TLDR: Despite being clouded by ignorance and bias, homophobes have the capacity to be liberated. Recognising this and deepening our compassion for them while maintaining healthy boundaries is helpful in cultivating forgiveness by freeing ourselves of resentment.
How my friends’ rejection of me moved me to hatred
“I still love you as a person, but I don’t agree with your lifestyle choices.”
“If you try hard enough, you can overcome your same-sex desires.”
Back when I was coming out socially, I wanted to share my new identity with friends whom I had known since childhood.
Fresh out of university and slowly inching out of the closet, I had already been in a fulfilling relationship with a man for about a year, and I was eager to invite my closest and oldest friends into this side of my life that was slowly opening up to the world.
Because of the communities I grew up in, many of my friends held conservative beliefs about sex and gender. Yet, I wanted to believe that my friends’ love for me could overcome their biases. Perhaps I could guide them to see that queer love is as wholesome and nurturing as any other kind of romantic love!
Sadly, these were the kinds of responses that I got. Some of them were less kindly worded. Even typing them out dug up a sour pang in my gut. It’s an urge practically every queer person has felt before: how do I convince people of my dignity when they seem committed to believing otherwise?
Eventually, I lost all of these friends. In fact, I cut them off myself. What came afterwards for me was a years-long journey out of hatred.
Understanding my hatred
Hatred comes from a place of suffering: I feel that I have been wronged, that people have wronged me on purpose, and that these people deserve to feel the sort of pain that I have felt. Lashing out in hatred further alienates people from you, even though the root of this anger is a cry to be heard and witnessed in your suffering.
I knew I was digging myself deeper into a vicious cycle of pain, but how could I dig myself out?
The answer was right there all along – bodhicitta (the mind of awakening)!
Thankfully, I had the good fortune of meeting my root guru, who initiated me onto the path of Vajrayana Buddhism. The further I walk on this journey, the more it becomes clear that this path is entirely committed to and based on bodhicitta. The mind of awakening – to liberate all beings from conventional and ultimate suffering. And how does that happen? Through compassion.
All beings suffer, and all beings deserve compassion, without exception, and “no exception” means no exception.
Helping myself out of hatred
Under the guidance of my teacher, I undertook a meditation practice to develop compassion for all beings, not just including, but especially prioritising, the people who have hurt me.
It kind of goes like this: warm, loving, clarifying light comes from your heart and touches all the beings of the six realms. First, it touches the beings you love: your partner, your family members, your pets. Through contact with this light, these loved ones are totally liberated. Then, once this feeling of wishing the best for others has stabilised, your area of effect expands to people on the periphery of your life, and they too become liberated. Eventually, your light expands throughout the entire world… and, right in front of you, you see your enemies. Everyone you harbour hatred for, who has hurt you, takes centre stage in the visualisation.
And what do you do? Do you strike them down with the fierce, fiery and wrathful imagery that Vajrayana Buddhism is known for?
No. That light comes out from your heart and purifies them too.
But why? They caused me so much suffering. Why doesn’t karma hurt them back instead?
Transforming my hatred into compassion
My guru constantly points me back to the four noble truths and the four immeasurables that we work towards. All beings suffer because all beings are attached to concepts. How limiting it must be to cling to homophobia – to alienate an entire spectrum of human experience, that prejudice cuts off the possibility for full and authentic relationships.
If only they too could be set free of biases, to look upon their fellow human beings with equanimity and kindness. If only they could develop their capacity to experience sympathetic joy for queer love.
And they can – because all beings without exception have Buddha nature: the capacity to become liberated, to become totally free of any sort of attachments. And this is the passion that drives my Bodhisattva vow: because they can be liberated, I must practice for their liberation.
This visualisation was, and is, mind training for me to remember that bodhicitta does not have an exclusion clause.
Over time, as I deepened this meditation, my view of homophobic people started to soften. Instead of seeing them as static and unchanging embodiments of prejudice that I could conveniently hate, I started to see them as I see myself: a convergence of circumstances that act out in the way we are conditioned to.
Keeping my cup full
Yet, having compassion for homophobes is not the same as endorsing their views and behaviour. We can recognise someone’s capacity for growth and love while maintaining healthy boundaries to maintain our own physical and mental well-being.
We must find a middle path that makes sense for each of our contexts: while we recognise that our enemies deserve to be liberated from the self-inflicted suffering of ignorance, it is unwise of us to try to save them at our own peril.
Just as the Four Immeasurables encourage us to live in equanimity without attachment and rejection, we should be mindful that we can only be of service if we act within our capacity. As the Buddha teaches in the Sedaka Sutta,
Looking after oneself, one looks after others.
Looking after others, one looks after oneself.
My aspiration
Ultimately, just as I see myself as someone who can learn and grow, homophobic people possess these capacities as well, even if they are currently obscured. Even if I might not be the one to shift their views, I hope that such circumstances will arise for them to release their grip on rigid concepts of right and wrong.
And they will! For each type of being, one of the 84000 dharma doors will benefit them. The Buddhas and Bodhisattvas embody this non-fixity of identity, compassionately embracing no-self to help all beings. Guanyin, the Bodhisattva of Compassion, takes on all forms that are needed to teach and help all kinds of people. No being is beyond the Buddhas’ reach because all beings have the capacity to become enlightened.
As someone walking the tantric path, I aspire to become like that myself, bringing enlightenment to all people – even those who might not know me in my fullness of being. And this aspiration starts right now. As Guanyin says in the Heart Sutra,
Bodhisattvas who practice
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore
see no more obstacles in their mind,
and because there
are no more obstacles in their mind,
they can overcome all fear,
destroy all wrong perceptions
and realise Perfect Nirvana.
(Translation by Thich Nhat Hanh)
I hope that all beings without exception may realise that the root of all suffering is in our minds. May we all cross over to the other shore – where there is room for every type of being.
Wise Steps
- Recognise that most homophobes act out of a place of ignorance.
- Meditate on the truth that all beings have the potential to live compassionate and accepting lives.
- Maintain healthy boundaries to ensure your own physical and mental well-being.
Disclaimer: Do note that one should also develop self-love and compassion for oneself before moving it towards others to avoid spiritual bypass. If you are struggling in your social group with many homophobes, one has to discern if taking a social break is necessary for your mental health. We cannot pour from an empty cup.
Mental Health Resources:
- SOS 24-hour Hotline: 1-767
- Shan You Counselling: 6741 9293
- Buddhist Free Clinic: 6841 3370
- Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-283-7019
- Institute of Mental Health: 6389-2222 (24 hours)
- Thye Hua Kwan Moral Charities: 6337 1201
Mental health resources that are lgbtq+ affirmative for those in need:
Social Services (free or means tested subsidy)
- Allkin Family Service Centres
- https://www.allkin.org.sg/
- https://www.allkin.org.sg/connect/get-in-touch
- Counselling and Care
- https://counsel.org.sg/
- Tel 6536 6366
- Oogachaga
- https://oogachaga.com/
- Whatsapp counselling 8592 0609
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Tan Chang Zhen
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