In this episode of the Handful of Leaves Podcast, Cheryl speaks with Emma Slade (Ani Pema Deki), a former London investment banker who became a Buddhist nun after a life-changing experience. Together, they explore the tension between modern busyness and spiritual practice, unpacking what happiness, bliss, and resilience truly mean. Emma reflects on Bhutanese attitudes toward life, the challenges lay practitioners face, and the importance of widening our hearts beyond self-interest. She also shares her personal story of faith, karma, and the powerful connection to her teacher that solidified her decision to ordain.
This conversation challenges common assumptions about happiness and invites listeners to reconsider how faith, kindness, and perspective can transform life into a path of genuine freedom.
About the Speaker
👤 Lopen Ani Pema Deki (Emma Slade) was born in Kent, and was educated at Cambridge University and the University of London where she gained a First Class degree. She is a qualified Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA) and worked in Fund Management in London, New York, and Hong Kong.
A deep seated desire to enquire into the deeper aspects of humanity arise following a life- changing business trip to Jakarta, where she was held hostage at gunpoint. She resigned from her financial career and began exploring yoga and meditation and methods of wellbeing with the ultimate aim of turning a traumatic episode into wisdom and conditions for thriving.
She qualified as a British Wheel of Yoga teacher in 2003 and, over the last 19 years, has run numerous yoga workshops and retreats. Her interest in Buddhism as a science of the mind strengthened after meeting a Buddhist Lama (teacher) on her first visit to Bhutan in 2011. This crucial chance meeting led to her studying Buddhism with this Lama and, eventually, led to her becoming the first and only Western woman to be ordained in the Himalayan Kingdom of Bhutan as a Buddhist nun.
Key Takeaways
True Happiness vs. Samsaric Comfort
Emma Slade emphasizes that happiness rooted in worldly comfort is fragile, while liberation from suffering is the only path to lasting peace.
Small Acts, Big Shifts
Even in a busy modern life, small gestures of kindness and widening one’s perspective can cultivate resilience, compassion, and deeper joy.
The Role of Faith and Karma
Emma’s journey from investment banker to Buddhist nun shows how powerful moments of faith and the unfolding of karma can radically redirect one’s life path.
Transcript
Full Transcript
[00:00:00] Emma Slade: Are we seeking to be comfortable in samsara? Are we seeking to get comfortable with the reality of suffering? Or are we seeking to liberate from it?
[00:00:13] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves Podcast. My name is Cheryl, and today I’m joined by Emma Slade, also known as Ani Pema Deki. She once walked the high stakes world of investment banking in London until a near death experience, when she was held at gunpoint in Jakarta. She decided to leave for the mountains in Bhutan to ordain as a nun.
[00:00:35] Cheryl: she will reveal how opening and widening our heart makes us unbreakable. Let’s begin.
[00:00:43] Emma Slade: 50 years ago, there was just a cup of coffee, right? Now there’s a semi skim latte, hazelnut, vegan, free hazelnut coffee or whatever. It’s really quite an undertaking when worldly life, every day it just gets more fascinating. Anybody who’s sincerely wishing to do some practice while still living a worldly life, while I really admire it.
[00:01:05] Emma Slade: Very sincere Buddhist practitioners or spiritual people, even though they have this incredibly busy worldy life, they still feel pulled to do some spiritual development, but it’s so hard for them to find the balance.
[00:01:19] Emma Slade: Practices, prayers, rituals, whatever they are, they take time. That I think is increasingly, that’s the commodity that nobody has. There’s a bit of a conflict there, how do you really train, become aware of your habits and change them without giving the time to it?
[00:01:37] Emma Slade: We look at the great masters, you look at Milarepa, look at Gampopa, if you read their stories, none of them, none of them it was like this, right?
[00:01:46] Emma Slade: We have to be realistic in terms of it’s likely that what you put in is what you get out in most forms of life.
[00:01:53] Cheryl: But then there’s this big conundrum of lay people wanting to have more happiness in their life, but not having enough time to put in the causes for it. Does that mean that lay people they only have to accept that they would be stuck in suffering?
[00:02:14] Emma Slade: It’s a complicated thing. There’s a lot of conditions that need to come together, right? Not only for lay people, for monastic people too. When we look at the texts, there’s a lot of texts which will say, you can do three hours of prayers, but if in that time you were distracted for two and a half hours, then so there’s also the question of intention.
[00:02:33] Emma Slade: We have to look at our motivation because are we seeking to be comfortable in samsara? Are we seeking to be to get comfortable with the reality of suffering? Or are we seeking to liberate from it? When we use the word happiness, usually people are wanting worldly happiness. Usually they’re looking for some way to make their existence un-painful, and comfortable And that’s not what the Buddha taught really because he said that liberation from suffering is the way to permanent unchanging happiness. And the idea that somehow you can be happy in samsara when it’s unreliable and it’s the truth of suffering. So I think when it comes to this word happiness, we kind of have to look at it quite carefully actually.
[00:03:21] Cheryl: Actually, it’s very interesting that you brought that up because when I was looking through your website, I also noticed that your Buddhist name, Ani Pema Deki, it means blissful lotus.
[00:03:33] Emma Slade: That’s right. Trying for that. These names, they’re always aspirational. So we have to bear that in mind.
[00:03:39] Cheryl: What’s your take on the word “bliss” at this point? And what is one common misunderstanding that society in general have about this word about “bliss” and “happiness”?
[00:03:50] Emma Slade: Oh gosh, that’s a big question. Yeah. So in Vajrayana practice you’ll see the word “joy” and different levels of joy being spoken about. And you will see the word “bliss” and you’ll often see bliss and emptiness that arising together.
[00:04:11] Emma Slade: And now these are mental states naturally arising from the results of Dharma practice. And they’re usually spoken about as the results of increasing experience and increasing realisation, and they are not manufactured.
[00:04:28] Emma Slade: They are seen as something which when the clouds of confusion are removed, then these states will kind of naturally show themselves. There’s something which is not that effortful about them.
[00:04:42] Emma Slade: For experience of joy or bliss to arise, my understanding is that you can’t kind of make that happen. It’s more like when it’s effortless that those feelings arise.
[00:04:54] Emma Slade: When I think back on my life before I was a nun, you have good things happen. But from my small experience, I can’t really equate any kind of experience of joy or bliss from dedicated Dharma practice to those experiences, they seem quite different to me.
[00:05:10] Emma Slade: Because the worldly joy or bliss, just from my perspective now, it looks very manufactured and very temporary because it doesn’t protect you from feeling bad two days later. It changes. It disperses. It’s not very stable.
[00:05:27] Cheryl: Bhutan is known for being the happiest country in the world. What is the difference you notice in people living there and people living in, maybe UK or Hong Kong where you were living at before becoming a nun?
[00:05:41] Emma Slade: Firstly, now that many areas and countries and institutions have been trying to quantify happiness, in some of those studies, Bhutan doesn’t do frighteningly well. The Scandinavian countries appear to be at the top of the list there. You probably know from your life if you think maybe if I asked you on Sunday how happy you were and then I asked you on Thursday how happy you are.
[00:06:06] Emma Slade: You may not have the same number. So I think that there’s lots of questions about how we really quantify this and many of my experiences in Bhutan, I think in some ways they’re not actually captured in the indices. So, for example, in Bhutan, often people are incredibly accepting of challenges and obstacles. They’re very mentally resilient to them, I feel some of those qualities and attitudes that I’ve seen protect people from clinging to difficulty, ruminating on it, continuing to suffer because of it. So I feel like officially Bhutan, is not at the top of the pile of happy countries. But the attitudes that I’ve encountered, the way people support each other, they stick together in times of difficulty.
[00:06:53] Emma Slade: Quite amazing. And of course they have the bedrock of Dhamma, the bedrock of great faith and belief in many lifetimes in rebirth. They don’t have that clinging to this one life, which I think again, is this very helpful attitude for ensuring that we’re less vulnerable to the ups and downs of a worldly life.
[00:07:16] Cheryl: What are one or two things that we could learn that we could apply to become more content, more resilient in our busy lives?
[00:07:25] Emma Slade: Even in a busy life, sometimes it’s only gonna take two minutes to help somebody with their bag, give somebody a smile on the tube. Send a message to somebody is dealing with something difficult. Even in a busy life, you can just stretch a little to be a little bit more thoughtful, a little bit more kind.
[00:07:45] Emma Slade: Try to make your contribution to the world more than just your own existence, right? Even in a busy life. If you have a bit more time, you could do some reflection on what is your motivation. Is your motivation always for yourself? Is it for yourself and a few people? Is it for yourself at a wider circle of people? How narrow is your view of things? Who are you really dedicating your time and your intelligence and your efforts to?
[00:08:14] Emma Slade: And vast happiness will come from connecting to a vast number of beings, whether with your mind or with your activity. So you may be somebody who’s very busy, but you may curiously be in a position where you could help a lot of beings without too much effort because you may be very good in computers or with a network. I think it’s also worth checking how your view of yourself is, and don’t spend too much time ruminating on negative ideas about yourself or others. It’s just a waste of time. It’s a waste of energy.
[00:08:50] Cheryl: I was having a very interesting conversation with a friend and I was sharing that the way to have a meaningful life is to be of benefit to oneself and of benefit to others. Mm-hmm. And she shared with me: “Why bother about anyone outside of your family and loved ones?” And I thought that was a very interesting perspective that many modern people hold. Like, why bother? Why care? Why should we not be selfish?
[00:09:20] Emma Slade: So when you say that, I just imagine a heart that’s very like this, right? And it says, okay, these are the people I’m gonna think about and care about.
[00:09:27] Emma Slade: And all of these ones I’m not gonna bother with. How does that sound as a recipe for living your life?
[00:09:32] Cheryl: Restricted. Even as you’re saying, I’m feeling all the tension.
[00:09:35] Emma Slade: Yeah. And to be honest, in this little thing that we’ve created here where there’s us and maybe five other people, right? What do we know when we look at human existence in the course of a human life? Is it usually the people that are closest to you, the ones you have the biggest arguments with?
[00:09:51] Cheryl and Emma: Yes.
[00:09:52] Emma Slade: Think of the number of people that get divorced. Think a number of people that fall out with their parents or their siblings right? So then what happens? No breadth of connection, which will also support you if this area becomes tricky.
[00:10:04] Emma Slade: So, just in a kind of selfish way, you are hedging your bets a bit more carefully if you it’s like an investment, you don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s easy to stay in your comfort zone, very easy. But from a Buddhist point of view, that’s not the way to enlightenment.
[00:10:23] Emma Slade: Being something like a Bodhisattva, working for the benefit of others is about deliberately beginning to stretch your comfort zone. So your heart and your mind become wider and wider until they have the limitless qualities of love and compassion, etc. That’s what Buddhism offers. To me that’s much more appealing than this, this idea.
[00:10:47] Emma Slade: As humans, we have this incredible mental faculty to make decisions about how we want to live, who we want to help, how we want to contribute or not.
[00:10:57] Emma Slade: These are decisions that worms in the ground and birds in the air don’t really have the choice to make. I mean, that’s the amazing thing about having the opportunity to have a human life, isn’t it?
[00:11:07] Cheryl: And I guess speaking of jolting experiences, I would love to hear from you firsthand, how you became a Buddhist, and I think one word that really caught my attention is the idea of faith, from becoming a Buddhist, to becoming a nun. How did that journey happen?
[00:11:26] Emma Slade: I really wanted to be interested in Buddhism from a very young age, and particularly meditation. I just thought, what is that? That looks intriguing. And so I became a Buddhist.
[00:11:39] Emma Slade: And then obviously when I went to Bhutan for the first time in 2011 and I met the person who was to be my teacher for those first few years.
[00:11:47] Emma Slade: And it was him who suggested or told me to become a monastic. It definitely felt more like an order. And I’ve been a nun now for 13 years, which I can’t quite believe because it sounds like a long, long time actually.
[00:12:03] Emma Slade: Not everyone will be a monastic, and I always feel whenever I’m eating some food or reading a book, thank goodness not everybody’s a monastic, or I would be starving to death with nothing to eat and nothing to read. But I think for me it’s definitely the right path.
[00:12:19] Cheryl: Tell me more, because it sounds like there’s a lot of faith that you had in your teacher as well.
[00:12:24] Emma Slade: We have these moments in your life where everything is just so clear and obvious, like there’s not any other option.
[00:12:30] Emma Slade: Most of the time we’re like, “Do I want to eat spaghetti or eat potatoes?” Or whatever. We’re constantly in this confused state of, “do I want it, do I not want it?” That’s the nature of samsara. And you have these very powerful moments of faith where all of that confusion drops away and it’s just so clear what to do. And I think I had a couple of moments like that in my journey in Bhutan.
[00:12:53] Emma Slade: When I first met my teacher in Bhutan, when I heard his voice for the first time, it’s just like a thunderbolt. It’s just a very powerful experience. And you don’t kind of think, “why is that interesting? Why is it because it’s got such a low tone or whatever?”
[00:13:08] Emma Slade: It’s just, “wow, there’s some connection here that’s very powerful, very obvious.”
[00:13:17] Emma Slade: And with that degree of connectedness, it gives you a strength to want to practice and study and return to them and gain their help and continue. So faith supports you in your wish to make progress. It stops you giving up. It is this connectedness, you don’t feel as if you’re just kind of on your own, somehow it helps to make the whole landscape so much bigger than just you. And I think that’s extremely helpful for practice.
[00:13:49] Emma Slade: In text they often say to examine a teacher before becoming their student. But it’s also possible to have these very powerful momentary experiences, because you can’t just order one on Amazon. If you have a teacher you profoundly connect with, you really are inspired to study and practice, how lucky to have that.
[00:14:09] Cheryl: But it’s so interesting that your affinity with Tibetan Buddhism I, I didn’t read about your childhood but I assumed you grew up in UK?
[00:14:21] Emma Slade: Yes, that’s right.
[00:14:22] Cheryl: Oh, so like, different countries.
[00:14:24] Emma Slade: Yes, I know. I think that when I’m in the mountains of Bhutan, I’m at like 3000 meters. And then I was born at sea level. My Lama just said it’s just kamma. You just have very, very strong kamma. All the texts say only the Buddha can really understand the full workings of karma, so I’m not gonna attempt to take a stab at it. But for some reason, everything for me seems to ripen in Bhutan. Kamma is a very difficult thing to fully understand, but I think when you begin to see it working in your life, then you’re gonna like, well, I don’t really get how this works, but I am not gonna doubt it.
[00:15:03] Emma Slade: Who thought that, a girl born in Whitstable in England would end up spending half a time in Bhutan and then fully ordained there. It’s kind of crazy. I feel like my whole life has a testament to the power of kamma.
[00:15:18] Emma Slade: (stay tuned for part 2?) Not finding what we desire is suffering, and that’s such an important suffering.
[00:15:25] Emma Slade: They don’t have the job they like, they don’t have the partner that makes them, I don’t know what, they don’t like their boss, right? These are all mental states that arise from being in difficult circumstances, it leads us to be in a state of suffering based on aversion.
Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen, Nai Kai Lee, Amelia Toh, Hannah Law, Shin Hui Chong, Dennis Lee
TLDR: Drinking is a precept that some Buddhists struggle with. This isn’t a story about being perfect. It’s about slipping, pausing, and choosing a different path again and again.
Picture this: There I was, drink in hand at every social gathering, chasing that magical buzz that alcohol promised. The irony? I couldn’t stand the taste of any alcoholic drink – not beer, wine, or spirits. Yet there I was, drinking to feel that euphoric high, to fit in, to be “fun”.
The Tug of War between my practice and fitting in
But as my Buddhist practice deepened, I began questioning this habit, especially when confronting the Fifth Precept’s call for complete abstinence from intoxicants.
The FOMO on social connections initially held me back. How would I navigate celebrations, networking events, or simple gatherings where alcohol was central? I continued with my social drinking habits, but the once euphoric “high” I experienced now comes with the baggage of hiri and ottappa tugging at my consciousness.
This nagging guilt about the Fifth Precept at the back of my mind soon became something which I couldn’t simply ignore.
I want to be a so-called “good” Buddhist and live up to the precepts, yet I wasn’t fully convinced of the motivation behind it.
These frustrations, coupled with superficial guilt, eventually led me down a rabbit hole of reflections that completely transformed my perspective as I began to question why the Buddha included alcohol abstinence among the five basic ethical guidelines for lay Buddhists.
Intoxicating the Mind and Its Consequences
First, let’s talk about why the Buddha included alcohol in the five precepts.
Here’s the kicker – it’s not just about the alcohol itself.
The Fifth Precept is like a protective shield for the other four precepts (abstaining from killing, stealing, sexual misconduct, and lying). Think about it: how many times have you (or someone you know) done something you later regretted while under the influence?
When we drink, our judgment becomes impaired, making it easier to break the other guidelines.
It’s a domino effect – one drink can lead to loosened inhibitions, potentially resulting in actions we’d normally avoid.
Stubborn me then argued: but I know my alcohol tolerance level and I have never gotten drunk before! I only drink with people I trust, I am careful, and I know when to stop, I…blah blah, the excuses go on. I tried to find loopholes and a way out of this fifth precept, which I saw as bothersome and limiting to my social experience. I was never convinced.
How my relationship with the fifth precept evolved
The life-changing transformation began in Dec 2021 when I participated in a 6-day meditation retreat with Ajahn Brahm. It was unfortunately in the midst of the Covid-19 pandemic, and Ajahn Brahm appeared only through a screen.
Throughout the retreat, Ajahn Brahm guided us on meditation, did his usual of skillfully cracking jokes while giving his engaging Dhamma talks. We also had the opportunity to raise questions. His onscreen presence radiated wisdom and warmth.
One of the many recurring answers on the Q&A sessions was on following the 5 precepts as a prerequisite for the protection of peace in our lives.
Ajahn Brahm definitely drilled that message into my mind!
As a struggling beginner meditator, the retreat’s gentle structure, coupled with some consistent meditation sessions, set the conditions for calmness and clarity of my mind. My usual battles with physical discomfort or trying to hold out one extra minute to clock into Insight Timer, the meditation app, melted away.
For the first time, I touched a sense of peace I never knew existed. Apart from the joy that came with the sits, the lunchtime Dhamma discussions with fellow kalyanamittas uplifted my mind.
Then came the moment of clarity, which was crystal clear and overwhelming:
I wanted to surround myself with people like them. I wanted to BE like them.
They were all pushing towards what the Buddha said to be skilled in goodness, humble, kind and patient and not do things that the wise might later reprove.
I longed to live free from moral shame or guilt. I made a firm resolution to translate this admiration and gratitude into action. As Ajahn Brahm led us in taking the Three Refuges and Five Precepts, I knelt before the Buddha statue, tears flowing freely down my cheeks.
With a trembling voice but a steady heart filled with admiration, I chanted the refuges and precepts, each word a stepping stone toward a more dedicated practice. I bowed to the Triple Gem with newfound faith and sincerity.
The journey to being alcohol-free was far from smooth
The sudden surge of energy fueling the right effort got me into self-doubt if this is only a short-lived enthusiasm. True enough, the journey towards a zero alcohol intake is not always a smooth sailing one. I held my ground in many social events, ensuring that my determination stood strong and not just a fleeting interest.
Of course, there have been lapses. I am only a human trying to be better. There were times when I hung out with friends and found myself in a bad mood or overwhelmed by life’s stresses.
In those weak moments, my mental resolve crumbled, and I fell back into old habits, drinking to numb the frustration.
Yet, amidst these setbacks, I reminded myself that the precepts are not meant to be kept only when it is convenient. They are not mood-dependent. Each relapse taught me about resilience and the importance of bouncing back stronger.
I strive to cultivate a robust mental resilience, knowing these challenges are part of the journey. I dare say that it takes a lot more now to persuade me to take even a sip of alcohol than it was before.
Guess what? I’m still the life of the party with my cocktail-loving crew. But with a twist – the FOMO no longer knocks on my consciousness.
Instead of holding on to my usual hard liquor, I rock on to mindfulness with the same swag.
The same glass that once contained my headlessness is now replaced by mindful orange juice. I am not left out in conversations, still as present, if not more so. When everyone raises their glasses for a toast, my OJ joins the symphony of ‘cheers’ with just as much sparkle.
Luckily for me, the beauty of authentic friendships revealed itself when I shared with my friends that I am on a “sobriety streak”. To my pleasant surprise, my colleague even shared with me their personal experiences having a partner who is on the same journey and cheered me on!
Of course, there are always those well-meaning friends who wanna try their luck with the “just one won’t hurt!” – you know the type.
For them, I would dodge the request with a gentle wave of my car keys like a magical talisman, “Can’t. Am driving tonight, sorry!” You might be surprised how this simple strategy gracefully deflects even the most persistent drinkers without dampening the social mood.
How mental clarity strengthens my resolve for change
In this process, I saw myself having to put in less effort to tame the restless mind during meditation. My mind is clearer, and natural joy emerges. I discovered that the real “high” comes from being fully present in the here and now.
The absence of guilt and remorse tugging at my inner voice might have played a part in a quieter mind space.
I greatly appreciate a more peaceful and clear moral compass that this decision has given me.
Whether viewed through the lens of health, spiritual practice, or ethical conduct, there’s no logical reason to continue drinking alcohol. The reasons for being a social drinker are shaky at best – if alcohol is needed to lubricate interactions, doesn’t that suggest that the company itself is.. uninspiring?
It puts to question our choice of company. Hence, the benefits of abstinence far outweigh any temporary pleasures or social conveniences that drinking might offer me.
Try taking a break from alcohol. Watch how your meditation deepens, and conversations with friends become more interesting. You might just discover, as I did, that it is more liberating than you can imagine.
The journey to clarity begins with a single choice – why not make it today?
Wise Steps:
Reflect Honestly on Your Relationship with Alcohol. Take time to observe why you drink — is it for social acceptance, stress relief, or habit? Ask yourself if alcohol truly enhances your experiences or if it masks discomfort.
Associate with the Wise. Surround yourself with like-minded people or attend retreats and discussions that reinforce values of mindfulness, clarity, and compassion.
Gentle on Yourself. It is okay to fail and try again. We are all a work in progress because we are no Arahants (yet)… We try to the best of our abilities, and sometimes that is good enough.
Links and local resources if you or someone requires support:
National Addictions Management Service (NAMS): 6-RECOVER (6-7326837) [email protected]
TLDR: This article explores how consuming negative content affects mental well-being and introduces practices like group meditation, reducing social media use, and daily journaling to regain clarity, peace, and intention. Jeraldine Phneah emphasizes the importance of choosing what we feed our minds to nurture a healthier, more intentional life.
Working in a pre-IPO tech company is quite demanding, especially when you’re also juggling volunteer work. Some days, I go straight from back-to-back meetings at work in the day into conversations with residents I support through my volunteer work in the evenings.
In the quiet moments, such as at the gym or while winding down at night, I have realised that although I may be physically alone, my mind remains flooded with noise.
At times,I have found myself scrolling endlessly through negative news, angry comment threads, and short-form videos that add little value to my life.
This habit, often called doom scrolling, may seem harmless. Yet, over time, it chips away at our mental well-being. Instead of feeling rested, I end up feeling more restless and distracted.
Emotionally charged content overstimulates the brain, triggering anxiety, clouding focus, and draining the mental energy we need to rest and think clearly. Our minds were not designed to absorb a constant stream of bad news and negativity.
We are not truly resting when we scroll. We are absorbing, reacting, and often internalising the stress of others.
I came to see that I have not been particularly mindful, especially about what I allow into my mental space. What we consume shapes how we feel. How we feel, in turn, shapes how we see the world.
Recognising this, I’ve begun to gently shift how I relate to my inner and outer worlds. These are to bring more peace, clarity, and intention into how I live each day.
1. Join weekly group meditations
I made a resolution that for this month, I will be attending meditation sessions with other young working professionals in Singapore.
Meditation helps me return to the present. It trains the mind to observe rather than react.
Research has shown that regular meditation reduces stress, improves emotional regulation, and supports focus and decision-making. These are qualities I find myself needing as I navigate high-pressure environments.
This practice is also aligned with Taoist teachings: “Muddy water, let stand, becomes clear.” In moments of stillness, we allow the mental clutter to settle. That is often when insight and calm begin to emerge.
While solo practice offers flexibility, group meditation helps build consistency and a sense of community — especially in a fast-paced environment where we often feel like we’re navigating stress alone.
Being surrounded by peers with similar life pressures can be grounding. It’s a quiet reminder that we’re not alone in our efforts to slow down, reconnect, and stay present amidst the noise.
2. Reducing social media and phone use
I have taken a few practical steps over the past few years. Since my role allows it, I do not have Slack on my phone, and I have turned off all notifications from messaging apps. This helps me protect my attention and reduce unnecessary stress.
In recent weeks, I began deleting social media apps from my phone. This change helps me use them more intentionally, rather than out of habit.
These changes have helped reduce distractions. They have also freed up time for things that matter more to me, such as learning languages, reading, or simply being still.
I have also stopped checking WhatsApp and my phone first thing in the morning. That small boundary allows me to begin the day with clarity rather than overwhelm.
Some days, I wonder if too much of my youth is slipping away into a small screen — and that question alone helps me make more conscious choices.
3. Journaling daily at least five to ten minutes a day
Daily journaling, even for just five to ten minutes, allows me to untangle my thoughts, recognise emotional patterns, and process what is weighing on my mind. It provides a quiet space to reflect, realign, and reconnect with what truly matters.
Journaling helps me reflect not only on my emotions, but also on mistakes I made, what I want to learn from them, how I am showing up in the world and who I want to become.
Studies have shown that journaling can reduce stress, improve clarity, and build resilience. For me, it is a way of coming home to myself — a daily act of self-kindness.
None of this is about squeezing more out of the day. It is about protecting my clarity and choosing to live with greater intention.
This means being mindful about what I allow in, more deliberate about how I spend my time, and more compassionate with myself when things feel overwhelming.
Confucian thought reminds us that change begins within. To put the world in order, we must first cultivate our personal life.” (修身齐家治国平天下)
If you have been feeling stretched thin as well, I see you. Small, intentional steps can make a world of difference.
Here’s a question I’ve been reflecting on: What am I feeding my mind — and is it nourishing me? If you’re looking for a place to start, this might be a gentle prompt to sit with this week.
Wise Steps:
Find communities and social circles with whom you can practice mindfulness. Doing so will ease the journey and ground you on your path to betterment.
Reduce amount of social media used, even innocuous ones like WhatsApp. Allow yourself breaks and moments away from it, especially during times like after waking up and before bed.
Journal for five to ten minutes a day. Doing so allows organisation and recognition of thoughts and emotional state that can bring clarity to our lives.
TL;DR: Before embarking on Buddhist dating, cultivate sati (mindfulness) in your intentions, embrace anicca (impermanence), practice samma vaca (right speech) and active listening, navigate differences with metta (loving-kindness), and commit to continuing your bhavana (mental cultivation) practice for a fulfilling and harmonious journey.
Dating within a Buddhist community can sometimes be seen as a tricky affair. Why?
The fear of disrupting this serene environment with romance or facing the awkwardness of post-breakup interactions can deter many.
At the same time, it is a place where we can find our best partners who share our view of life and morality. How many non-Buddhist partners would accept us going on a no-phone retreat for 1 week?
Some seasoned members succinctly caution against mixing personal and spiritual spaces, likening it to “not s*itting where you sleep.” However, in contrast, there are many exemplary cases of Buddhist couples encouraging one another’s practice until the end of the path. So, what to do?
We got you fam! Here are 5 tips and considerations when you start dating in your Buddhist circle.
Cultivating Intentional Connections
Are you seeking companionship primarily to alleviate loneliness, or do you genuinely resonate with the spiritual values of the person you’re interested in?
Approach dating with the intention of fostering metta (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), and mutual respect.
For example, instead of focusing solely on finding a partner, consider how you can contribute positively to someone else’s life and spiritual journey. Be aware of your desires and motivations without being consumed by them.
Consider a scenario where you meet someone at a meditation retreat. Rather than rushing into a relationship based on attraction alone, take the time to observe their conduct and engagement with Dhamma teachings.
Seek to understand how their spiritual practice aligns with yours and whether there is potential for mutual support and growth in your paths.
Embracing Impermanence in Love
Buddhist teachings emphasise anicca—the understanding that all things, including relationships, are impermanent and subject to change.
Embrace this reality as you engage in dating within your Buddhist circle. Our needs and love language evolve. Learning to surf the waves of ups and downs and being ready to do so is a good starting point.
For instance, rather than clinging to specific expectations about how a relationship should progress, appreciate each moment and connection for what it offers in the present. Having a planned timeline of when to BTO (applying for government housing) with him/her is one of the fastest ways to Dukkha-land.
To strengthen this view, recall a past relationship where embracing anicca helped you grow spiritually, even after the relationship ended.
Communicating with Compassion
Effective communication is foundational in any relationship. In the context of Buddhist dating, practice right speech—speaking truthfully, kindly, timely, and with mindfulness of how your words impact others.
For instance, when discussing sensitive topics like Dhamma (teachings) or Sila (ethical conduct), choose words that foster understanding and respect. Contempt can arise if you engage in a contest of who is more detached or who can hold the precepts more strictly. Remember to respect one another’s progress on the path. It is non-linear and we all have different starting points too.
Imagine having a disagreement about where to go for the weekend. Instead of asserting your viewpoint forcefully, practice active listening and empathetic communication. Acknowledge your partner’s concerns and express your thoughts calmly and respectfully.
Navigating Differences with Wisdom
In relationships, differences are inevitable. Approach these differences with curiosity and metta rather than judgment.
Respect and honour each other’s unique spiritual paths and viewpoints on Buddhist teachings.
Suppose you and your partner have contrasting views on the role of rituals in practice. Rather than debating the superiority of one approach over the other, explore the underlying motivations and meanings behind each perspective.
By engaging in open dialogue and curiosity, you deepen your understanding of each other’s spiritual values and strengthen your connection.
Committing to Spiritual Growth
Regardless of relationship status, prioritise and commit to your spiritual growth.
Maintain a consistent bhavana (mental cultivation a.k.a meditation) practice, participate actively in community activities, and deepen your understanding of the Dhamma.
Create rituals with your partner that support your spiritual growth together. This could involve setting aside time each week for meditation sessions or attending Dhamma talks as a couple.
By sharing these practices, you not only strengthen your bond but also reinforce your commitment to the Dhamma and to supporting each other.
If it helps, create a commitment between the two of you to continue the practice even if a relationship doesn’t work out. The saddest outcome is when both parties stop the practice because of a breakup.
Conclusion
Dating within a Buddhist community requires attentiveness, compassion, and respect for Dhamma values in the other. Despite potential challenges like post-breakup dynamics, finding a partner who shares your Dhamma path is invaluable.
By cultivating intentional connections, embracing impermanence in love, communicating with compassion, navigating differences wisely, and committing to spiritual growth, you enhance relationships and deepen your own Dhamma journey. These practices not only strengthen bonds but also contribute to community harmony and growth when done wisely.
Wise Steps:
Reflect on Your Intentions: Approach dating with metta, karuna, and mutual respect.
Embrace Impermanence: Appreciate each moment and connection without clinging to outcomes.
Practice Samma Vaca and Active Listening: Communicate honestly and listen deeply to foster understanding.
Navigate Differences with Metta: Respect each other’s spiritual paths and viewpoints.
Commit to Continuing Your Bhavana Practice: Prioritise your spiritual growth and integrate it into your relationship journey.
TL:DR Venerable Haemin very kindly responded to questions that Benny Liow had asked him regarding the motivation for his first two books, how one can have peace, happiness and contentment living in the modern world, and his many noble projects such as the School of Broken Hearts to benefit other sentient beings.
Benny: You have written two books, Love for Imperfect Things and The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down, which have become international bestsellers. What was the motivation behind each of the two books?
Haemin: My primary motivation for writing these books was to help readers cultivate a sense of acceptance and happiness in their lives. Through many Dharma talks and discussions with individuals facing everyday struggles, I became aware of the widespread issues that affect people. Many often feel torn between their desire to live authentically and the expectations imposed by family and society. This internal conflict can lead to significant stress and dissatisfaction. Additionally, I noticed that people frequently grapple with the challenges of human relationships, which can be a source of immense stress.
In Love for Imperfect Things, I sought to illuminate the importance of embracing our flaws and recognising that imperfection is a part of the human experience. I wanted to offer practical insights rooted in Buddhist spirituality that are accessible to everyone, regardless of their background. My goal was to provide readers with tools to navigate their challenges, encouraging them to accept themselves and their circumstances.
In The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down, I delved into the concept of mindfulness and the profound impact of slowing down in our fast-paced lives. I aimed to share how taking time to reflect can lead to greater awareness and inner peace. Ultimately, both books are about empowering individuals to find happiness and connection by addressing common struggles and fostering a deeper understanding of themselves.
In Love for Imperfect Things, you wrote that the path to happiness and peace of mind includes not only strong relationships with others but also letting go of worries about ourselves. How do we cultivate positive relationships with others and let go of our worries?
Cultivating positive relationships with others begins with letting go of our worries, particularly in the context of how we perceive others view us. A common misconception is that people are constantly judging us, when in fact, most individuals are preoccupied with their own thoughts and concerns. By recognising this, we can begin to relax and live authentically, freeing ourselves from the burden of seeking approval.
When we find ourselves caught up in negative emotions or self-doubt, it’s essential to take a step back and observe those feelings without judgment. Rather than identifying with our worries, we can view them as passing clouds in the sky of our consciousness. This shift in perspective allows us to detach from our worries, leading to a more peaceful state of mind.
Moreover, nurturing positive relationships requires us to embrace both our strengths and weaknesses. Often, when we struggle to accept certain aspects of ourselves, we project that dissatisfaction onto others, criticising them for traits we find challenging within ourselves. Accepting our imperfections enables us to accept others more fully. By fostering self-compassion and understanding, we create an environment where genuine connections can flourish. Ultimately, when we cultivate peace within ourselves, we open the door to harmony in our relationships.
Admitting that we are imperfect can feel like we are accepting defeat. How do we ensure that we have the right understanding of our imperfections?
Admitting our imperfections does not equate to accepting defeat; rather, it is a profound step toward self-acceptance and personal growth. We are inherently imperfect, and learning to appreciate this truth can liberate us from the constant feeling of inadequacy. Many of us internalise criticism from caregivers during our formative years, which can lead to harsh self-judgment even in adulthood. This self-criticism often persists long after we’ve left our childhood environments.
For instance, individuals with workaholic tendencies or burnout frequently believe their worth is tied to their productivity. This belief can stem from a desire to prove themselves to others or to compensate for feelings of unworthiness. However, it is vital to recognise that our value is not contingent upon our accomplishments; we are inherently worthy of love and acceptance simply for being who we are.
Parents love their children not based on their achievements, but simply because of their existence. This unconditional love serves as a reminder that we, too, deserve to treat ourselves with kindness and compassion. While striving for self-improvement is valuable, it should stem from a genuine desire to grow and connect with others, not from a place of needing to earn love or approval. Embracing our imperfections allows us to live more authentically, fostering a deeper connection to ourselves and to those around us.
As Buddhists, we are taught to strive to be a Buddha—the Perfect One—by eliminating our defilements or imperfections. How can we love our imperfections and yet strive for Buddhahood? Can we reconcile this seemingly contradictory approach?
We can reconcile the pursuit of Buddhahood with the acceptance of our imperfections by understanding that these concepts are not mutually exclusive. In Mahayana Buddhism, nothing in this world is inherently pure or good, nor defiled or bad; it is our mind’s judgments that create these distinctions. For example, what one person perceives as imperfection can vary greatly from another’s perspective. Some may view making noise while eating noodles as perfectly acceptable, while others might consider it rude. Similarly, being five minutes late to a meeting can be interpreted as disrespectful by some, but as a minor infraction by others.
The key to achieving peace lies in fully accepting ourselves and the world around us. This acceptance does not mean we abandon our aspirations for growth; rather, it means we approach our journey with compassion and understanding. When we learn to embrace our imperfections, we alleviate the internal struggle that often accompanies our aspirations for perfection. In doing so, we cultivate a sense of serenity both within ourselves and in our interactions with the world.
This understanding of acceptance is essential to achieving nirvana and Buddhahood. It encourages us to see our imperfections as part of the human experience, allowing us to grow in wisdom and compassion. By acknowledging our flaws without judgment, we can foster a more profound sense of connection to ourselves and others, ultimately leading us closer to the state of peace we seek
In The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down, you mention that the most effective route to inner peace involves slowing down in our busy lives and recognising that negative emotions are not permanent. Can you share briefly how this is possible?
Indeed, the journey to inner peace often begins with the practice of slowing down. Strong emotions can shift and change shape within a short span—typically around 90 seconds. If we can observe these emotions as we would a character in a TV drama, we can witness their transient nature. When we find ourselves caught in a difficult emotion, we often become overly identified with it, amplifying it through our inner commentary and judgments. However, by taking a step back and observing these emotions with curiosity, we can gain valuable insights into their impermanence.
Interestingly, this act of observation can lead to the natural dissolution of these emotions without requiring us to take any drastic action. The simple act of awareness can be incredibly liberating.
Moreover, engaging in activities slowly allows us to experience and enjoy the present moment more fully. For instance, if we leave home ten minutes earlier than usual, we create space to appreciate our commute. We can observe the colours of the sky, the beauty of the flowers, and the birds we encounter along the way. This practice of mindfulness not only enhances our daily experiences but also enriches our lives.
Eating slowly provides us with the opportunity to savour our food, while taking time to listen to music enables us to appreciate its full range of sounds. By immersing ourselves in these moments, we foster a sense of richness in our experiences, cultivating happiness and spaciousness in our minds. Ultimately, this practice of slowing down leads to greater inner peace and contentment.
For laypeople in today’s fast-paced society, slowing down can lead to missed business deals or career opportunities. Is it possible for us to slow down, which is essential for our mental peace, while still being agile enough to cope with the demands of today’s business environment?
Absolutely, it is possible to strike a balance between slowing down for mental peace and maintaining agility in today’s fast-paced business environment. One key aspect of this balance is understanding that slowing down does not equate to a lack of productivity. I often teach that even a brief ten-second pause can create a significant shift in our mindset, simply by taking a moment to smile or breathe deeply.
If you can spare a minute, use that time to take a deep breath and appreciate the relaxation that follows. These brief moments of mindfulness can be integrated into our daily routines without requiring us to drastically alter our pace. We can maintain our usual lives while intentionally pausing during specific activities such as eating, listening, or walking. By taking just ten seconds to ten minutes to appreciate these processes, we can enhance our overall well-being
By dedicating time to this practice, we not only increase our happiness but also improve our connections with others. As we become more present and aware, we notice the world around us with greater clarity. This heightened awareness can serve as a foundation for success, allowing us to navigate the demands of our professional lives with a sense of calm and purpose.
You started the School of Broken Hearts, a non profit that offers group counseling and meditation for people facing life’s challenges. Can you briefly share its main programs and whether they are available online for people outside Seoul?
South Korea has experienced significant achievements over the past three decades, including advancements in democracy and cultural prosperity. However, these successes have also brought challenges, such as the highest suicide rate among OECD countries and a declining birth rate, largely due to the stress stemming from social pressures and fierce competition. This reality motivated me to establish the School of Broken Hearts, a non-profit organisation aimed at helping individuals navigate their challenges.
At the School of Broken Hearts, we offer a range of programs designed to support those in need. Our primary focus is group counselling, where individuals with similar experiences of suffering come together to share their stories in a supportive environment. This collective sharing fosters a sense of community and belonging, allowing participants to realise that they are not alone in their struggles.
In response to the growing demand, I am planning to launch a program specifically tailored for non-Korean speaking individuals. Once this program is available, I will announce it on my website, www.haeminsunim. com. My hope is to reach a wider audience, providing resources and support for those facing life’s challenges, regardless of their language or background
As I conclude, I wish for everyone reading this to find happiness, health, and peace in their lives, and to always feel protected wherever they may go.
Palms Together
Haemin
Venerable Haemin is a South-Korean Zen Monk who has a diverse education and training background, having studied at Harvard, taught at Hampshire College, and received formal monastic training at Haemin Monastary, Seoul. His is renowned for his two books, Love for Imperfect Things, and The Things You Can Only See When You Slow Down, which have been translated and sold internationally with great success.
