, to associate with [00:01:40] the wise. Number three, respect those who are worthy respect. So there are altogether 38 blessings. And the Buddha also said, if you can’t find a friend that is better in their wisdom, ethical conduct, generosity in all those good states, then you better not mix. Why? Because it can [00:02:05] actually ruin your whole life.

[00:02:06] Ven Sumangala: You may think that when you associate with a lot of people, you are someone or you will feel very warm around, but no. Even you may have a few friends, but then that few friends is friend that you can really learn from, friends of sunny day and rainy day, friends of a counselor, motivator, and friends who doesn’t actually give up [00:02:30] on you when you are facing trouble. So, these are the friends that is more important. Not how many friends we have. And it is important to have friends that actually growing together, it will help the person to really develop.

[00:02:45] Ven Sumangala: When we don’t have friends, don’t be worried. For me, my best friend is the Buddha. why I think so is that because even we sometimes say, oh, this [00:02:55] is my best friend, they are not taking you as their best friend. Then you feel very hurt. But I think the Buddha is my best friend, and the Buddha said, you know, whoever that take him as a kalyāṇa-mitta, then the path of this happiness and freedom is open. Because they are possessing the path of the Noble Eightfold Path. You’ll find a lot of inspiration and also a lot of motivation and the [00:03:20] way how you can actually improve yourself to that the best human can do.

[00:03:26] Ven Sumangala: And the Buddha will never betray you. And his teaching is so vast. The path that he shows is so clear. And then we still have the Buddha, Dhamma, the Sangha until today that we can actually follow. This path is tested, validated. It’s not talking in the air or just a belief system.

[00:03:43] Ven Sumangala: So, not to worry, you [00:03:45] won’t be alone. And I was always asked, because I used to be alone. I always tell them, I’m alone, but not lonely. In the past, when I would stay in a retreat center, I used also to be alone and when the cleaner come, she always shook her head and saying that, aren’t you boring?

[00:04:04] Ven Sumangala: I tell her and said, I don’t have this vocab in my head “boring”. From [00:04:10] young until now. I used to tell last time my colleagues or whoever, I say if one day I say I’m bored, I say you should tell me, “something wrong with you”.

[00:04:18] Ven Sumangala: I mean the time that we have is such precious. And the thing that we can do is such wonderful. So therefore if we can really see the order of things and we do it and then you get all the result of what it means through happiness and [00:04:35] freedom.

[00:04:35] Ven Sumangala: Then we are not pushed around anymore. You master your life, you master your mind, you cannot live according to how people want you to be or how people perceive you to be.

[00:04:46] Cheryl: It reminds me of the Dhammapada verse where the Buddha said the mind is the forerunner of all things. What you shared about the Buddha being your best friend is so powerful. And I wanted to understand [00:05:00] how have you relied on the Buddha as a best friend in your loneliest times?

[00:05:06] Ven Sumangala: Sometimes we may face with some challenges, and then you don’t know who to turn to, right? When I face some challenges, like one time I remember during my work time in the past, key thing is that when everybody is like chaotic, throw out your anger and your temper.

[00:05:23] Ven Sumangala: “You think I don’t have temper?” That kind of [00:05:25] thought will come. Then reflection come in when you have Dhamma, then I say, it’s dangerous. If the darkness is there and you are the last hope, and if you give in and become dark, then it is worse. Nobody see any light.

[00:05:43] Ven Sumangala: Everybody will be banging at each other and get hurt. So then I tell myself, no matter how difficult it is, the [00:05:50] Buddha went through six years to discover this path. He went through even more tougher things. Then I tell myself, no, no, no, no, no. I should actually continue to uphold this light. Even the light is not very bright, I must keep holding this light. I cannot lose my temper. I cannot lose to join them in the darkness.

[00:06:10] Ven Sumangala: When this light is in the darkness, people can see hope. [00:06:15] People see, can see goodness. People see, can see, yeah, somebody is still holding that. And truly after that, all of them settle down again. So in times of difficulty, when we think of the Buddha, the perspective of what we should do, how we should do, and ability to be more compassionate and more kind in times of difficulty, the Buddha don’t get angry.

[00:06:38] Ven Sumangala: Even people want to kill [00:06:40] him. Not only he don’t get angry, he don’t have fear. So we wish that we can be like the Buddha, nothing to be fearful about the world. Then we have the energy, we have the motivation, and we have also ability to overcome challenges in life.

[00:06:57] Cheryl: When we hold on to the Buddha and the Dhamma, we’re holding on to light, goodness and hope. That really did [00:07:05] give me goosebumps as well. So thank you so much for sharing, Venerable. If there’s one advice that you can share with young people who are feeling disillusioned, also very confused in terms of seeking deeper meaning, what would that be?

[00:07:22] Ven Sumangala: You know, in our life, we have our goal from young, and then now we are on our own. We actually start to realize that [00:07:30] what we always think are not the same as what it really is, for example, especially those who are studying in colleges or university.

[00:07:38] Ven Sumangala: We can think or we can be very proud. Maybe we are very good student and we know like a lot of things, especially technology and everything. But when we come to the workforce, you start to see it is not what it is.

[00:07:51] Ven Sumangala: The reality is such that you are put in a situation that you have to [00:07:55] perform. And sometimes there’s no mercy because the competition is so great. So there’s no complacency of not doing something. And so all the stress, everything comes. So why not we keep to a principle. What life has it entail? What is the purpose of our life?

[00:08:14] Ven Sumangala: And that is very important for us. If we don’t have any principles in our life, then we are going [00:08:20] into the workforce by pushing around, by thinking competition is the way to our success or our happiness. So true fulfilment of life comes from not what you acquire, it’s what your principle is — principle that leads you to the order of things so you don’t have to be disillusioned, having disillusion of reality.

[00:08:43] Ven Sumangala: So come to [00:08:45] reality, face the reality, upskill your knowledge and whatever you need for your career. And then balance your life with the right lifestyle. Now a lot of people their lifestyle is out. When the lifestyle is out, you have to pay extra cost not only for your physical health, but mental health. So principles of life is important. So therefore, why it’s so important [00:09:10] that we have a purpose of life guided by the Triple Gem, the Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha.

[00:09:15] Ven Sumangala: Many people have tested this path and it helps not only when they are monastic, but also when they are lay people, when they are able to live a balanced life. So they still can live a very, very happy lay life, even as a young person cultivating your career. You’d be surprised if you can practice this, [00:09:35] taking the path, the Buddha, Dhamma, and the Sangha as your best friend, as your guide. And then you start practicing the principles of life that protects you, and protect others.

[00:09:47] Ven Sumangala: Then you follow the Noble Eightfold Path. Not that you have to chase after the success, success will come to you without you asking. I think this is my own experience. When I work, they are rank and [00:10:00] file. Some of them work for 15 years, 20 years. I worked there for five years only.

[00:10:04] Ven Sumangala: Then they already promote me to branch manager. I didn’t ask for it. When they interview me, what would I be within three years or five years? I just say to be happy and to make others happy.

[00:10:17] Ven Sumangala: So find peace within and do your best. Serve, share. And I think that is what the quality is [00:10:25] for being successful. Because other than that, the success will come to you. The promotion come to you. I didn’t ask for it, but they come to you because people trust, people see the quality and we feel the happiness.

[00:10:38] Ven Sumangala: Others also feel the happiness. Let success come to you rather than you chase after the success. Then you’ll find peace along the way. I think that is more important in our life because or else we will always feel very stressed, [00:10:50] very depressed, like always lacking of something, never feel content and fulfilled.

[00:10:56] Cheryl: And we are so lucky, we’re so lucky to have the Buddha’s blueprint alive with so many Sangha walking it as well as a direction and example.

[00:11:07] Ven Sumangala: So that’s why we say invest in personal growth, not just to get a worldly skill, but [00:11:15] also the spiritual path, the order of true happiness. So then you become the best version of yourself in the thriving journey of your life. So cultivate those good qualities and these are the protection, it will give you the resilience, the wisdom. Then the path will be even more smooth and easier for everyone.

[00:11:38] Cheryl: Sadhu, sadhu, [00:11:40] sadhu. Thank you so much Venerable, for the sharing and so much wisdom. I’ve learned a lot differentiating that material success is different from true happiness and that each of us have the ability and opportunity in this life to make use of the precious time that we have to walk on the path so that we can experience true [00:12:05] happiness for our own selves.

[00:12:07] Cheryl: And if lay people would like to offer support to your projects, can we find the details in the website or Facebook?

[00:12:17] Ven Sumangala: Yes, in our website, they do publish on the bank that if they want to donate directly or else they can contact sister Siew King. We use that (donation) for the service for the [00:12:30] society, for people to also come to know the Dhamma and also to partake the merits of building this is the very first Theravada Bhikkhuni Sima, nunnery and Dhamma Training Centre for family in Malaysia.

[00:12:44] Cheryl: What’s a Sima actually?

[00:12:46] Ven Sumangala: Sima in the translations, it’s called boundary. So in any monastery that we wanna set up for the proper ordination [00:12:55] of a bhikkhuni, in accordance with the vinaya, rules that the Buddha have set for developing pure community of monks or nuns .

[00:13:05] Ven Sumangala: So they need a sima boundary dedicated for pure action and also purification of impurity in case they have made any offenses. So, this year, in April it was fully [00:13:20] established by 17 bhikkhunis. And there are five Maha Theris.

[00:13:25] Ven Sumangala: So we hope for not only for this generation, but for generations to come, and also for the female who are keen in walking this path. There are also rooms for people to come and practice all year. We have another aspect that we provide, family education for parents and children to come and so [00:13:45] parents who have Dhamma, they can be a good role model for the children.

[00:13:49] Cheryl: Sadhu for all your contributions in building this for the benefit of all. So we come to the end of this episode. I will put in all the links below. And our listeners, please do subscribe to us on YouTube, Spotify, or anywhere you find us. And we hope to see you in the next one. Stay happy and [00:14:10] wise.


Special thanks to our sponsors:

Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen, Nai Kai Lee, Amelia Toh, Hannah Law, Shin Hui Chong, Dennis Lee, Kayliam, Darren

🙏 Sponsor us: https://handfulofleaves.life/support/


Editors and Transcribers of this episode:

Hong Jiayi, Tan Si Jing, Bernice Bay, Cheryl Cheah


Visual and Sound Effects

Anton Thorne, Tan Pei Shan, Ang You Shan


Get connected here:

Telegram Instagram YouTube Facebook

Dharma in the City: Can You Practise the Dhamma While Climbing the Corporate Ladder?

Dharma in the City: Can You Practise the Dhamma While Climbing the Corporate Ladder?

by | Jan 9, 2026 | Being Buddhist, Read

TLDR: The story of a Buddhist professional who integrates faith, family, and humanitarian work. Daniel Loh’s life reflects how Kamma, kindness, and clarity can transform everyday living.

Dharma in the City is a series featuring ordinary Buddhists who have spent decades in the practice, and also in service to their communities and beyond. 

Most lay Buddhists are multi-hyphenates – wearing the hats of a family member, a professional, a volunteer, a friend, and more. How do we go about the practice in a way that integrates all these different roles that we take up?

The journeys of our interviewees shed light on how Buddhist teachings have influenced and supported their diverse aspirations, roles, and occupations, all while cultivating the same path of peace.

The following interview features Daniel Loh, one of the early members of Firefly Mission, a Buddhist humanitarian organisation, as well as a Buddhist mentor, father and corporate professional in Singapore with experience that spans various fields including aerospace, management consulting, and the chemicals industry.

The interview proper/ The Paradox of Career and Contentment

Question:

Brother Daniel, you’ve been a wonderful mentor to several Buddhist youth, including myself, through the Singapore Buddhist Mission’s Mentorship Programme. I recall that we first connected when I was at a career crossroads, and I was heartened to find a seasoned practitioner such as yourself who is joyfully navigating the dual paths of lay duties and Dhamma practice. Your illustrious corporate career, along with your dedication to Firefly Mission’s humanitarian work speaks volumes of your commitment to striking a balance.

Based on your interactions with the younger generations of Buddhists in recent times, what are some challenges that they are facing, which you feel are unique to being a modern-day Buddhist? How have these insights potentially influenced your own practice or growth on the path?

Answer:  I count myself fortunate to be able to be in touch with the Dhamma from a very young age and have benefitted from it when navigating through my youth and working life.  Through the mentorship program by Singapore Buddhist Mission (SBM), I had the opportunity to mentor young professionals like yourself and others.  I rejoice to see that quite a few have the desire to get actively involved in Dhamma activities, learn and practice more. Each individual comes with their own set of capabilities, challenges and hurdles.  Nevertheless, one rather common perceived paradox is that of balancing contentment with building a career and family. 

I have been fortunate to apply the Dhamma in both my family life and my career, and it has helped me greatly. I see no conflict between the Dhamma and working life; skills like communication, relationships, leadership, and creating value are fully in harmony with the Dhamma.  For example, value creation as an employee.  When we have periodic reality checks to see if we have indeed created or delivered value appropriate to the monetary compensation we receive, we inevitably will be of value to the organisation.  In doing so, we avoid “taking away time”  from our employer or underdelivering on the expectations, which is also a form of dishonesty.  

The concept of Kamma (Causes & conditions) has been a key pillar in my life.  Knowing that I have put in my best efforts on something, I am not too disheartened when the results are not what I expected, nor am I too elated when it does.  The result, Vipaka , is a combination of past and present Kamma.  You have no control of the former, but can influence the latter. Living in the present takes on a clearer meaning. When something undesirable happens and I know clearly my present actions are not the cause of it, I take heart that this is a repayment of a Kammic debt.

Meditation has also helped me in many ways.  When I was working, meditation helped me calm my mind down and often, with a clearer mind, solutions to issues just came up.  However, the real purpose of meditation is to end our defilements, which I am now focusing more on.

Lessons from Interfaith Friendships

Question:

Growing up in multi-religious Singapore, I’ve often navigated differences in beliefs even within Buddhist circles. For you personally, how has your approach to interfaith and intrafaith friendship evolved over the years, and were there any key turning points or figures that shaped how you cultivate this understanding with your close friends?

Answer: Indeed, I do have many friends and relatives of different faiths. Religion can sometimes be mere labels that divide people. When growing up in my teen years, I have to admit that I sometimes tried too hard to “defend” Buddhism. 

Over the years, I have learned to accept that people will have diverse beliefs. What is more important is whether these friends show patience, tolerance, and understanding toward individuals and humanity. So instead of recognising religion, I move towards recognising the values and virtues of the individual. The Buddha’s teaching, “To do good, avoid evil, and purify the mind,” (Dhammapada 183) rings louder in my heart as I approach middle age.

I have two close friends. We are ex-colleagues, and each grew more passionate about our own different faiths. There were times we shared with each other the essence of our own faiths, often with the genuine care of a dear friend trying to help. These conversations were short-lived, as we realised that none of us were open to changing our beliefs. So we got along as good friends and simply chose to be there for each other in times of need.

I visited Mother Teresa in India in 1996 while traveling there with Buddhist friends. The fact that she was of a different faith did not in any way lessen our respect for her. We were captivated by her compassion and dedication to the less privileged. Professionally, I have taken Mahatma Gandhi’s passive resistance as an inspiration to do things differently. None of these experiences dwell on the topic of religion. As long as your friends’ and relatives’ actions are consistent with the Buddha’s teaching, “To do good, avoid evil, and purify the mind,” interfaith understanding is not a big challenge. Ultimately, everyone is seeking happiness, albeit in different ways.

Family, Faith, and the Householder’s Path

Question:

Among younger people today, family-building often feels de-prioritised, and in some Theravāda circles it can even be seen as a distraction from practice. Yet you seem to embody both devoted family life and deep Buddhist practice. How would you advise young couples who want to both build a family/relationship and grow in the Buddhadhamma?

Answer: The Buddha taught both the happiness of a renunciate (AN 9.41) and the happiness of a householder (AN 4.62). The path of the renunciate is the more vigorous path, with fewer distractions from worldly affairs, but not completely void of responsibilities. The life of a householder is filled with responsibilities and challenges—suffering to some—but also opportunities to practise at one’s own choice. These were important lessons taught to me during a two-week novitiate program in my teen years, which had a profound impact on me. 

I was clear that although I wanted to be close to the Buddha’s teachings, a monk’s life was not suited for me. With that, the Buddha’s teaching on happiness as a householder became a guide for me. So my advice is: if you think you have chosen the householder’s path, then be clear about how you can achieve happiness as a householder, and make sure you and your spouse are in tune with this.

Let’s go a little deeper with an example. Being a householder, you need to make money for necessities. So you run your own business or get employed. If you observe the tenets of Right Livelihood, you are already putting yourself at ease with your vocation. Observing the Five Precepts is the best guide to morality. Coupled with the generosity of your time, effort, and material, you are setting yourself on the path to happiness. By not stealing and avoiding false speech, you set yourself apart as an employee who brings value with integrity to the organisation. 

You are easy to manage and become a role model for others. You are not focused merely on working hours, but on delivering value on time. When you become a leader, you lead with the same values and with compassion. You naturally become a leader who cares and is focused on helping your team deliver value to the organisation. When you deliver real value to the organisation, beyond your cost, any organisation would be foolish not to take care of you.

At home or at work, Right Speech helps. Speaking truthfully, kindly, and purposefully conveys intentions that are pure, compassionate, kind, and useful. Arguments and disagreements are often ignited by harsh and heedless speech. Provide constructive feedback when appropriate and timely, whether positive or corrective. I personally appreciate when someone cares enough to provide feedback, especially when it is objective and and even more when it is tactfully delivered.

There will always be ups and downs. Understanding and accepting that everything is impermanent—that arising issues will cease over time—helps us not to take things too personally. Use mindfulness practice (meditation) to increase focus and concentration. This inevitably also helps in managing stress and life’s challenges.

Growing up in a progressive environment, we were taught to think of efficiency and effectiveness. If this mindset extends to people and relationships, it can cause distress when the expected outcome does not happen. With humans, given the same causes and conditions, you can expect different outcomes from one individual to another. One useful way that helped me, was to remind myself that each proposal or initiative is truly meant to help the larger group. So even if a few are not appreciative, it should not lessen the desire to act. You could say, in a way, that the practice of altruism helps.

When Leadership Meets Mindfulness

Question:

Other qualities of yours, which I find could be a point of inspiration for many, is how you’ve applied your leadership skills, operational knowledge and enduring compassion to humanitarian work under the auspices of the Firefly Mission, a humanitarian organisation founded in 2003.

Could you please share with us how this seed of FireFly Mission was planted and germinated? Would you be able to share with us how you have sustained your motivation and commitment to both the humanitarian work of Firefly Mission and dhamma practice, over the many years of service alongside practice?

Replacing corporate life with more meaningful Buddhist activities. 

Answer: Firefly Mission (FFM) started in 2003 and was officially registered as a society in 2005. It began as a sub-committee of the Buddhist Fellowship and had its first overseas mission in 2001. FFM focuses on humanitarian work in Education, Healthcare, Community Welfare, and Dhammaduta. Over the years, FFM’s footprints have spread beyond Singapore to Myanmar, Bangladesh, Bhutan, India, Nepal, Sri Lanka, Thailand, Laos, Mexico, Cambodia, Indonesia, and Malaysia. We have funded the building of schools, clinics, toilets, and bridges, as well as sponsorship programs for nuns, children, and funerals. We have also carried out disaster relief and rehabilitation programs.

FFM has no paid employees or premises, and volunteers pay for their own incidentals and trips. We encourage our volunteers to practise meritorious actions focusing on Dana, Sila, and Bhavana (Generosity, Morality, and Mindfulness).

For many of FFM’s members, including myself, we firmly believe that these are important conditions we are setting for ourselves in our striving toward the end of suffering. With this in mind, we no longer spend our money, time, and effort expecting praise or recognition. The smiles on the faces of the beneficiaries, knowing that they have a safe and conducive environment to study, create the hope of a brighter future. These are what drive our volunteers to keep doing what they do.

At appropriate times, we also organise meditation retreats, Dhamma talks, and Kathina trips for our members. These help in the development of our own spiritual path.

The opportunity to practice Dana, Sila & Bhavana is truly something that we cherish being part of FFM family.    

Friends Who Keep the Flame Alive

Dharma in the City: Can You Practise the Dhamma While Climbing the Corporate Ladder?

Question:

In the Uppadha Sutta (Sn 45.2), it was told to Ananda that “the entire holy life,… is, good friendship, good companionship, good comradeship”. Thank you for being a wise friend to the HOL readers through this interview. 

You’ve clearly faced and worked through many challenges in your practice and life journey. Are there particular teachings or insights that have most helped you endure and overcome difficult periods, which we might also hold onto in our own darker times?

Answer: Indeed, the Buddha’s exhortation to Ven. Ananda was a very important one for all of us to keep in mind—the importance of Kalyana Mitta (spiritual friends). We are all encouraging each other on the Buddha’s Path. Handful of Leaves (HOL) and FireFly mission (FFM) are both creating the conditions for readers, supporters, and volunteers to come together—not necessarily always in person, but to be connected spiritually and inspired to stay close to the Triple Gem.

During the course of my career, I was based in Thailand, Malaysia, and Indonesia with my family. That gave me a real appreciation of the countries and the lifestyles there. A couple of locations were appealing as possible places for retirement, due to the lower cost and abundance of land. Nevertheless, I wanted to return to Singapore and reconnect with my spiritual friends before retiring. Eventually, I returned to work in Singapore for four years before I retired in 2023.

Handing over of a students’ dormitory at Chumchonbanthasongyang Secondary School, Tak Province, Thailand in Octo 2024.  Dormitory sponsored by Firefly Mission members. 

Close friends and family can comfort you in trying times and sometimes provide immediate relief. Kalyana Mittas encourage you to stay close to the Buddha’s Path and, on many occasions, inspire one another to practise together. On many occasions, when I am slacking in my Dhamma practice, the sense of urgency arises when I am with Dhamma friends.  It is normal that we tend to be part of the company we keep, doing things that the group finds interesting.  Therefore, hanging around Kalyana Mittas is truly a blessing.

Wise Steps:

  • Practise Right Livelihood daily by ensuring your work brings value and integrity, just as Daniel checks if his contributions match his pay—avoiding dishonesty by giving his best at work.
  • See career and Dhamma as one path, not two separate lives; Daniel shows that lessons like communication, compassion, and leadership naturally align with Buddhist practice.
  • Balance contentment with ambition by applying the law of Kamma—do your best without clinging to results, knowing outcomes are shaped by both past and present causes.

References:

Ep 65: The Buddhist Path to Finding Your True Purpose ft. Ven Sumangala

Ep 65: The Buddhist Path to Finding Your True Purpose ft. Ven Sumangala

by | Jan 2, 2026 | Podcast

https://youtu.be/IK0KphAxygA

Summary

What gives life true meaning beyond achievement, comfort, and success? In this episode, Venerable Sumangala reflects on purpose, happiness, and the Buddhist path—challenging modern ideas of fulfillment and inviting us to look inward. Through teachings on non-attachment, mental training, and the Noble Eightfold Path, this conversation explores how lasting happiness comes from freedom of mind, not endless striving.

In a world driven by speed, consumption, and constant comparison, Venerable Sumangala offers a countercultural perspective: that peace is not found by adding more to our lives, but by understanding what is truly essential. She speaks about the quiet stress underlying modern living, the illusion of control through success, and how mindful awareness allows us to appreciate life without clinging to it—pointing toward a simpler, steadier form of happiness that can be cultivated here and now.


About the Speaker

👤 Venerable Sumaṅgalā Therī is the Abbess of Ariya Vihara Buddhist Society. She embarked on her spiritual journey in Buddhism at the age of 19, inspired by the serene sight of a monk and people meditating, which deeply delighted her heart. This initial inspiration led her to actively pursue, learn, and practise the Buddha’s teachings, with a particular focus on meditation.

She holds a B.A. in Psychology and in 1999, she completed her M.A. in Industrial and Organizational Psychology, both from Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia. Furthering her academic and spiritual education, Ven. Sumaṅgalā Therī obtained an M.A. in Philosophy (Buddhism) from the International Buddhist College, Thailand in 2011.

Her formal journey into monastic life began in 2005 when she left the household life to become an Anagarika. Her ordination as a Dasasil (akin to a Sāmaṇerī) took place in November 2008 under the sacred Sri Mahābodhi at Bodhgaya, India. Her preceptor-teacher was Ven. Mahinda Mahāthera, a proponent of Mettā and one of the early disciples of the late Ven. Dr. K. Sri Dhammananda Nāyaka Mahāthera from Malaysia. Her meditation teacher was Ven. Nadimale Sumedhā Maniyo of Sri Lanka, who guided her in samatha-vipassanā meditation practices.

On 21 June 2015, she took her higher ordination under the guidance of preceptor Ven. B. Sri Saranankara Nāyaka Mahāthera – the Chief Judiciary Monk of Malaysia, and bhikkhuni preceptor-teacher Ayya Santinī Mahātherī of Indonesia.

In 2004, inspired by the late Venerable K. Sri Dhammananda Nāyaka Mahāthera, she decided to start a bhikkhunī training centre to complete the Fourfold Assembly for Theravādin practice: bhikkhu, bhikkhunī, upāsaka and upāsikā. In 2015, she pioneered the formation and registration of Ariya Vihara, Malaysia’s first Theravāda Bhikkhunī Nunnery and Dhamma Training Centre. In 2019, she received a government allocated land for the building of the project with construction to commence in the first half of 2025.

From 2014 to 2023, she inspired six short-term Theravāda Samanerīs to go forth for good, including the first 3 Cambodian Samanerīs to do so. She has assisted more than 50 bhikkhunīs in higher ordinations in Bodhgaya, India.

Currently, she serves as the Abbess and President of Ariya Vihara Buddhist Society and is an advisor of Gotami Vihara Society in Malaysia. Ven. Sumaṅgalā Therī is actively involved in conducting meditation retreats and giving Dhamma talks in various centers and camps, sharing her deep understanding and experiences in the Dhamma with others.

She is one of the recipients of the 23rd Anniversary Outstanding Women Awards (OWBA) 2024, in honour of the United Nations International Women’s Day.


Key Takeaways

Purpose Beyond Success

Modern ambition promises fulfillment, but lasting meaning comes from understanding suffering and cultivating inner freedom rather than external identity.

Non-Attachment, Real Peace

By loosening our grip on desires and outcomes, the mind becomes lighter, steadier, and less shaken by change or loss.

Train the Mind

Regular mindfulness and meditation build clarity and emotional resilience, helping us respond to life with wisdom instead of habit.


Transcript

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Ven Sumangala: if a person live a hundred years without a purpose, so, what they do is eat,

[00:00:04] Ven Sumangala: sleep,

[00:00:05] Ven Sumangala: then play, play,

[00:00:07] Ven Sumangala: pain, pain,

[00:00:08] Ven Sumangala: die.

[00:00:14] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast. My name is Cheryl. And today I have Venerable Sumangala as my guest. Today, we question the purpose of life. A lot of us wonder around just doing our nine to five, and then after that we spend five to nine on scrolling on IG, scrolling on TikTok.

[00:00:34] Cheryl: Then day by day, it just goes by and one day we are 60. So what truly is the purpose of life and how can we make our day to day more meaningful? My guest today, Venerable Sumangala, is a fully ordained nun of 10 vassas and she’s also the president of

[00:00:51] Cheryl: Ariya Vihara Buddhist Society, Malaysia’s first Theravada bhikkhuni nunnery and Dhamma training center.

[00:00:57] Cheryl: She’s also an advisor to

[00:00:58] Cheryl: Gotami Vihara Society in Malaysia. Welcome Venerable Sumangala.

[00:01:02] Ven Sumangala: Thank you. Namo Buddhaya.

[00:01:05] Cheryl: Namo Buddhaya so to begin off, I will start with a cheeky question, which is what is the purpose of your life?

[00:01:15] Ven Sumangala: My purpose of life is

[00:01:17] Ven Sumangala: to live every moment as it is. The main purpose is to be free from suffering and feeling free.

[00:01:27] Cheryl: Can you share a bit more what does feeling free mean?

[00:01:30] Ven Sumangala: So when we practice the Dhamma,

[00:01:32] Ven Sumangala: we will come to the stage of the mind where we get into the insight of what reality is, which is impermanent, constant change. And because of that, you can see there’s no entity that is in operation.

[00:01:48] Ven Sumangala: Then from there,

[00:01:49] Ven Sumangala: then the practice of letting go of desire and also the attachment on things in the world, even regarding with our body, we have that kind of sense of understanding that everything that we see, we experience is a fleeting nature.

[00:02:09] Ven Sumangala: So, if you understand that, then you would not want to crave and also grab or attach.

[00:02:19] Ven Sumangala: Thing comes and thing goes. We make good use of it when it is necessary or in need. But other than that,

[00:02:26] Ven Sumangala: when it comes, it comes. When it goes, it goes. If we don’t hold that attachment, then everything will flow freely.

[00:02:34] Ven Sumangala: We don’t get stressed and upset,

[00:02:37] Ven Sumangala: angry over the change of things or not getting what we want. So I think this is a very important insight to experience that freedom from all this entanglement and the grip of desire and attachment. Once the mind understand the reality, I think we will be free. And then because of that, we are happy. Not because we look for, but because we experience that happiness through that freedom from attachment.

[00:03:04] Cheryl: Wow. Sadhu. Well, does this also mean then that purpose will be changing and flowing? And if that’s the case, then why do we need purpose?

[00:03:17] Ven Sumangala: Well, when we are young, when we don’t have the understanding of the Dhamma or the truth, this is the process that we go. I mean, in the past when I was young, I mean, all of us go through, right?

[00:03:29] Ven Sumangala: And when we are young, people will ask, what’s your ambition? So I would say, oh, my ambition is to become a doctor. Then the mission start to change again because your inclination may change. So our purpose of life, we think, is to be or to become somebody.

[00:03:44] Ven Sumangala: And so if our purpose of life just to become and become and become, there’s no end. So these are the things that is ongoing. So we don’t have any really purpose, but we just live life like passing time. We don’t have a direction. But at the same time, we also know that we are not really that happy, although we have all the material things.

[00:04:05] Ven Sumangala: And we are also worried,

[00:04:08] Ven Sumangala: have fear,

[00:04:09] Ven Sumangala: and we are confused,

[00:04:10] Ven Sumangala: we don’t know our destination. So if we do not have any purpose in life, this is how we are going to live our life. Like I used to share with people,

[00:04:20] Ven Sumangala: even if you live a hundred years right, and then if you look at it, people will say,

[00:04:26] Ven Sumangala: wow such a long life.

[00:04:27] Ven Sumangala: It must be a good life. But one third of our life is what? Sleeping. Can you imagine you sleep for nearly 33 years in your life, doing nothing. Then another one third of your life is what? You’re taking care of this body. Then another third, then they say, oh, Venerable, normally, you know, it’s work. So, but I say if you live 100 years old, the likelihood is 12, 13 years old, you play, play, right?

[00:04:56] Ven Sumangala: Then 80 to 100 years old, what happen? Here pain, there pain. So, if a person live a hundred years without a purpose, so, what they do is eat, sleep, then play, play, pain, pain, die.

[00:05:11] Ven Sumangala: I ask them meaningful or not. If we are not aware, this is the life that we are going through. And this is what we see around us. And we think that majority doing that, so it must be true. But actually, sometimes majority may not be correct. And so we have to be very careful to see why we are facing stress, unhappiness,

[00:05:35] Ven Sumangala: the feeling of bored, upset, angry, not satisfied, fear, and then worry,

[00:05:42] Ven Sumangala: so much worry about our career, about family, about future.

[00:05:47] Ven Sumangala: Why is this happening? It’s because we do not know. We do not have purpose in our life. So it’s important to ground ourselves. to have a purpose. What is purpose? Very simple. Everybody say, if I have a car, I’ll be happy. If I have a house, I’ll be happy. If I have a career, I’ll be happy. So what do you want?

[00:06:08] Ven Sumangala: Not the car, not the house, not the partner. Happiness. So how to find the happiness. So happiness doesn’t come from just spending time doing, all these other things without that kind of mindfulness and awareness of how they can get out from that, unhappiness or unsatisfactoriness and fear and confusion.

[00:06:33] Ven Sumangala: Because we want happiness, we want freedom. But how to get there? So it’s important that we set the goal, how this purpose to be is because we want to find true happiness and freedom. So there is a path that leads to that. And we are so fortunate. 2,600 over years ago until today,

[00:06:53] Ven Sumangala: we still have this path to true happiness and freedom. That is the Noble Eightfold Path that the Buddha taught. And the Buddha also went forth to search for this path. And of course, he found the path and we are so fortunate we are the followers or the disciples of the Buddha.

[00:07:11] Ven Sumangala: We have like kind of a more in advance package for us to find true happiness and freedom. It’s only whether we take it or not,

[00:07:20] Ven Sumangala: or we just make a wish and do nothing. We must put into action. Then we can actually realize

[00:07:27] Ven Sumangala: the true happiness that we are looking for, the freedom that we are looking for, and live meaningfully.

[00:07:33] Cheryl: Can you share more about

[00:07:36] Cheryl: true happiness and freedom,

[00:07:37] Cheryl: and the happiness from material success?

[00:07:42] Ven Sumangala: As we look for something that is material, whether is money or is in the form of thing or is in form of relationship,

[00:07:52] Ven Sumangala: we get pleasure actually from the material association. And so we thought this is like the true happiness, but actually, this is sensual pleasure,

[00:08:04] Ven Sumangala: the senses are activated and derive the pleasure in it. But this happiness, we know that it is very fleeting and when the visual object is not there, then we feel unhappy.

[00:08:17] Ven Sumangala: Whereas the happiness that come from true happiness is a happiness that come from within.

[00:08:22] Ven Sumangala: It’s a cultivation of mind. We can see between a mind that is distracted and a mind that is calm and peaceful. What is the happiness that come from material things? Because when we don’t have it, that’s why we feel very restless. Especially when they say going for meditation, right? Then they sit still there, don’t move, close your eyes, don’t see, don’t hear. Don’t move. Yeah, that’s a time where a lot of people say, well, it’s torturing, they say. But actually no, that is the path to the happiness. Because right when the mind starts to be trained to know how to look within to the mind itself in a way that if the mind is scattered, distracted, restless, what would be the way, the method to help it calm down without looking at things or without hearing it.

[00:09:17] Ven Sumangala: So we silence everything around us, and then just go deep into the mind, and then there’s always method that the Buddha already shown us. For example, even like mindfulness of your in breath, out breath,

[00:09:29] Ven Sumangala: then metta bhavana,

[00:09:31] Ven Sumangala: means cultivation of mindfulness on your loving kindness,

[00:09:35] Ven Sumangala: then on your compassion to see joy and equanimity.

[00:09:40] Ven Sumangala: And then also there are methods that help us to cultivate, like for example,

[00:09:44] Ven Sumangala: the loathsomeness of attaching to the body, which we are attached so much and we think so beautiful,

[00:09:50] Ven Sumangala: but every day, you know,

[00:09:51] Ven Sumangala: it has turned out so much stinky things, yeah?

[00:09:54] Ven Sumangala: we still say, oh, it’s nice, it’s nice, when the moment it comes up from a body, we say yucky. But how come when it’s in the body, this is so beautiful. So it’s kind of to come to reality, we need to have that bravery to really address. It is true, you know, is reality. We still live like normal, but we understood that so that we don’t get the kind of a desire or attachment over something that actually is not what it is. So, if we cultivate the mind, then we establish a true experience of love, kindness. And it doesn’t become something that is so self centered, we feel the spaciousness of things.

[00:10:39] Ven Sumangala: And also the interconnectedness of all things. And then we see the beauty of how we actually change without holding to it. So we can embrace it as you move along. We are happy and at peace. So that happiness of within one is not so much of the kind of happiness that people think, you need to have a stimulant from external source.

[00:11:03] Ven Sumangala: But this kind of happiness, it actually spring up. The Buddha expressed it like in a lake, there’s a spring water that comes up. So it gives us that cool feeling, comfortable, calm, at peace, clear, light, and so embracing, and they can kind of be even more clear in knowing and understanding things around.

[00:11:28] Ven Sumangala: And at the same time, keeping the mind very, very stable and very peaceful. So, one is from outside, the other one is from inside. So, I think in our daily life as a layperson, we need both, right? Only thing we, we have to understand that the external one, in order to experience that, yes, we earn our money, we can spend on ourselves and for our family, relatives and friends.

[00:11:55] Ven Sumangala: Well, we spend it rightfully. And then we can gain happiness to the money that we earn. And so the pleasure that we experience. But at the same time, we also know the danger of sensual pleasure. So, if they don’t go to the extreme. I think for a lay person, that’s how they live their life.

[00:12:14] Ven Sumangala: But at the same time, it’s important to couple with what we call the spiritual cultivation of happiness that comes from within. So, when you’re able to develop this, then you do not seek the external happiness anymore, because all the time you can maintain that, uh, that peace, that calmness in your mind.

[00:12:35] Ven Sumangala: So that is even better, isn’t it? Because if you keep seeking, you know, there’s no end to it. And then when you lose it, then you already feel imbalanced.

[00:12:45] Cheryl: I think what really stood out to me is that the Buddha’s teachings is almost contrarian where the whole society is about maintaining and upkeeping beauty. The Buddha tells us, hey, the body is not so beautiful. And when, you know, so many companies, consumerism is geared towards getting more and more and more, the Buddha says, Hmm, sense pleasure is not true happiness.

[00:13:11] Cheryl: I’m just trying to reconcile the idea of finding true happiness with the reality of how much suffering it is. So for example, getting material or sense pleasures is so easy. Just one click of the button, then we get to see something that we like, or just one, one click of the button again, we get to order a food that we like.

[00:13:32] Cheryl: But then you ask us to sit down, meditate, fall asleep, restless, then anxious thoughts come. So what advice would you have for people who are struggling to find that internal happiness and easily get distracted with the sensual pleasures of the world?

[00:13:51] Ven Sumangala: The world that we are in, it is such. And not only that, you know, we are pushed to the kind of speed that I think a human mind, if they are not mindful, they go off tangent, because the speed that they are pushing the human today, yeah, is very, very fast, right?

[00:14:11] Ven Sumangala: You feel like you are being pushed around. Even though you don’t want to, whether the emails or WhatsApp, whatever, that keep coming, right? Now is the era of AI. It’s even more. You don’t even understand yourself so much, but the AI will understand you better. They know what you crave for. They know what you’re attached and they keep coming and feeding you.

[00:14:34] Ven Sumangala: So, if you don’t sit back and reflect, then, you know, our life is just like spinning and spinning and spinning, and then, when you spin around without your own control, then what will happen? You get confused. You just feel like life is so stressful. And this is the danger of it.* *So, as I think a wise person, we should actually come out from that cycle, and then look back into it. Actually, what the Buddha teach is not about suffering. The Buddha taught us, the end of suffering, you have a choice.

[00:15:06] Ven Sumangala: So we must have this wisdom to see that, that what is the reality. So if we go against reality, that’s why we go spinning. But what the Buddha taught us, a lot of people misunderstood, because the Buddha say there is suffering. So people say, Buddhism always tell us suffering, nothing but suffering.

[00:15:24] Ven Sumangala: We are, you know, still enjoying our life. But we also get all the stress. All the fast paced kind of life that we cannot sometimes breathe. Because everywhere we see, everybody is the same. What choice do we have?

[00:15:38] Ven Sumangala: Last time I remember, my boss, when I put in the letter for resignation cum retirement. Right at the age of 39. Then my boss was thinking,

[00:15:53] Ven Sumangala: you have things to enjoy. You are at the peak of your career. Why are you going to let go all these things. Don’t you think they are abnormal?

[00:16:02] Ven Sumangala: So then I told him, I said, it’s true, it’s abnormal, but there are different kind of abnormality in the normal curve. So there are majority that fall in the normal curve, and those, there are normal curve is actually because they are majority, but their lifestyle, everything is against reality. And they can get sick.

[00:16:23] Ven Sumangala: They can get stressed, get depressed. And when they cannot handle it, then they will fall into the abnormal, abnormal, which is very serious depression and out of the normal group, which is also abnormal. Yeah, but it’s only the abnormality still can be contained with the stress.

[00:16:41] Ven Sumangala: But I said there’s another kind of abnormality which is abnormal normal.

[00:16:47] Ven Sumangala: They are abnormal because they are small group, but their lifestyle their everything that they do according to the order, according to the reality

[00:16:54] Ven Sumangala: But because they are small group and very few people wants to do that, although they know it’s good, they always think, not for me, only maybe the Buddha or only those monastic people can do, but not us.

[00:17:07] Ven Sumangala: But the result is they are normal, because they are living according to the order. Naturally, it will lead you to peace, happiness, freedom, which everyone is wishing for.

[00:17:21] Ven Sumangala: But when come to action, they do separately. They do differently against what they wish. So how to get back? So the Buddha say, we have to know what is essential is essential. What is unessential is unessential. And then only we can get to the essential.

[00:17:38] Ven Sumangala: It cannot be. You want to be happy, then you do something else. I want to find peace, but then you keep having craving, you want this, you want that, right?

[00:17:47] Ven Sumangala: So like, for example, you wish for a big house. But then I said, then, no, you have to toil and toil to pay for your house. But then after that, so big, your house, and nobody clean. Then you have to get a maid. Then toil and toil to pay for the maid. Then I say, then you don’t have time, you are always in the office.

[00:18:06] Ven Sumangala: Then, who is enjoying the house? Your maid, not you.

[00:18:10] Cheryl: Which is so true, yeah.

[00:18:12] Ven Sumangala: So you see, the order is such, so you have to follow the order. Then from the order, you will still find enjoyment. Because you know that everything is interconnected, and it doesn’t belong to anyone, it’s appreciation of all things without being possessive. So when we are living, why not be really rejoice, right? In this journey, we can really see so many we can appreciate without possessing, right? So then we feel light, isn’t it? So why not, you know, just simple. Our life actually four requisites only.

[00:18:46] Ven Sumangala: You can live already. The rest is a want.

[00:18:48] Ven Sumangala: I worked there for five years.

[00:18:50] Ven Sumangala: Only then they already promote me to branch manager. I didn’t ask for it. What would I be within three years or five years? I just say to be happy and to make others happy.


Special thanks to our sponsors:

Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen, Nai Kai Lee, Amelia Toh, Hannah Law, Shin Hui Chong, Dennis Lee, Kayliam, Darren

🙏 Sponsor us: https://handfulofleaves.life/support/


Editors and Transcribers of this episode:

Hong Jiayi, Tan Si Jing, Bernice Bay, Cheryl Cheah


Visual and Sound Effects

Anton Thorne, Tan Pei Shan, Ang You Shan


Get connected here:

Telegram Instagram YouTube Facebook

The Silent Shutdown: How to Recognise When You’re Suppressing Your Emotions

The Silent Shutdown: How to Recognise When You’re Suppressing Your Emotions

by | Oct 1, 2025 | Buddhist practice, Emotional-mastery, Purpose & Happiness, Read

Editor’s note: This is an adapted article from Roberta’s blog of reflection and learnings

TLDR: Suppressing emotions disguises itself as resilience until it leads to disconnection and overwhelms you. Here’s how to recognise it.

We like to think of ourselves as rational, composed beings. We handle stress. We power through bad days. We “let it go.” But what happens when we don’t? When, instead of dealing with our emotions, we shove them into a locked box and pretend they never existed?

Emotional suppression is sneaky. It doesn’t announce itself.  Instead, it creeps in, disguising itself as resilience, logic, or just “not having time to deal with this right now.” Before you know it, you’re operating on autopilot, feeling strangely numb, disconnected, or—ironically—like you’re about to explode.

As someone who used emotional suppression as a means for survival for years, I often catch myself acting out when I deal with stress, conflict or uncertainty. Instead of standing up for my instincts, I find myself avoiding or ignoring the emotions.

The First Sign: You’re Always ‘Fine’

If “I’m fine” is your go-to response, even when you’re clearly not, that’s a red flag. It’s not that you’re lying, exactly—it’s that you genuinely don’t feel in touch with what’s going on beneath the surface. Instead of acknowledging sadness, frustration, or anxiety, you convince yourself that you simply don’t have feelings about the situation at all. 

You Get Overwhelmed by ‘Small’ Things

Ever found yourself losing your patience over slow Wi-Fi, a spilled drink, or an unexpected email? If you’re suppressing emotions, tiny inconveniences feel disproportionately infuriating. That’s because unprocessed emotions don’t disappear; they simmer beneath the surface, waiting for an outlet. When something minor happens, it bursts through the cracks.

You Distract Yourself Constantly

Binge-watching, doomscrolling, overworking, or planning every second of your day—these aren’t just hobbies; they’re avoidance tactics. When silence feels unbearable, and you’re always reaching for something to fill the space, ask yourself: What am I trying not to feel?

Your Body Knows Before You Do

Suppression doesn’t just stay in your head; it seeps into your body. Tight shoulders, headaches, unexplained fatigue, and digestive issues—these can all be signs of emotional stress manifesting physically. If you’re exhausted but don’t know why, your emotions might be dragging you down from the inside out.

You Feel Disconnected from Joy

Emotional suppression isn’t selective. When you shut down sadness, frustration, or fear, you also dull your ability to feel excitement, love, and joy. If nothing excites you anymore, if life feels muted, this could be a sign that you’ve closed yourself off emotionally without even realising it.

Learning to let them surface in a healthy way.

The Silent Shutdown: How to Recognise When You're Suppressing Your Emotions

When I first moved out of my home at 18 years of age, I spent the next years healing my nervous system and getting back in touch with my emotions. We all need to identify what works for us, whether it be journaling, exercising, or talking to someone. We need to process and sit with what is coming up, even if it feels uncomfortable.

Final Thought: Your Emotions Aren’t the Enemy

Shutting down might feel like a survival strategy, but it comes at a cost. Suppressed emotions don’t vanish—they find other ways to manifest, often in ways that make life harder than it needs to be. The real strength isn’t in suppressing what you feel; it’s in facing it, allowing it, and realising that emotions—no matter how uncomfortable—are there to guide you, not break you.

Finding Refuge After Loss and Nihilism

Finding Refuge After Loss and Nihilism

by | Sep 26, 2025 | Purpose & Happiness, Read, Wellbeing

TLDR: After a deep personal loss and a spiral into depression, the author found comfort through friends and therapy. However, lasting purpose only emerged after encountering Buddhist teachings through a meditation retreat. With support from a spiritual community and wise teachers, the journey of recovery began — one guided by compassion, patience, and the recognition of impermanence.

It’s likely this isn’t your first time reading an article about the profound effects of Buddhist teachings (it is the whole premise of this site, after all!). In line with HOL’s Mental Health Month, here’s one more to add to the collection — written in hopes that this story brings you comfort and reminds you that you are not alone in your struggle.

To begin, I wasn’t particularly religious growing up. I held certain stereotypes about traditional religions — seeing them as ritualistic and often at odds with science. I didn’t consider myself spiritual either; absorbed in worldly pursuits, I never explored anything deeper.

My only touchpoint with Buddhism was a rudimentary understanding of kamma, which gave me comfort during a particularly powerless moment in childhood.

When Grief Took Everything Away

Two years ago, someone very dear to me left, and the grief brought me to my knees. Things that once brought me joy or purpose suddenly felt hollow. Everything seemed frivolous and futile. What was the point of doing anything if everyone I loved would leave one day anyway?

Nihilism took over, and my world collapsed.

In the weeks that followed, I woke up every day wishing I hadn’t, as I was constantly dragged under a relentless tide of anxiety, guilt, depression and regret from the moment I opened my eyes. I cried for hours, and would be so drained that even basic self-care, like showering, felt very difficult.

I’d only ever get out of bed for some food, water or the toilet.

The pain, loneliness, and self-loathing were unbearable — so acute and exhausting that I could barely function. It felt like there was no end in sight, and I wanted so badly for it to stop. Desperate to escape those feelings and clouded by depression’s distortions, I began planning a permanent escape.

The First Glimmers of Support

Finding Refuge After Loss and Nihilism

No one around me knew what I was going through as I kept to myself. I knew I would only be able to get the help I needed if I reached out, hence I eventually confided in a few people I trusted. I made plans to meet and sob talk with them, which also forced me out of the house (more importantly my bed). They listened and kept me company, providing the respite I desperately needed. But it was temporary.

In moments alone, I fell right back into the spiral.

I went through the motions of life feeling dreadful and devoid of purpose as days blurred into weeks.

Then, one day, my mother — who never pushed religion — asked if I wanted to join her at a Buddhist meditation retreat. I hadn’t expressed interest, but with my calendar now empty, I said yes.

With two weeks left before the retreat and almost no knowledge of Buddhism, I dove into a crash course: Bhikkhu Bodhi’s videos, scattered online resources, anything I could find. The retreat turned out to be a pleasant experience.

A change in routine quietened the noise in my head, even if just a little.

A Story That Changed Everything

Finding Refuge After Loss and Nihilism

The turning point came during a Dhamma talk, where the teacher shared the parable of the one-eyed turtle that surfaces once every hundred years (SN 56.48). The story hit me hard — the rarity of human rebirth, and even more so, the rarity of encountering the Buddha’s teachings.

For the first time in a long while, I felt grateful to be alive as my perspective shifted.

It dawned on me: there’s no guarantee I’ll have these same conditions in a future life — no certainty of being human, or finding the Dhamma again. As the Ajahn urged us to make haste in getting as close as possible to the door of Nibbāna in this very life, I made up my mind to practise well and not waste my blessings.

After months of existential nihilism, I had finally found meaning and purpose. I was no longer in a rush to leave this life behind. The retreat also introduced me to DAYWA, an invaluable community of spiritual friends who have anchored me ever since.

Burnout and Relapse

Finding Refuge After Loss and Nihilism

Of course, this wasn’t one-and-done. Inspired by the retreat, I dove headfirst into Buddhist books and meditation — only to burn out when progress felt slow or nonexistent. Sometimes, things even felt worse.

I quickly slipped back and found myself still very much shrouded in the dark cloud of depression.

Between my relapses and frequent visits to my psychiatrist and psychologist, I’d turn to my close friends when I felt overwhelmed. Soon enough, I noticed I was repeating myself, and felt like a nuisance despite their reassurance.

I went back to my old pattern of bottling things up, and it was a tumultuous period, made even more turbulent with the passing of my grandmother as well. Eventually, I threw myself into work to feel better about myself, as I found it easier and quicker to seek that validation and gratification that I hadn’t yet achieved in meditation.

Meeting a Teacher Who Saw Through Me

Finding Refuge After Loss and Nihilism

Months later, through the compassion of a DAYWA leader, I was given the rare chance to speak privately with a wise, well-practiced teacher. Her remarkable ability to see through people made me feel deeply vulnerable — there was no hiding from her. As long-suppressed pain resurfaced, her gentle wisdom helped me navigate through it.

Much like muddy water that remains murky when constantly stirred, clinging on to saṅkhāra agitated my mind too frequently. Without a chance for its contents to settle, the swirling emotions seemed permanent. 

She guided me to focus on the cessation of pain rather than its onset, so I could witness its impermanence. Just as sediments in the water settle to the bottom with time when undisturbed, these thoughts and emotions would eventually subside when one leaves them be. 

“Nature is helping you — let it help you.” she said.

While it was scary and easy to be swept away by the strong currents of sentiment, I had to trust that nature would take its course. Thoughts and emotions, however strong, would pass, just like waves crashing in and then retreating.

In a previous conversation with her, she had also pointed out my stubbornness, saying I wouldn’t have stumbled onto this path if I hadn’t suffered so deeply (which, in hindsight, is very true). That comment gave a new meaning to my struggles. I began to frame it as a sort of “canon event” or origin story of a protagonist (think Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse — IYKYK). It helped me shift from victimhood to something a little more light-hearted and empowering.

Looking back, I was incredibly fortunate to have support from family, friends, colleagues, and access to professional care. It was the hardest blow dealt in the softest way possible; hard enough to knock me down so that I’d look for a way out of suffering, but cushioned by the surrounding support so that I still had a chance to get back up.

Learning to Be Patient With Healing

These days, I take a more balanced approach to deepening my knowledge and practice. Slowly, I’m building a new identity — one not defined by the person who left me. No doubt I still have bad days, slight triggers and anxiety about associated topics, people, places and memories. The fear of relapsing hasn’t fully gone.

But now, I do my best to extend compassion to myself. I try to be patient, allowing myself to move at my own pace instead of beating myself up for taking “too long”. Armed with the Buddha’s teachings, and flanked by my support system, and compassionate kalyāṇamittā, I find the courage and strength to pick myself up and try again — one day at a time.

Wise Steps

  • Be kind to yourself during difficult times.
    Recovery is not linear. Avoid berating yourself for being stuck or moving slowly. There’s no fixed timeline for healing.
  • You are not a burden.
    It’s okay to reach out to others. Expressing vulnerability and seeking help are not signs of weakness, nor are they things to feel guilty about. Leaning on your support network is a valid and important part of recovery. Prioritise getting better — you can pay it forward when you’re ready and within capacity.
  • Seek professional help.
    Therapists, psychiatrists, and support groups play a vital role. Sometimes, these challenges require guidance and support beyond what we can achieve on our own. Reaching out to a qualified professional can give us the necessary tools and strategies to navigate these complex issues.
  • Reframe your suffering.
    Changing the narrative can empower you. Whether through gratitude, compassion, or even humor, new perspectives can turn victimhood into resilience.
  • Have faith in impermanence.
    Emotions, thoughts, and pain are like waves — they arise and pass. Trust that, with time and stillness, clarity will return.