mental health Archives - Handful of Leaves

Why your Buddhist friends won’t judge you for seeking help.

by Handful of Leaves | Sep 17, 2025 | Emotional-mastery, Mindfulness & Meditation, Read

TL;DR Therapy isn’t separate from the Buddhist path—it can be part of it. Asking for help gives others the chance to practise compassion while helping you navigate suffering.

“But my friends are so busy, telling them my problems is just going to drag them down.”
“I don’t want to be a burden to my loved ones, I keep repeating my same problems to them”

If these thoughts sound familiar, if they’ve played on repeat in your head during particularly rough patches, this piece is for you.

I’ve been there too. Curled up on my bedroom floor at 2 AM, scrolling through my contacts and wondering if anyone would actually want to hear about the mess I’d made of things. Again. The weight of feeling like a broken record, cycling through the same anxieties with the same patient friends who probably had their own problems to deal with.

But here’s what I’ve learned about reaching out for help, viewed through the lens of Buddhist wisdom that I’ve slowly—sometimes reluctantly—come to appreciate.

The Mind as an Ocean

Some Buddhist teachers describe the mind as being like the ocean, vast, deep, and layered. On the surface, the ocean is constantly shifting, tossed by waves, winds, and changing weather.

We experience sudden storms: difficult workdays that leave us drained, strained relationships that keep us up at night, moments of crushing self-doubt.

But here’s what took me years to understand. The deeper you go, the quieter it becomes. Beneath all that surface agitation, there’s a space of calm and clarity that remains untouched by the chaos above.

This doesn’t mean we ignore the surface storms or pretend they’re not real. Trust me, I’ve tried that approach, it doesn’t work. It means we learn how to anchor ourselves amidst the turbulence. Meditation and reflection become like diving beneath the waves, touching that calm centre that’s always available, even when it feels impossibly out of reach.

Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate all waves. It’s not to get lost in them. We are not our thoughts or emotions. Like waves, they rise, change form, and pass.

The ocean remains.

Why It’s Wise to Seek Guidance

In the suttas, the Buddha repeatedly encouraged spiritual friendship and community. He understood something essential. We don’t grow in isolation.

While Ananda was the Buddha’s attendant for many years and was known for his devotion and memory, the Buddha did correct him on occasion. One notable instance is when Ananda stated that spiritual friendship was “half of the spiritual life.”

“Don’t say that, Ananda. Don’t say that. Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, and admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life. When a monk has admirable people as friends, companions, & comrades, he can be expected to develop & pursue the noble eightfold path.” – The Buddha, in Upaddha Sutta

No one sails rough seas alone. Not safely, at least. Just as a skilled captain consults maps, stars, and seasoned navigators, we too benefit from turning to those who can support us when the journey gets difficult.

Does asking for help make me ‘Unbuddhist?’

For many Buddhist practitioners, the question of whether to seek professional mental health support can feel fraught with spiritual implications. Does reaching out for help contradict the teaching of seeing suffering, not identifying with it, and navigating it with equanimity?

Are therapy and medication at odds with meditation and mindfulness? These concerns, while understandable, may stem from a misunderstanding of what the Buddha actually taught about human suffering and our response to it.

The Assu Sutta (SN 15.3) offers an honest depiction of human suffering in Buddhist literature. Rather than minimising pain, the Buddha acknowledged its vast scope across lifetimes, telling his disciples that the tears shed from losing mothers, fathers, children, and loved ones throughout our existences would exceed “the water in the four great oceans”.

In the Nibbhedika Sutta (AN 6.33), the Buddha then described two possible outcomes of suffering:

“It is when someone who is overcome and overwhelmed by suffering sorrows and wails and laments, beating their breast and falling into confusion.”
“Or else, overcome by that suffering, they begin an external search, wondering: ‘Who knows one or two phrases to stop this suffering?”

The Buddha explained that suffering results either in (1) confusion or (2) an external search. This distinction reveals that seeking external help when suffering becomes unbearable isn’t spiritual failure, but rather, can be a wise choice. A choice to actively pursue answers rather than remain trapped in confusion.

In line with this, pursuing professional mental health care can indeed be a constructive response to pain, representing the same fundamental human impulse that led people to seek the Buddha’s teachings in the first place.

Some challenges in life are simply too heavy to carry alone. Whether it’s persistent stress that makes your chest tight, burnout that leaves you feeling hollow, or old emotional wounds that keep resurfacing when you least expect them. It’s not a failure to ask for help.

By asking for help we also give a ‘generosity/dana’ opportunity for our friends/loved ones/therapists to practice their patience or empathy with us.

The Buddha never shamed suffering. He even sought out those in pain and taught them the path like Yasa, who was disillusioned with his materially rich life.

We can do the same, with ourselves and others.

Why seek therapy? Can’t I meditate my problems away?

One might be shy to accept that they have a challenge they can’t battle alone. Trying to ‘meditate’ away your problems is like applying a band-aid to a wide, gaping wound. Living life intentionally on hard mode doesn’t equate to a promised payoff at the end of the horizon.

If we are struggling and in a bad place, seeking therapy or even other psychological professionals is like applying a stitch to a gaping wound. Mental health professionals are equipped to respond to the specific problem you have, rather than a Reddit forum.

Once the mind is settled out of the emergency it found itself in (e.g. suicide ideation), the Dhamma can then come in to support your recovery.

Everyone is different, so either having the Dhamma side by side with your treatment or dipping your toes into Dhamma after having therapy is up to the individual.

See Ajahn Dhammasiha’s reply to a question on mental health here.

Therapists as Supports

The idea of the community that supports our path is at the heart of the Buddhist path.

Friends who truly listen. Mentors who guide us. Or even a good therapist who offers presence and clarity when we need it most. Mental health professionals, in this light, are not separate from the path. They are part of it.

A therapist is like a skilled navigator. Someone trained to help you understand the terrain of your mind, spot patterns you can’t always see, and explore difficult memories or emotions safely.

The Buddha himself sought out teachers before his awakening. He didn’t isolate himself from learning. He embraced guidance.

There is no contradiction between walking the spiritual path and seeking psychological support. In fact, they often work beautifully together. Reaching out to a therapist doesn’t mean you’re broken or weak. It means you’re ready to understand your suffering better and live with more awareness and freedom.

Taking the First Step: How to Reach Out

If you’re thinking about speaking to a professional, here’s a simple yet thoughtful template that can be tweaked for your specific context.

Dear [Therapist’s Name],

I recently came across your profile on the [clinic name] website and would like to enquire about therapy.

For context, I’m a [man/woman] in my twenties/thirties based in Singapore, seeking support primarily for managing work and general life stress.

Could you kindly help with a few practical queries?

Do you offer therapy sessions during weekends or weekday evenings?
What are your current fees?
Is there a convenient appointment booking system (like automated online scheduling), or should I book manually via text or email?
Typically, what’s the wait time for appointments?
Where do sessions usually take place?
Does your clinic participate in the NEHR?

Thank you very much—I look forward to your reply.

Warm regards,
[Your Name]

A Journey Guided by Compassion

Lastly, always remember: a good therapist, like a lighthouse, guides without judgment, shining a clear path through rough waters. By choosing to seek help, you’re recognising your journey towards wisdom and compassion, benefiting not only yourself but all around you.

May your path be filled with insight, peace, and true well-being.

Speaking of the ocean where we first started off, Ayya Khema shares the following: “The Buddha said his teaching was like the ocean. When we approach it from the shore, it is shallow at first. We can just wet our feet. As we go into it deeper and deeper we are eventually engulfed and finally totally swallowed by it.

Just so is the teaching. We start out just wetting our big toe to see what the temperature is. Maybe trying meditation for half a day, then two days, until we finally have the courage to come to a ten-day meditation course and sit through all of it. We learn the teaching little by little until eventually our whole life is dominated by it.”

May you grow in blessings.

Wise Steps

Realise that there is calm to be reached, deep down, past the turmoil and worry
Remember that spiritual friendship is half of the spiritual life, that companionship and company is wholesome and healthy
Have the humility and awareness to recognise therapy as rapid and helpful triage, that can be aided in long-term by our spiritual practice.

Screaming Wisdom: Lessons from a Disturbing Sydney Commute

by Ro Kwun | Feb 21, 2025 | Read, Wellbeing

TLDR : An unsettling tram ride sparks a deep reflection on society’s treatment of mental illness and what we can do about it.

Editor’s note: This is an adapted article from Roberta’s blog of reflection and learnings.

The doors of the Sydney City Tram had just closed behind me when I heard the bellowing of an older man at the end of the carriage.

The man was stout, about 1.6m tall and had brown and grey speckled hair. His only belongings- a wheeled fabric shopping trolley.

At first glance, he looked unassuming and could easily have been just a regular rush hour commuter – Except for the fact he was bellowing at a younger man, who stood across from him on this packed tin can.

The poor younger man, probably in his early 30s was tall with clean-cut brown hair. He wore a brown linen blazer, a blue cotton t-shirt and trendy white sneakers. He held onto the straps of his rectangular tech backpack, trying to look down or away from the man.

You’re a bully!

“Why are you coming so close to me!!”, the old man yelled. “You’re a bully! How dare you come so close to me!”. He kept repeating the phrases (and other words that I dare not mention here).

It didn’t take long for us bystanders to realise that the older man lived in some delusional reality where the fellow commuter was an enemy and wanted to harm him. In reality, he had done nothing worthy of the attack from an old man on a tram.

He remained in the firing line for a long 2 minutes, until the tram finally pulled up at the next destination. Thankfully the old man (still pointing his finger and yelling at the young man), would disembark.

The relief

We all breathed a sigh of relief. Anyone could see that there was no calming the man or interjecting the situation without escalating his demeanour and the yelling.

When the doors closed, it felt like the entire carriage experienced a collective sigh of relief and broke into conversation. I’d find out from commuters who were sitting in the carriage before the young man had boarded, that two young girls were in the firing line of the old man earlier.

He had yelled the same claims (“Why are you so close to me! Stay away from me, you bully!”). The young man had been the unlucky recipient and casualty for the entire carriage.

The real victim

The more I heard, the more I realised that the real victim was the old man. Whatever his life experience so far, he was suffering and it was manifesting in screaming fits and strangers.

This moment arose karuna – the Buddhist practice of boundless compassion for all beings, especially those trapped in their own suffering. It breaks through our superficial view of people and sees their suffering underneath their hard exteriors.

Everyone was the enemy. Whatever had led to his mental condition, it was possibly amplified by loneliness and isolation, and as a society, we don’t have the ability or conviction to band together and help.

We sigh breaths of relief when we don’t have to face the presence of mental illness in our cities.

I won’t lie, in that moment, thinking about the gravity of the situation, I lost faith in our society and our ability to help the helpless.

The dominance of self-help and putting the onus on individuals to get better and “cure” themselves seems like a dangerous and ineffective way to treat people who actually need help.

I’m a huge proponent of personal development and honing the tools to enrich your life. However, most of the content is beneficial for the average population not affected by more severe mental conditions.

Not understanding but tolerating

We train doctors, lawyers, teachers, and specialists, and yet as a society we have become so transactional and indifferent to strangers, it often feels like people are simply checking off a box instead of providing genuine treatment plans and following up.

Following our personal convictions has been eclipsed by the idea of following the economic flow. This has led to more of us simply tolerating each other, rather than understanding each other.

How did we become like this and how can we continue the learning and connection well into adulthood and beyond?

Sitting here hours after the incident, I wonder where would this old man go in the evening – did he even have a home or was that wheeled bag carrying his life’s belongings? What had happened in his life, that anyone who came close to him was a “bully” or “trying to fight him”?

What would trigger the man to begin yelling at another fellow commuter at another time on another day? Would he ever get the treatment he needs to live his life without inflicting himself and others conflict and pain?

The young man, who had shown a supernatural level of resilience, made a comment which really stood out to me. “I’ve been hearing about a lot of these outbreaks recently. I can’t help but think it is a spiritual issue.”

The left behinds

A spiritual issue?

I’ve been thinking about this comment a lot this evening. The young man had elaborated to explain to the few of us remaining on the tram, that he believes there is a correlation with the polarisation from technology, isolation from covid, as well as the breakdown of religion in our society, which leave behind individuals who are isolated and traumatised.

They are relegated to cope with their traumas alone. He believed that the old man was dealing with personal demons in the best way he knew how. To fight with anyone who he saw as a threat or an oppressor to him personally – and clearly it did not take a lot for him to get triggered.

I’m well aware, that thinking about all of this well after the event, not having done anything in the moment is hypocritical. What am I doing to help the situation of helping create positive societal glue? How are we moving forward with the people who are so left behind and don’t have the resources or the networks to help them?

I think we need to be more compassionate about curious about each other.

I will do better, but we all need to do better too.

Wise Steps:

Practice mindful observation: Notice without judgment the behaviors and struggles of those around you.
Cultivate compassion: Recognize that everyone, even those who seem difficult, is fighting their own battles.

Sharing Brings Representation: A Monk’s Panic Attack

by @missrachelreads | Sep 18, 2024 | Emotional-mastery, Read, Wellbeing

TLDR: It is important to speak up about taboo topics such as mental health conditions as representation is important. Rachel shares about how she resonated with Mingyur Rinpoche when he spoke about his own panic attacks.

A monk and his panic attacks

One of the most impactful monastic sharing took place during the second day of the 12th Global Conference on Buddhism. It was a conference that brought together Buddhist speakers and participants from across the world, that took place on the 16th and 17th December 2023.

It was there when I heard Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, who was born in Nepal, share about his panic attacks.

I have never before heard any person who was ordained share about their mental health problems in my 5 years of venturing into Buddhism, so it was particularly striking to me when he put out his moment of vulnerability on stage.

He opened his dhamma talk by sharing about how he learnt meditation from his father at the age of 9. The reason was due to his panic attacks.

Apparently, since the age of 7, he had been experiencing panic attacks, even though he didn’t know that was what they were called. He just had severe heart palpitations and went to see a whole host of doctors, all of them telling him he was alright.

“They are not good doctors!” he incredulously proclaimed, to the laughter of the entire hall.

He continually felt like he was having a heart attack, and one day, he went to the big city hospital in Kathmandu, the best in town, and the best doctor in town also told him that his heart was working perfectly fine.

“He was not a good doctor too!” he continued, to much mirth in the audience.

Finally, his mother figured out that he had a problem, and told him to get his father, himself a well-respected Buddhist teacher, to teach him how to meditate in an attempt to help with the panic attacks..

The very next day, he was surprised to find that his father approached him instead, (turns out his mom had encouraged his father to do so), and there began his journey in meditation.

Me and my panic attacks

I resonated with this story by Yongey Mingur Rinpoche because as a person who’s suffered from panic attacks after her breakup with her first girlfriend at the age of 31, I too kept going to the doctors at the various Accident and Emergency (A&E) units.

Both times they did an electrocardiogram (ECG), a simple and fast test to evaluate the functioning of the heart, and declared that I was alright and was not suffering from a cardiac arrest.

I unfortunately could not access Xanax (a fast-acting, potent tranquilliser that is a medication used to treat panic attacks and anxiety disorders) through A&E but got some from my psychiatrist later.

I felt helpless and hopeless in the face of my panic attacks.

Xanax was supposed to help with the immediate relief of symptoms of panic attacks and allows the patient to have feelings of calmness as it calms the body’s overactivity in a short span of time.

However, because the patient can develop an addiction to it, psychiatrists often only give the bare minimum before the next consultation.

The panic attacks always came unannounced and unanticipated. I would be in the middle of the work day and then would experience a sudden burst of heart palpitations and shortness of breath, and find myself unable to continue with the rest of the work day. It was debilitating and embarrassing.

After repeated visits to the psychiatrist, paired with skilled psychotherapy from a skilled therapist, together with time, my panic attacks eventually receded.

Unhelpful mental health advice

Once during a Dhamma sharing, a layperson told me to meditate when I have panic attacks instead of taking Xanax. Unfortunately, that was something I had tried to do but failed. I have been unable to sit down and be still in the middle of overwhelming anxiety.

I felt unable to articulate how I felt in the middle of this session, and felt as if I wasn’t being listened to. As my anxiety levels continued to rise when she continued dispensing advice, I decided to clam up about my experience.

It might seem counterintuitive to say, but dear reader, I was a beginner just stepping into Buddhism when the layperson gave me that advice to meditate when my heart was racing.

It was impossible then on a physical, psychological and spiritual level.

The reason is simple – I was not ready.

It took a long time for my body and my mind to settle—years in fact.

It took multiple sessions of therapy with trained and licensed therapists to help with the underlying issues that lay at the root of these panic attacks.

I am also grateful to my spiritual friendships created in the Medical Dhamma Circle where we met weekly for Dhamma sharings and conducted mini-meditation sessions of 5 minutes to 20 minutes in a safe space held by medical professionals.

This was helpful for me to learn that meditation did indeed reduce my general anxiety levels, and I began to incorporate it into my daily life using the Headspace app at first, and when that got too expensive, with a free app that Venerable Jue Wei developed and introduced to me.

One’s daily practice is important, because when it comes to the difficult times, that is precisely when the effects kick in.

It was really gratifying to hear from a dear Dhamma sister, who is trained as a nurse, when she shared that it made sense to not be able to meditate when one is highly distressed. I had, after all, tried to and failed.

It made an even bigger impact when Rinpoche shared that on stage.

Today, I no longer need Xanax, and like him, meditation has helped tremendously over the past 5 years of practising.

It may sound like a contradiction, but I suppose one has to have a stable physiology, with neither a racing heart nor a racing mind to be able to meditate. Xanax helped curb my panic attacks and gave me the clarity of mind to attend meditation classes.

A constant daily dose of a mood stabiliser, till this day, has ensured that my mind is calm and stable. Meditation is an additional layer that provides a constant grounding throughout my day, as my mental constitution is quieter and calmer. Both meditation and medication go hand-in-hand for me, and I am thankful for both.

But I can see the dilemma for the beginner meditator who is given advice contrary to standard medical advice as there is a huge resistance in spiritual communities sometimes toward external methods of calming the mind.

I am not sure how it works for others, but pairing both medication and meditation is what has worked for me.

Therefore, I realised that representation is so important. And talking openly about issues surrounding mental health-related conditions, especially when one is diagnosed, is so important.

The importance of representation

Earlier in a 1-day retreat led by Venerable Damcho, I made some new friends and was sharing with a Dhamma sister that I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for the past 13 years. I was just chatting about the memoir I wrote to help people navigate the mental health landscape in Singapore, when the most surprising thing happened.

She too shared about her condition.

I have come to observe over the years that it is vital to have ordinary people share their ordinary stories about their “taboo” conditions because that is precisely what gives people hope. And that’s exactly why I wrote my memoir.

In my earlier days as a member of a different religious group, I was told that one’s faith would make you well. “Go out and get some sunshine,” a religious leader once admonished. “Pray and believe,” he continued.

While I have no doubt that great faith can heal a person, sometimes it makes sense that medicine can be useful too.

In my half a decade attending weekly Dhamma talks and meditation lessons, it was only after hundreds of sessions before I encountered Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche’s sharing on panic attacks. With my Dhamma sister who had a similar mental health condition, I realised too, that because people in religious circles shy away from talking about this, that representation is truly very important.

Speaking up can help another feel less alone, whether you are the speaker of a dhamma talk, or just sharing your journey with a spiritual friend over a meal after a meditation class.

Similarly, today, even with a regular meditation practice. I am still medically compliant, taking one mood stabiliser every night as prescribed by my psychiatrist for my mood disorder.

I believe that science and faith can work well hand in hand.

We don’t have to choose one or the other, and doing so can unfortunately be very harmful to an individual who is diagnosed with mental health conditions.

Conclusion

I would like to thank Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche for his open and honest sharing. And I hope that going forward, more people will be brave enough to share their otherwise “taboo” stories in an effort to dispel stigma and also to give hope and light to those around them.

Peace.

Self-Care’s Dark Side: How Vesak Day reminds us about real Self-Care

by Rong Hui | May 22, 2024 | Festivals and Observance days, Read, Vesak day, Wellbeing

Explore the concept of self-care through the lens of Buddhism and discover a more meaningful approach to well-being.

Imagine that you have finished a hard, long day taking care of your daily responsibilities at work or at home. You have dinner, take a shower, and finally slump onto the couch. You want to relax and have some time for self-care. What to do next?

Chances are that we will instinctively grab the TV remote to catch some Netflix, play a cool computer game, or even grab a book off the shelf and curl under the covers with a nice cup of tea, letting our mind wander off into a new realm.

But is this brand of self-care really helpful?

The Birth of Self-Care

The term ‘self-care’ only entered the popular lexicon with force a few years ago, spurred by the increasing awareness of pandemic-induced burnout and mental fatigue.

The original intent of the self-care movement was mainly about adopting healthier habits such as eating healthy, exercising and sleeping well.

However, it gradually blurred a little with self-indulgence helped in part by companies eager to promote their products as being conducive to mental and physical well-being. People started having and proclaiming their self-care routines on social media and credited their enhanced mental well-being to these new activities.

While these activities definitely have their place in our lives, do they truly have any lasting effects on us?

Re-thinking Self Care with the Vesak Lens

On the occasion of this Vesak, perhaps it is time that we re-think the concept of self-care upon the invitation of the Buddha. In a modern interpretation of his teachings, we could say that the fundamental teaching of the Buddha is inherently connected to self-care.

However, this form of self-care isn’t selfish at all; rather, it offers a wonderful feeling of freedom with every step. How then can truly start caring about our well-being?

Correcting our view of what is truly important

“I have arrived, I am home. In the here, in the now. I am solid, I am free.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

Believe it or not, most of us do not have a good idea of how our body and mind work. Many of us are so used to treating ourselves as machines, trying to make ourselves become more efficient and well-utilised so that we can “get more out of our day”.

We think anything that helps us to “produce more” is self-care. If only we had more energy, we could take on extra side projects, spend more time with our kids, or exercise more.

The list never ends! Our deep-seated need to keep reaching out for more leaves us feeling unfulfilled and unhappy. But why exactly do we keep wanting more when we already have plenty?

My answer is that we are brought up in a society governed by a constant sense of lack, not being good enough, and needing more.

We are always chasing the end of the rainbow without realising that this is not just a figure of speech but our actual reality!

It took immense courage and wisdom for the Buddha to see that society’s way of chasing the next thing was not the right path, and to take a chance on doing the exact opposite: stopping the desire for anything at all.

Instead of chasing the next goal relentlessly, however misguided it may be, we can consider not acting on every impulse to chase after the next shiny thing that catches our eye.

Staying right here, right now, no matter what

“When you want something more, you can’t enjoy what you already have.” – Ajahn Brahm

Ajahn Brahm often recounts the story of five children playing a wishing game, where the winner would be the one who made the best wish. The first kid says, “I want 10 computer games!” and thinks he is very smart.

However, the second kid beats this easily saying, “I want a computer game shop so I can have endless computer games!”. This is easily beaten again by the third kid who now wants $1 billion to buy a chain of computer game shops. In turn, the fourth kid easily surpasses this by wishing for 3 wishes, and that he can always wish for something more with his last wish. Beat that!

Now, the last kid, who has been observing this, says something unimaginable to the other kids: “I wish I were so content that I do not need any more wishes.”

In the traditional telling of this story, the fifth kid emerges as the winner of the wishing game, and he was actually the Buddha in one of his previous lives.

The kid had the wisdom to see that constantly desiring and shifting focus away from what one already has towards what one lacks is the root cause of unhappiness. To break free from unhappiness, one simply had to drop this tendency to look beyond oneself.

It sounds simple, but it actually represents one of the most important spiritual insights one can attain, signifying a radical shift from the way we have been operating for a long time.

It is with this realisation that we can now begin to imagine a future where we aren’t constantly buffeted by a nagging sense of insecurity, that somehow we need to do and achieve more to be accepted or to be loved.

All we need to do is to say “no” to our habits of wanting more, doing more, and simply recognising: “I have enough, I don’t need more to be happy.”

Imagine that since you were born, you’ve been constantly harassed by a prison guard who is unhappy whenever you attempt to rest and keeps whipping you as your head is about to touch the pillow.

But now, you finally found a way to keep the prison guard away from your room and your head finally hits the pillow. You finally have a good night’s sleep.

Re-setting our priorities

“Where does peace arise? Peace arises whenever we let something go.” – Ajahn Chah

I cannot stress enough how important it is that everyone tries to at least understand how this feels like. The power of letting be and not indulging our instincts to push and pull surpasses the pleasure born of any previous sensory delight or experience one might have had.

It cuts to the root of our unhappiness and directly undermines the power of the prison guard who does not allow us to experience any true joy. When we experience this very different, and much deeper sort of joy and peace, we would realise that what we experienced before was somehow lacking – they simply cannot compare.

It is like a person who’s only ever tasted apple-flavoured sweets, thinking that he knows the taste of apple, until he bites into an actual apple and finds out that the real apple has a far superior taste.

Such an experience is the proverbial snowball that starts the avalanche of learning how to repeat this joy of being kind and letting things be.

The good news is that developing such joy and peace is a skill that can be learned and cultivated. We can start small, with a genuine aspiration this Vesak Day, to learn more about this type of true peace, and begin seeking out other friends who understand this.

By hanging out more with them and seeing more examples of how others have embarked on their respective journeys towards true peace and self-care, we can start to make similar changes to our lives.

We can begin with a simple reminder to ourselves every morning: running away from ourselves and grasping onto things does not bring happiness while letting go brings peace and joy.

If we find time during the day for 5 or 10 minutes, we can sit and observe our heart, and end by reaffirming our commitment to experiencing letting go.

And when we see opportunities in daily life to let go a little, such as giving someone our time without asking for anything in return, or stepping aside so someone can go first, pursue those opportunities – they will bring you happiness and joy.

And sooner or later, we will discover that peace and happiness have become constant companions on our journey of life. Happy Vesak to everyone!

Wise steps:

Take a moment to evaluate if your self-care activities are truly beneficial in the long run.
Instead of constantly seeking new experiences, appreciate the present moment and find joy in simple things.
Connect with others who share similar values and seek support in your journey towards true self-care.

Ep 35: Altered States: A Drug Addict’s Journey to Dhamma

by Handful of Leaves | Oct 4, 2023 | Podcast

Transcript

[00:00:00] Cheryl:

Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast. My name is Cheryl, and today we are back with another episode. I am here with Alvin, a friend who has experienced and struggled with drug addictions in the past. He’s here today to share a little bit more about his learnings, and his journey. He wanted to give back to society after seeing how the Dhamma really helped him in his journey.

[00:00:27] Alvin:

Hi, Cheryl. Hi, guys.

[00:00:29] Cheryl:

I’m very curious about how you started getting into drugs.

[00:00:34] Alvin:

So, an ex-friend actually introduced me to drugs. When we were in primary school, they told us to stay away from drugs, right? They told us we’d get hooked easily. I guess at that point, I was just curious. Oh, is it really true that a few puffs will really get us hooked? So I went ahead and tried it, which is a very bad idea.

[00:00:51] Cheryl:

Right. Curiosity killed the cat, but in this case, curiosity got you hooked. I see. And what happened after that?

[00:00:59] Alvin:

Your work, your health, your relationships friends, actually everything got affected. Because almost every moment I was thinking about drugs. In a way, deep down a part of me also feels guilty. I know this is wrong but, I just can’t help it. The addiction basically just takes over. To be honest, I broke all the precepts except for the first one, the killing of another human being.

Because I was using crystal meth, the whole time I was feeling like I was no different from an animal or maybe a ghost? Basically, I was always craving for drugs. It increases your sexual desire, you are impulsive, and you have frequent mood swings. Because I have a bit of anxiety, it actually increases the anxiety attacks.

[00:01:44] Cheryl:

I see. What was the turning point to get out of your addiction?

[00:01:48] Alvin:

I mean, I feel like I’m a being from the lower realm. When I look at my friends, I basically feel that something is actually wrong with me and I need to change. That is when I started to do my own research on the Dhamma and modern psychology to help myself get out of the addiction. Basically, abusers will glorify the highs you can get from the substance, and they don’t look at the negative effects on your mind and body.

I watched videos on human anatomy created by healthcare professionals, to watch what it does to your organs, your brain, everything. In that process, I listened to Dhamma teachings. I make the effort to go for meditation, sign up for retreats, speak to Bhantes, and share my problems with them. Going through all these Dhamma activities, I also made Dhamma friends. I also share my problems with them. All of them gave me advice and helped me.

And because of meditation, I looked inwards, and I realized that being in addiction, my behaviour, my thinking, everything was distorted. It’s really like beings from a lower realm. I must just keep making the effort to replace negative habits with refined habits and negative thoughts with refined thoughts.

[00:03:00] Cheryl:

That is actually very similar to what the Buddha said of Right Effort and Right Intention. The Buddha shared that essentially when you have wholesome, skillful states of mind, you make the effort to make it more abundant. If it has not yet arisen, you also plant the seeds so that it will arise. Then on the other side if it’s unwholesome things, if it has not arisen, you try to make sure that it doesn’t arise. But if it has already arisen, you make the effort to cut it, abandon it, and don’t indulge too much in it. That sounded very similar to what you shared as well.

Just in reference to what you said about feeling like a being from the hungry ghost realm, I think it’s a perfect simile because they are usually depicted as creatures with scrawny necks, and small mouths, and their limbs are very thin and very emaciated. At the same time, they have very large, bloated, empty bellies. In the domain of addiction, when we constantly seek something outside ourselves to curb that insatiable yearning for happiness, relief, or fulfillment, we will always feel empty inside because these substances, these objects, these pursuits, we hope that it will help us to be happy, but it will never give us the happiness that we need. And we will haunt our lives without ever being fully present.

[00:04:27] Alvin:

Like beings of the lower realm, there’s no way we can create merits because our views are distorted. Even though we think that we are doing something virtuous, actually it’s not.

[00:04:37] Cheryl:

Can you share an example?

[00:04:38] Alvin:

I have a friend who introduced me to drugs. After every session, he will share some so-called TCM with fellow drug users to help them to relieve the symptoms. He thinks that he is actually doing something virtuous to help people, but actually, he’s not.

You can’t blame him, but indirectly he’s actually giving people the wrong idea that you can actually remove the toxins from drugs using TCM after you use them. But they didn’t know actually crystal meth affects your brain immediately when you take them. So what he’s doing is actually relieving the symptoms after the drugs which actually doesn’t help to remove the damage to the brain.

[00:05:13] Cheryl:

Interesting. So he himself probably has that wrong belief as well, that it’s the right thing. And he goes on to perpetuate that. And I think that is the danger of not having Right View, right? When you don’t have Right View, you firmly believe that what you’re doing is actually going to give you happiness and you follow it. The result of that is obviously suffering to yourself and suffering to others as well. These are very painful consequences. Were there any relapses in your journey to recovery?

[00:05:44] Alvin:

If let’s say after you stopped using for three months, you suddenly go and take a puff, it’s considered a lapse and not a relapse. A lapse is just a slip. I have a few lapses here and there. If I remember it’s around maybe three. After every lapse, I will feel extremely guilty. Oh no, I actually took a puff. I’m such a terrible person. I thought I made the motivation to stay clean. How could I do something like that? After feeling guilty, I have to maybe look back and see what causes the slip. Is there anything I missed out? Maybe some context I didn’t delete or maybe the triggers. So after every lapse, if you make the effort to learn from it, it will prevent the next lapse from happening. It’s basically like riding a bicycle. If you fall, you get up and then you continue riding. If you fall and you just give up, then you won’t be able to ride a bicycle.

[00:06:33] Cheryl:

But what gave you the motivation to come back up again? It’s so tiring, right? You are literally fighting a battle that is very hard to win because it has already affected your neural connections. So what gave you that strong drive?

[00:06:46] Alvin:

I relate to beings of the lower realm, right? If I don’t want to get out of the addiction, I’ll always be a being of a lower realm. I’ll always be stuck there and the worst thing is in this life and in my future life. So yeah, that gave me the motivation. Also because I did some meditation, I have to be mindful that actually I’m fighting the defilements. It’s the defilement that keeps pulling me back. I stick a note on my wall to remind myself that thoughts are thoughts, memories are memories. Just come back to your breath. So whenever thoughts try to trigger me to pick up the substance. I just remind myself that, that’s not me. That’s just my past habit. So after a while, usually after a few minutes, the thought will go away. So you just have to keep fighting it.

[00:07:32] Cheryl:

You have to endure it within the few minutes when it comes on strongly. Alvin, I must really say that I really admire how much wisdom you have. This wisdom of seeing things clearly in the sense of seeing the drawbacks of being in this lower realm. First, you compare yourself with your friends, you’re lagging behind because of this addiction. Second, realizing the drawbacks of how rare this human birth is, but at the same time being stuck in the lower realm, traps you into not being able to do any goodness, any merits. With that wisdom, that really pushes you through all the difficulties, even though there were lapses in your process of learning how to ride the bike.

The Buddha shared the second of the Eightfold Path, which is the idea of Right Intention. Being firm on this idea of renunciation, letting go of ill-will, keeping yourself in goodwill, keeping yourselves in loving kindness. Being firm and resolved on the idea of harmlessness to yourself as well as harmlessness to other people. This is called right resolve or right intention in which you set your mind firmly to move on into more wholesome activities, more wholesome bodily actions as well.

[00:08:50] Alvin:

I’d also like to add that every time I go for Dhamma activities, the Bhante or the Luang Por will make us retake the Five Precepts. So every time I retake the five precepts, it reinforces the motivation to stay away from all these substances. Every time I go to these Dhamma events, I see my Dhamma friends there. I shared with them my addiction and they are like my safety net. So every time I meet up with them, they will ask me, how are you? Indirectly, they will check in on me. I also made promises to Ajahn and Luang Por. Every time they see me, they’ll also ask me. It gives you the additional protection. It’s quite helpful. Maybe those who are actually struggling with addiction can apply it to themselves.

[00:09:29] Cheryl:

Thank you so much for sharing. You’re very, very lucky to have this supportive community of spiritual friends and more importantly, spiritual teachers that you respect. When you make aspirations in front of people that you respect highly, I think you’ll take that more seriously as well. Your defilements will be a bit scared of it as well. And what are the biggest changes in your Dhamma practice in these two and a half years?

[00:09:55] Alvin:

I will say that my mindfulness has increased. I have more opportunities to create merits, go on retreat, and do things that truly benefit myself and other sentient beings. It’s a big gain. I will use a simile right now, I feel like I’m a human being. And I’d kind of go further into maybe Deva?

[00:10:13] Cheryl:

For all our listeners who have not heard of this term, Deva usually refers to the higher beings. It could be something like deities, angels, or beings of the higher realm that are in a way superior to the human realm. And I guess that is also the path, right? In a way, we start off as puthujjanas, which means that we are not really wise, we break the precepts, and we are a bit heedless here and there. And then as we do more goodness, we start to practice generosity, then that’s where we become kalyanajanas, meaning good people or good beings. Then as we continue on the path and practice, cultivate, and purify our minds, hopefully, we can be Ariya-puggalas, which basically refers to noble beings where our minds are purified as far as possible from the grasping of greed, hatred, and delusions. And Alvin, I just wonder, are you happy now?

[00:11:10] Alvin:

Basically, in the past, every weekend, long weekend was the time when I met my friends for drugs. But right now, I have the time to listen to teachings and really spend time with my loved ones. I feel that really benefits myself and other sentient beings. The happiness is different from the happiness you get from drugs. Drug-induced pleasure is basically short-lived, just for that few hours you feel good, but after that when the effect wears off, everything starts crashing down. Whereas the happiness I feel from creating merits, listening to teachings could last for up to a few days. So every time I do something good on Sunday, I listen to a teaching, and attend Dhamma activities, every time I recollect that memory, it actually brings out happiness.

[00:11:51] Cheryl:

It’s actually referring to merit arising. It’s the idea that when you perform meritorious deeds, you can constantly recollect to bring up joy in your mind as well. You can also recollect your merits in times of sadness or depression. You remember the good that you did and that joy can continue to sustain you. And this kind of joy is very different from the pleasures of drugs or even the pleasures of shopping. You go and shop or you’re going to eat good food after a while you’re like, I’m hungry again. I need the newest bag. I need another car. It’s unsustainable.

It’s very interesting because a lot of people don’t understand that this kind of craving is not sustainable and if you just look into material society, everyone is running around for the bigger paycheck, the next big thing to buy, the next thing to own. “Encircled by craving, people just hop around and around like a rabbit caught in a snare. Tied with all these fetters, all this attachment, you go on to suffer again and again for a long, long time.” (Dhammapada 342) And this is actually in one of the Suttas as well. Then the Buddha says, don’t be like that rabbit. “Anyone on the path should dispel that craving and should aspire to dispassion for this endless craving for oneself”. (Dhammapada 343)

What Buddhist teachings inspire you the most these days?

[00:13:17] Alvin:

I’d say the Four Noble Truths. From my own experience, I find the suffering of being addicted actually gives me the motivation to seek a path out of that suffering. In the process, when you look inward, you realize that the problem is not from the outside, but from the inside. So once we are able to fulfill our internal needs by looking inward and also relating to our own experience, then we realize that actually, the pleasures of the material world can only give us temporary happiness. It isn’t sustainable. Nowadays, I find that doing my meditation, it’s actually able to give me that happiness that material pleasures can’t fulfill.

[00:13:56] Cheryl:

I’m wondering what was it that you were craving that you hoped drugs were able to give you.

[00:14:03] Alvin:

It was the loneliness inside and also trying to find the quick and easy way out to fulfill the internal needs. Unfortunately, it could only make things worse.

[00:14:16] Cheryl:

Yeah, unfortunately, it just worsens and perpetuates your suffering, the very suffering that you wanted to run away from initially. Wow. That’s powerful. I’m very glad, that you also have the right conditions to go back to the Buddhist teachings. A lot of people, once they go into drugs as strong as crystal meth, it’s a one-way road down to deterioration and you’re able to still turn back.

[00:14:40] Alvin:

Yeah. Basically, that is also what I told myself because I keep asking myself, I have the condition, my life is actually good, and I don’t have any problems with my family, or my friends at work. Why am I doing this to destroy my own life? This gives me the motivation to want to stop the addiction. If you don’t have any meditation background, you can look for a teacher and learn meditation. When you start looking inward, you realize that we have the choice to change our future. So it’s actually really up to us. We can’t rely on external things to make us feel better.

[00:15:14] Cheryl:

You have to only rely on your own efforts, to persevere through and then you’re able to find inner happiness, but we’re also very lucky at the same time that we have the Buddha who taught the Dhamma and have a wonderful community of Sangha to show us how to practice well this path so that we only have to put in the effort to go through this practice.

And as you wrap up that chapter of your life, there were definitely some things that you have remorse for. How do you deal with that remorse and regrets of the past, the people that you’ve hurt, and perhaps even your loved ones?

[00:16:00] Alvin:

I just use the simile, it’s something that I did in my so-called past life. I can’t go back and change the past, but what I can do is I can change the present. So I just do well right now and I can create a better future for myself and the people around me.

[00:16:17] Cheryl:

Just focusing on the present. With the faith that what you’re doing in the present is good, the future will ripen with good seeds as well. In the Buddha’s time, there was this serial murderer, Angulimala who killed 99 people to get their fingers. Then the last one he wanted to kill was his mother. But the Buddha, out of his compassion, saw that Angulimala was going to do a very, very big offense. So he went there to try to stop Angulimala and Angulimala wanted to kill the Buddha instead. He’s like, huh? Okay. I don’t kill my mother. I kill the Buddha. But then of course the Buddha cannot be killed. So using his psychic powers he kind of floated away while Angulimala was trying to chase after him. Then after a while, Angulimala got really tired and he was like, Stop running, Buddha, please. I’m tired. Then the Buddha said, Oh, I have stopped for a long time.

In that passage, what he’s referring to is actually not about the running, it’s about the craving. He has stopped all these cravings for a very, very long time. Then of course, with the Buddha’s amazing ability to teach the Dhamma according to everyone’s conditionings, Angulimala became one of the Buddha’s disciples and eventually became an Arahant as well. He even made the blessing chant that after becoming the Buddha’s disciple, I had not killed anybody before. By the power of that truth, may this protect anyone who’s going through difficulties in giving birth or in labor. So it speaks to the potential of all of us regardless of what bad deeds we’ve done or whatever foolishness that we have committed in our past that there is hope to change ourselves as long as we put in the effort. As long as we are able to find the Dhamma which corrects our Right View and to walk on diligently, then we can attain to the Path.

And I guess addiction, there’s a lot of forms, right? Eating disorders, sexual addiction, porn, even video games, gambling, social media. What advice would you give to someone who is struggling with any form of addiction?

[00:18:30] Alvin:

I came across this quote that actually motivates me. Addiction is the only prison in the world where one holds the key. For someone who is in deep addiction, who wants to get out they might feel a bit helpless, it’s like, what do you mean I hold the key? It’s very difficult for me right now. Yeah. So actually I would encourage people to just get professional help if they really need it. It’s okay, it takes courage to admit that you have a problem. Get help if you really need it.

[00:18:56] Cheryl:

And I find it very interesting because, in your own journey of recovery, you actually didn’t seek professional help, right? You were kind of DIY, do it yourself. So it’s interesting that you gave the advice that it’s okay to look for help. Why do you give this advice?

[00:19:13] Alvin:

Although I didn’t get professional help, I did talk to Ajahn. It took me quite a while to get out of that remorse state. We can expect everybody to use the Dhamma to help them. Some people might need professional help. So there’s no one-size-fits-all method for everybody.

[00:19:29] Cheryl:

You have to find what is suitable for you at that point in time. And at different times, you will require different things as well. Yes. You were saying it took you quite a while to get out of that remorse state. But eventually, in retrospect, what you realize is that… There’s no point in clinging to the past and the present and the future is more important. Okay. What was the turning point, which gave you that aha moment?

[00:19:58] Alvin:

I heard this teaching from Luang Por. Every time we recollect something virtuous, it’s like we are doing that virtuous action again. Similarly, if we keep thinking about the negative things we do, we are actually indirectly doing that negative action again. So I have to tell myself whatever is done is done, just move on. If I really want to benefit myself and all sentient beings, I have to move on.

[00:20:21] Cheryl:

That is very powerful. I really love that. Thanks for sharing. Amazing. Is there any last thing that you want to share from your experience with struggling with drug addiction?

[00:20:32] Alvin:

There’s this method which I find quite helpful. Perhaps you can use something of higher value to overcome the addiction. So something that fits your principles and your personal values. In the past, I’ve always wanted to be a fitness instructor. So actually I also make use of fitness, like going to the gym, taking out new sports to overcome the addiction, and using that drive to help me get out of the addiction and also to pursue my dreams.

[00:20:59] Cheryl:

What if someone doesn’t have any other value and the value is just seeking happiness? Drugs give me the highest happiness, they can say.

[00:21:07] Alvin:

It’s still a form of wanting to seek happiness. To me, it’s still a value. You could actually replace that addiction with something positive. Get a friend to help you to try something different, learn a new hobby, et cetera. Then you can compare and contrast. To see that actually, there’s something that could be even a higher form of happiness compared to the substance I’m attached to. Just try to take the first step.

[00:21:31] Cheryl:

Yes. The first step might sound extremely scary, and difficult. But always know that there are alternatives to the drugs that you’re taking which harm your body in very severe ways and there are other ways to obtain happiness that actually continues to contribute to your long-term happiness as well. That could be a better option as well. And I’m actually very curious. You say that you have already cut off the friends who did drugs with you, I guess the dealer as well. Have you forgiven them?

[00:22:04] Alvin:

To be frank, for a period of time, I was blaming them. But I realized that actually I also have a part to play. So just see everything as due to causes and conditions. So just move on. Cause if you keep dwelling, having anger towards them, then you’re actually still trapping yourself in the past. Just have compassion for them as well, because they don’t have the Right View. They don’t have the merits to encounter the Buddha’s teaching. That’s why they are actually doing something that they think is right, but actually it’s wrong. In the future, they have to bear the consequences of their actions as well. So they deserve compassion and empathy more than anger.

[00:22:43] Cheryl:

That’s very wise words as well, because at the end of the day, no matter how people manifest in their actions, no matter how evil, how selfish, or how unpleasant it is, everyone is really just seeking happiness in the ways that they know how. It’s unfortunate that people sometimes seek this happiness through ways that cause them more harm because Kamma is the action and intention and the results of this action and intention will always be by your side. You will always be related to this Kamma. You always be associated with this Kamma. You always be with this Kamma. Whether it’s good or bad, you have to bear its results. So in a way, you’re right, they deserve compassion a lot more than they deserve anger. It’s very, very wise of you and very compassionate of you to be able to notice that, and I rejoice with your wisdom.

We’ve come to the end of this episode. Thank you so much for sharing on a topic that not many have experienced, but yet also relating to. I guess that’s the humanness of all of us, the suffering that all of us share together in wanting to be happy, and trying to find the best ways to be happy as well.

To our listeners, I hope you’ve learned a thing or two and you’re able to apply some of these gems of wisdom and compassion in your own lives. If you enjoyed this episode, please give us a five-star rating on Spotify and share this with your friends. Until the next episode, stay happy and wise.

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Editor and transcriber of this episode: Cheryl Cheah, Susara Ng, Ke Hui Tee

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